Still Haven’t Arrived

I’m going to be honest. Writing this blog is a little nerve-wracking. I haven’t written in a while and I feel like I’ve forgotten how to do it. I think about communicating with the world and what I want to say. What I want to share is the mystery and comfort and wonder of laying in my bed in the middle of the night, wide awake, talking to the Creator of the Universe. The mix of holy fear and awe, and child’s need for a parent, and longing for grace and mercy that motivate my prayers. 

I want to share with you my confusion and anger and bewilderment as I struggle to comprehend and respond to the events going on in our world. I want to tell you about my daily walk with grace as I navigate marriage and parenting. I want to share about God’s faithfulness to not leave me stuck in my sin, in my pain, in my unforgiveness towards others and myself. I want to tell you about all of God’s gifts to me as he has swung open doors and opportunities to be involved in work that I’m passionate about. 

This past year I have done a lot of deep thinking about faith and how I practice that faith. I’ve done a lot of deep thinking about politics and what it means to practice my faith as an American. I’ve thought a lot about how to deal with the past, forgiving hurts, but also trying to figure out how to unlearn the lies that came with those hurts. 

I turned forty-seven this past year. There is something about that number that made me feel like I should have arrived by now. By now I should have this Adulting thing down pat. By now I should be strong, confident, and perfect. By now I should have my crap together. 

And I don’t. 

Which is maybe the breaking of that final myth in my mind, that grownups know what they are doing. In this sense, we all remain children. Still learning, sure that the people older than us must know everything, and we just haven’t arrived yet. And apparently, we never arrive. At least not here in this life on earth. 

I still have questions about faith and how to live it out. I very much don’t know what to do about the state of the world or my country. I still don’t know how to stand for justice. I still struggle with wrong thinking about myself and others. I still struggle. 

Which might be discouraging to young people who are heading out into the world, sure that soon, they’ll have it all figured out. But, maybe it’s encouraging for others my age and older to know they aren’t alone in constantly being surprised at their own lack and shortcomings as they face the daily challenges. 

What I have learned in my forty-seven years of living is that Jesus is faithful. He is gentle. He is kind. He is compassionate. And he is always with me. I am not alone. I am not disdained. I am not scorned. And as I run into each problem and crisis and puzzle, I don’t have to feel the desperate fear of wondering if I’ll make it through this. I already know that I will, because Jesus is helping me. Not removing all the struggles from my path, just holding my hand, pulling me forward, teaching me what I need to learn as I go. 

That is my great comfort and peace that sustains me and gives me joy. And that is what I want to share with you in my blog. 

Blog Refresh

I’ve been writing this blog for quite a while now, but this past year I pulled back a lot on the personal blogs and have mostly just written about our free house. It was a needed break, and felt like something God-lead. Now I am feeling like it might be time to start writing again. A lot of things have changed since I first started this blog in 2018 and now I feel like I need to do a re-introduction. So here goes.

I am a missionary kid. I grew up in Eastern Kentucky, Haiti and bush Alaska. My husband is also a missionary kid who grew up in Nicaragua. When we first got married we spent some time in Alaska and Chile and then settled down in East Tennessee. We have ten kids. (And one daughter-in-law!) Four of our kids are adults and have left home and I am proud of them, and miss them a lot. I’ve got six kids left at home ranging from age nine to eighteen. Though we have homeschooled in the past, my kids are now all in school. I teach piano lessons and help teach choir at my younger children’s school. And then I keep the house running for eight people. 

I love reading. I am the quintessential bookworm, have been since I was in second grade. My husband also loves reading and we’ve managed to pass this down to most of our children. A cozy evening at our house often looks like a bunch of people sitting around on couches reading books. 

This past year our family was gifted the house next door. Turned out it was a hoarder house, so now we have slowly been cleaning it out. My husband works in the construction industry, so this is right up his alley. We look forward to eventually restoring the house and making it usable again, and posting updates about that project on this blog has been motivating for me. 

If you want to know the foundation blocks of who I am, I would say, I was a broken, lost person who has been rescued by Jesus. Every moment of my life has been an example of his grace and mercy. He has saved me from my desperate places, and has slowly but surely been leading me down a path that leads to life and wholeness and joy. There’s been a lot of bumps, holes, rocky places, dangerous cliffs etc, but I can say confidently, that Jesus’ hand has been on my life since I was conceived and he has held me fast and brought me through, and continues to bring me through every challenge, pain and danger that life has thrown at me. 

Walking with Jesus does not mean that you live a charmed life with minimal challenges. It rather means you live a victorious life as you have God himself walking with you through each hardship that comes your way. I have my own grocery list of challenges I deal with regularly. Anxiety and depression. Fear. Self-righteousness. Self-centeredness. Fear of rejection. I can look back and see how I have improved greatly in all these areas, but every once in a while one or more of these will make themselves center-stage in my life again and I have to put into practice the things I’ve already learned and also learn more about how to overcome in these areas. 

This blog is an invitation for you to come walk with me through everyday life and see up-close and personal what walking with Jesus looks like. The good, the bad, and the ugly. 

I look forward to connecting with you all again!

Free House: Moving Upstairs

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. We had one of the busiest holiday seasons I’ve ever had. It was a lot of fun, lots of good memories, great time with my kids, and we ended with the wedding of my oldest son! Then all the kids that came home for Christmas left, school started back up, and this weekend is the first time that I’m feeling like I can catch my breath a bit. It’s been a great day, I got my grocery shopping done first thing this morning, assigned my kids some chores, and then Andy and I went next door to tackle the next project. We worked three hours, came home, showered, and now I’m looking at the rest of the afternoon and evening with nothing on the schedule. Woohoo!

Today’s clean out was a lot more physically intense than normal. We have finally moved upstairs.

Which means everything has to come down those stairs, then you have to climb back up those stairs again to get back to work. We tossed lighter things down the stairs, but we escorted the big giant trash bags. At the top of the stairs is a rather large landing that had been turned into a bedroom.

We filled our trailer.

And then still had lots of stuff to fill another trailer load.

So, this is how far we got today, both of us working. I feel a little bit like an archeologist as I try to figure out the time line for the house. I found mail on the floor upstairs from 1999, which seems to be a significant year as I really haven’t found much mail or newspapers from before then. The upstairs ceiling is lath and plaster, and that started to fall apart at some point in time, so they put a cheap drop ceiling over the lath and plaster. Then I think enough of the original ceiling collapsed that it weighed down the drop ceiling and made that fall as well. So, we were cleaning up a lot of house debris today. As usual, I am always amazed at how much stuff can be crammed into one small space.

In other news, one of my older daughters went through some of the clothes that have been hanging in closets and tried washing them to see if they’d come clean, and they did! She is an eclectic dresser, so she had fun finding some things. This silk suit didn’t fit. Not sure what I’m going to do with it. But it’s clean!

Free House: Basement Take 2

This past weekend my husband Andy got over to the free house and worked on the basement. He had already cleaned out a lot on a previous occasion, but there was a corner he hadn’t got to yet.

He cleaned it out and filled another trailer load of trash and made a good pile of scrap metal for the people who drive around picking that stuff up.

He strung up some new lights.

And he did some work jacking up old beams that support the floor above.

He hopes to replace those when money allows. We’ve also got another support beam that has termite damage and will need to be replaced.

Fortunately he knows how to do all that stuff. We just need time and money!

The next little bit of time is going to be really busy with holidays and end of semester music events and we have a wedding in the family coming up quickly too. I have no idea how much time I’ll have to get over next door, but whenever I do, I’ll keep you all posted.

Free House: Finally Finished the Bedroom!!

Today has been one of those amazing days. I woke up early and got up for no reason except that I was awake. Nowhere I had to be immediately. And then, I actually felt like taking a walk. This past year I have not been exercising much at all. But three weeks ago I started a new program that started off with 10 minutes of walking a day for 5 days a week, and each week we’ve added on another 25 minutes a week. So, I took off before anyone else was up and took a lovely walk on a mild sunny fall morning. And then I spent the rest of the day being productive. Which means, that this afternoon when I realized I had no pressing thing to finish, I decided to head next door and see how far I could get in the downstairs bedroom.

This room has been kicking my butt. It was densely packed in and while we have found lots of treasures, it also just had a lot of trash, and it appears to be the place that all the animals decided to poop and pee. So, lots of really smelly things, and so much poop. Today was my third session. But, I did it!

Where I started
Finding dolls in unexpected places is not fun.
Finally done
The side of the room
Anyone familiar with this highschool?
And I would love to know what this is??
Trash of the day

That concludes the downstairs. The kitchen is not completely cleaned out, but I made a deal with my husband that he would do that. So the next step is to start heading upstairs. With the holidays coming up I’m not sure how often I’ll get to work on the project, but I’ll post when I do!

Free House: Moving Slow

Hey Everybody! I haven’t been on here in a bit, life got really busy, and then I got a bad cold and all of that kept me from getting over to the free house to clean. But today a friend came over to help and that made it a lot of fun. We continued to work on the bedroom. This room has been really slow going. All the stuff is densely packed in, so even though we only got another quarter of the room cleaned out, the pile of trash is pretty impressive.

Here’s where we started:

And then here’s we ended up:

And here are all the piles of trash we moved out:

We found some interesting things today, which always makes the cleaning out more fun.

I feel like we have hit that point in the project where it seems so big and overwhelming and the progress seems to be inching so slowly, that I feel a little discouraged. Right now I’m trying to not think of all the things that have to be done and just focus on cleaning out one room at a time. Hopefully the next update won’t take as long as last time!

In Memory of Ms Wong

I just received news today that Miss Jennie Kuk-Ying Wong has passed away. She was my piano teacher when I attended Biola University. She was the head of the Piano Department, and Aunt Laurie, who taught me piano in middle school and high school had also been one of her students years before. Ms. Wong, who never married or had children, told me that I was essentially, as her student’s student, her granddaughter. 

I was intimidated by Ms. Wong. And that’s putting it mildly. She had the highest standards and was not quick to compliment or praise. When I am nervous I have a tendency to crack jokes and make little comments. I remember sitting in lessons and I would say some joking comment and she would pause and just look at me, blank faced, almost in disbelief, and then shake her head and tap the piano book to get me back on focus. But occasionally she would flash a quick smile and that felt like a big win for me. 

During my first semester I developed a bad tendonitis that kept me from being able to practice. Ms Wong said that she knew of a place that did some kind of shock therapy to help people get a quick recovery. She had never been there, but was really interested in finding out if it worked. She asked if I’d be interested in trying it. I said yes and she made the appointment for me and then drove me there. It felt so bizarre to be in Ms Wong’s car with her. She was not the talkative type, and neither was I, and we drove mostly in silence. When we got to the reception area, we walked up the desk to get signed in, me slightly behind Ms Wong, very nervous. The receptionist looked at me and then looked at Ms Wong and asked in a stage-whisper, “Does your student speak English?” Ms Wong assured her that I did and we went on with the appointment. But later, when we left the office, my arms now tingling, Ms Wong laughed so long and so hard. It was a new experience for her, a Chinese woman, to be asked if her student, a white American, spoke English. On the way back from the appointment, Ms Wong took us out for lunch at a Chinese restaurant. She ordered for me and soon a large bowl of egg drop soup arrived at the table for me. I do not like Egg Drop Soup. But, I picked up my spoon and ate my soup, because it would be inconceivable to do anything else. 

My second year under Ms Wong I started to relax more. Probably because I started to realize that she actually liked me. The real turning point though happened late in the semester. It was winter time and finals were looming and we were all practicing a ridiculous number of hours a day to get ready for piano juries. It was a Thursday evening and I was standing in the lobby of the music building looking up at the cafeteria which was next door. Ms Wong walked by and saw me standing there, just staring, and she came up to me and asked me what I was doing. I explained that I only had two meals left on my meal plan for the week and I was debating whether I should go up and eat supper at the cafeteria or take the long walk back to my dorm and have a bowl of cereal. She nodded and said goodnight and left. I ended up finishing my evening of practice and homework and then eating some dry cereal before I crashed into bed. 

The next day one of Ms Wong’s other students told me there was a note for me on Ms Wong’s studio door. This was a typical way that she communicated with her students so I went to see what it said. The note told me there was something for me in the fridge in her studio. Since the studio was empty at the time, I let myself in and peaked into the little dorm fridge Ms Wong kept there. Inside was a tupperware with my name on it, filled with rice and some kind of Asian meat and vegetable dish. It was delicious. I was a little embarrassed the next time I saw her and thanked her for the food. But I think it broke down some of the formality we usually had. I remember she talked to me more. About music, her own experiences, students she had taught. 

Now, when I think of her, I picture her looking up at me (she was very short) and shaking her head and then laughing about some comment I had just made. The other thing I think of are her hands. They were small, square, so wrinkled and so soft. And when she touched the piano she would make sounds come out that were impossibly beautiful. When she played it brought to my mind rich velvet and gold, deep royal blues and reds. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything more beautiful than her playing. 

I left Biola after two years and kept in touch with Ms Wong for several years through letters. But eventually we fell out of touch. 

She was strong and formidable, stern and intimidating. A genius. And she was also generous and kind and an amazing teacher. I am a richer person for having been her student. 

Free House: Another Picture Update

This week I got over to the free house three times, and two of those times my husband was helping as well. We got a lot done!

Dining Room Before:

Dining Room After:

Next was the Butler Pantry: Before

And then the Butler Pantry: After

Andy has been working on the kitchen, here is the Before:

Two cleaning sessions later this is how far he has gotten:

I have gotten started on the second bedroom:

The bedroom is really slow going. After two hours I’ve only made a small dent:

Here’s the trash I bagged just from that couple feet:

The downstairs is getting close to being done!

Free House: Comfortable in a Mess

Another day of cleaning. I finished the first clean of the Parlour. The armchair, tv, rug, and lamp all need to get thrown out. I’m not sure if the very old sound system is worth saving or not. It appears to still be working. And then we have to go through and deep clean. But, I’m working on the initial cleanout first. 

I think that our neighbor was doing most of her living in this room at the end. It looks like the chair was being used as a bed and there is a lot more food trash laying around. It was interesting, as I was cleaning I got the impression that this room had felt comfortable to our neighbor. I can’t say particularly why. But, it reminded me of my bedroom this past summer. 

I did not clean my bedroom this past summer. I had some standards. I kept the trash in the trashcan and the dirty clothes in the dirty laundry basket, but other than that, my room was completely taken over by clutter. Clean clothes that didn’t all make it in the drawer, papers that my cat knocked off my desk, still laying in a pile on the floor. The sock basket that my kids’ socks all live in was spilling socks everywhere. Stacks of books. No dirty dishes, I didn’t want bugs..but you get the idea. I thought about cleaning my room, but I didn’t want to. Not because I didn’t want to clean, but because I wanted the cluttered atmosphere. For whatever reason, this summer felt really overstimulating. The bright sun, intense heat, lots of activities to get kids to and from. Whenever I could, I retreated into my bedroom. It was cool. Not overly bright. And it felt comfortable to me. For some reason, the idea of cleaning up my room and making it neat and organized made me feel like I would then have to be productive when I was in my room. I didn’t want to be productive. I didn’t want to look at a perfectly organized desk and feel the need to pay bills, or write, or do some creative project. I just wanted to exist in my room with no outside pressure. So I didn’t clean it. I kept the rest of the house clean, because those were shared spaces that a bunch of us had to be comfortable in, and where I wanted to invite other people into as well. But, my room was for me (and my long suffering husband who obviously didn’t care enough, because he didn’t take the time to clean it either). 

When summer started coming to an end, I tackled my room, and several big cleanout projects in my house and got everything organized and ready to be productive in time for the new school year. But, as weird as it might be to some, I understand how you can be comfortable in a mess. 

Here’s what things looked like before I started.

Here’s the pile of trash.

And another pile of trash, ready to go out the window down into our trailer, except the trailer wasn’t there today, so my husband gets to do that when he has time. 

And here’s the end product. I think this is my favorite room. 

And here’s me, worn out after two hours of manual labor. 

Extravagant Love

A couple weeks ago a friend of ours passed away. He is someone my husband and I have known since we first got married. He was in his 40s and died of cancer.

Over the years we met his mother, his ex-wife, and two of his brothers. Today, none of them are still living. He came from a background of extreme poverty, prostitution, drug addiction, homelessness, and petty crime. And in the middle of all that, he found Jesus. Got saved. Got baptized. Got into a church community.

We did life with him for a period of time and it was rough.

Some people have miraculous testimonies of how God freed them from addiction, turned their lives completely around, and they moved forward a completely different person.

Other people struggle their entire lives to overcome. Overcome addiction. Overcome abuse. Overcome the physical harm that comes with drugs and living a life of desperation.

When we were in the trenches with our friend, suffering some of those things you suffer when you are close to someone with an addiction, I remember crying out to God about the whole situation. “What are you doing God?” And he answered me very clearly. So clearly that I can still remember where I was, in my car, on the interstate, when he answered me. “I am showering him with extravagant love.”

Grace. Mercy. Compassion. Our thoughts are not God’s thoughts. How many times should I forgive my brother? Seven? No, seventy times seven.

How much does God love? When does he throw in the towel and say, Ok, you’ve screwed up one time too many, I’m done with you? He doesn’t. His love never fails. HIs love is extravagant, beyond measure.

Our friend passed away. He never hit that golden moment where society would say, ok, you’ve overcome completely so we will now call you worthy. His life was a struggle. But, he believed. No matter how small that faith looked, he believed. And he was loved by a God who gives generously, extravagantly. And I am pretty excited about the fact that he is now with Jesus and been completely healed and made whole. One day I will see him again and we will rejoice together at the extravagant, generous, abundant love of God.