Fantasy and Truth

When I was a kid, by the time I was in second grade I had become a full-fledged book worm. I read for entertainment, escape, and as a way to understand the world around me. Nowadays, as an adult, I go through different seasons of what I am reading and why. Escapism. A deep need to understand how different types of relationships work. A deep dive into how cultures and societies work. Exploring the ideas of what happens if humankind really messes everything up. 

Lately, I’ve really been into fantasy books and it has kind of been an exploration of what is God like and what do really good human relationships look like? 

Fantasy covers a large spectrum of writing. I’m choosy about which fantasy I read. The fantasy that I enjoy are the ones who simply use a fantasy world as a backdrop for their very human characters who have very human characteristics, weaknesses and strengths. The fantasy world allows those characters to have many wide and varied adventures, but in the end, the lessons they are learning, the personal growth they are going through, the conclusion they come to, they are all very human and normal. 

In the last year or so, I’ve found myself drawn to these books where usually one character has some kind of super-power. Magical, genetic mutation, gift given by the gods etc. Usually, these powers are on par with what I would expect my own God to be able to do. But, these powers are encased in a very human person. 

One example I’m thinking of is the character Aras in Rachel Neumeier’s “Tuyo” series. He is a sorcerer with many powers and abilities, but he is a good person. He wants good for people and he uses his powers to help, not hurt. One of his powers is that he can hear everyone’s thoughts. It’s not something he can turn off, and he actually finds it distracting and uncomfortable. But what is interesting is that this ability to invade everyone’s privacy leads him to compassion, not judgement. 

Whenever I run into a character that has god-like powers, I can’t help thinking about the real God and whether the insights from these characters could reveal anything about the One True God. I have to admit that knowing that God can hear every thought I think and that he knows my brain and emotions better than I do, sometimes I find that a little nervewracking. Oh shoot, You just heard that rather mean and horrible thought I just had. But, seeing this character in the book with the same powers and seeing how it leads him to compassion helps me to step back and think about God and then think about how many bible verses talk about his compassion and perhaps that’s how it works for God as well.  

There’s another character in Victoria Goddard’s “Hands of the Emperor” series, the Emperor, who also has a lot of different magical powers and he rules many worlds and he desires goodness and justice and good for each of his subjects. He is another character who is very human, but has god-like powers. But his journey is about seeking intimate friendships. And it makes me wonder what heaven will be like. Will we truly have a chance to intimately know Jesus, up close and personal, and what is that going to be like?? 

Not only do these books get my imagination going about what Jesus is like, but they also showcase all the possibilities of human relationships. In the Tuyo series we see a relationship between a father and his son that brings me to tears. Can family relationships really look like this? We see friends who step over the polite boundaries of social etiquette, and become truly irreplaceable in each other’s lives. We see employers and employees who somehow find the perfect balance of respect and camaraderie. And it sparks my imagination. Could the relationships in my life look like this? Does a path from here to there really exist? It makes me feel hopeful and gives me vision for what I want to achieve. 

Reading can be dangerous. There are books out there that expose you to just how evil humans are capable of being, that showcase just how dysfunctional you can let your relationships get. I think some exposure to that is good, because those books are also based in reality. But, I find life so much more hopeful when I read the books that focus on, what if we did things better? What if there is a way to help those around us? What if our relationships could be not only good but awesome? And then of course those characters that give you little glimpses of what all-powerful goodness and compassion can look like, and make you wonder, is this what Jesus is like? 

I will add that while you can learn a lot from all types of books, having the foundation of the Bible is kind of imperative. The Bible says Here is Truth. Fantasy novels have the ability to take some of that truth and say, ok, here’s how that would play out in this scenario. 

Reading, like any kind of activity, can go as deep as you take it. You can consume a comic book and just count it a quick distraction. Or you can think deeply about the story the comic book told you and think about what it teaches you about human nature and how does that line up with what the Bible tells us about human nature? And then you make conclusions and come away with a little more insight about the world around you, and maybe even a little more insight on how to live out your daily life. You can do the same with a tv show, a popular song on the radio, an interesting piece of art. God’s design and truth appear everywhere in the world around us, and if we’re looking for it, we’ll see it. I just especially love looking for it in a good book. And right now, a good fantasy book. 

What if?

My brain is an interesting place. Generally, I am quite content with the brain I have, the thoughts I enjoy, the random places it takes me. But my brain can also tie me up in knots. It will suddenly decide that certain chores and jobs are impossible, insurmountable tasks. Laundry? Who cares that we have faithfully folded the laundry once a week for the past several years. Now, today, it is impossible. Folding clothes is equivalent to climbing Mt Everest. Not happening. This happenes with other things too, like making an important phone call, going to the post office to buy stamps, filling out that important paperwork. It always feels random. It always seems to come out of nowhere. But suddenly there is a task that needs to be done and it feels impossible. 

Over the years I’ve learned to trick my brain. I can’t clean my room. Ok, but we’re just going to put three things away. That’s all. We are definitely not cleaning the room, just putting away three things. And then, once three things are put away, maybe we’ll just put away one more… ok maybe we can do one more thing… and then, something tips, and cleaning the room suddenly doesn’t feel impossible and it’s actually something we want to get done, right now. 

Or maybe I’ll start singing the “Just keep swimming” song from Dory, and make myself move, and once I start moving, the momentum gets going and I’m able to side step the road block and get the task done. 

There’s other tricks I have to do. I can’t remember anything so I have to leave big visual cues. Need to pay a bill? Put the bill on my pillow so I will see it. Need to take those grocery bags with me to the store? Set them in front of the door so I have to either trip on them or move them. (Though even then, I may  be so distracted that I will just move the grocery bags out the way, continue out the door, and get to the store and wish I had those grocery bags that I conveniently left by the front door.) 

It’s my brain. It’s how it works. That’s fine. 

There are other parts of my brain that I am not at peace with. One is my brain’s tendency to fall into deep depression and then start coloring all my thoughts gray and black. No positivity going on here. As I have been grimly dragging myself out of the latest pit of despair I have employed a new trick. I’m calling it “What if..” Every time a negative thought has reared its head, I’ve been countering it with, “What if..” What if I am not a failure? What if people actually like you? What if no one cares that you made a mistake? What if you are actually beautiful? What if you are going to succeed in this task? What if you are loved? What if you are accepted? 

RIght now I can’t handle blunt positive affirmations. But, the gentler, more roundabout approach, seems to be working. Oh, wait, what if there is a different way of seeing this? What if your first gut response is actually wrong? What if you are not going to be stuck in this place forever and there is joy waiting, just a couple steps away? 

This morning I feel hopeful. Joyful. And the thought is there, What if this is reality, and those dark gray moments are the lie? 

Adults can still Celebrate, Right?

My piano students just played in their final recital of the school year. All of my choir duties are finished at school. I got to help the kids with their school musical as well, and that is done and over with. The school year is just about wrapped up, musically. A couple graduations and chapels to play at then moving on to summer music. 

It has been a really great music year. 

I was thinking about my piano students today. How proud I am of them, and how happy they were to show their family and loved ones what they’ve accomplished. I love how kids are unbashful to show off what they’ve achieved. Look what I did! And all the adults in their lives are equally happy to delight in those deeds. Great job! You were awesome! That was amazing! Because they did do a great job and it was amazing and they are awesome. 

When we get older we learn this thing called modesty. Lets not draw attention to how great we are, that would be boasting. We shouldn’t brag. Let somebody else praise us. And all this is true. We don’t like to hear adults talk about all their accomplishments. We don’t like people who brag. Boasting is not attractive. 

But, somewhere in there, I think we might have lost our ability to just celebrate every-day accomplishments. We know how to celebrate the big, giant deeds, but the smaller ones tend to get ignored. 

Today, as I had my last day of lessons with my kids and helped them get ready for their recital, I felt like a little kid, looking for a grownup that I could just tug on their sleeve and say, LOOK WHAT I DID! ISN’T THIS AMAZING! Somehow I managed to communicate well enough that these kids were able to take all their talent and potential, add in a bunch of their own hard work and all grow musically. Noticeable growth. WOW!! I worked hard, they worked hard, and together we did something amazing! 

I’m pretty excited about this past year teaching choir at my kids school too. I got thrown in the deep end and I didn’t drown. I had a crash course in teaching kids’ choirs and I learned a lot. I don’t know if we are making serious progress yet, but I know that all those kids know at least a little more about music than they did at the beginning of the school year. And I am really excited about next year and figuring out how I can become better at the job. 

Not big giant accomplishments. But, something worth celebrating. 

I know you all have things worth celebrating too, and maybe you’re too modest to bring it up. 

I’ll see if I can hit on some of them.

All you parents of school age children out there, guess what! You did it!! You’ve just about got your kids through another school year! You’ve got them to school every day, you’ve fed them, you’ve clothed them, you’ve made sure they did their homework. YOU ARE AMAZING!!! GOOD JOB!!

All you teachers out there.. YOU DID IT!!! YOU’VE JUST ABOUT MADE IT THROUGH ANOTHER SCHOOL YEAR!!! You are amazing. Miracle workers. And all you school administrators, Wow, I am in awe of what you have accomplished this year.

My brain is focused on school related peoples, but hey, all you adults out there. Adulting every day. Wow. Once again, you have pulled yourself out of bed, paid the bills, done the responsible thing yet again. Way to go! 

I’m proud of you all. Good job. 

Feeling Stingy

Friends, Romans, Countrymen! I am the proud owner of a new Chromebook! My children managed to break my last one and I have been computerless for a couple months. I borrowed my husband’s ipad a couple times, typed on my phone a couple times, but neither of those options is conducive to good writing flow. I’m so excited. It’s like getting a whole pile of new school supplies. You just feel like you should sit down and create something. 

Life has been roaring along. I’ve been going through a processing stage the last couple months. Looking closer, digging deeper, thinking long and hard. 

My daughter Ruth wrote some thoughts on her social media today that really lined up with an area I’ve been struggling with. Here are some conclusions I’ve come to. 

If I am being really really honest with myself, I don’t want God to extend the same level of mercy to others, especially others that I have problems with, as he does to me. 

For myself, I want God to have pity on me. Be understanding. Yes, you act this way because of these things that happened in your past, and it’s hard for you, and I’m just going to meet you where you are at and forgive you and help you to grow. And when you get to heaven, all the pain will be forgotten and you will step into paradise. 

Sounds good, right? 

But then I think about people that I don’t agree with. People that I think are approaching life wrong. People who have hurt me. People who are maybe promoting thoughts and ideas that I think are harmful. And if I’m really really honest, what I want is for God to confront them face-to-face and show them just how wrong they are. Maybe even rub their nose in it a bit. And then, he can forgive them, grudgingly, and they can take a lower role in heaven and just be grateful they made it, after making all those heinous mistakes. 

It’s taken a lot of deep digging to uncover this unpleasant truth about myself. And I am horrified that I am harboring these sentiments. And I want to change. I am desperately aware of how much grace and forgiveness that I need. And I thought that I was willing for everyone else to have access to that mercy as well. And, as long as I keep it fluffy and distant, I can wish that for everyone in the whole wide world. But, you start naming names, of people that really annoy you, people who have offended you, people who you vehemently disagree with, and suddenly, it’s a lot harder to feel that fluffy I-want-everyone-to-go-to-heaven feeling. Surely, some strong judgement is called for on occasion? 

A couple verses are coming to my mind right now. 

Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV): “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

And, 

Mark 12: 29-31  “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.”

I can’t help thinking that loving your neighbor as yourself means that you want the same amount of grace and forgiveness poured out on them as you want for yourself. 

Now, I have realized this about myself, but that doesn’t mean I wish to stay here. It also doesn’t mean I can just see the problem and then wish it gone. I need heart change. It’s not something I can make happen on my own. But, I know that God can make this change in me.

I’ve been stuck in the book of John for months now. My favorite chapters are fourteen through seventeen. And one of the big themes in those chapters is about Remaining in Jesus. He is the Vine, we are the branches. Remain in him and he remains in us. And how do we remain in him? By loving the people around us. And we are given the Holy Spirit to help us in this endeavor. 

Today, I was thinking about “How do I get there from here?”  How do I heal? How do I have wholeness?  And how do I get to a place where I truly want the same amount of mercy for my fellow man that I want for myself? How do I truly love my neighbor as myself? What came to my mind was a picture of me leaning into worship and leaning into being in God’s presence. Focusing on Jesus and giving him thanks for all things and keeping my face turned towards him. The more time we spend with him, the more we can become like him. And so I ask Jesus to change my heart, let me understand his love on a deeper level so that I can love others on a deeper level. And truly want everything good for them. 

Scars on my Skin

I wish sometimes that I had scars upon my skin. Jagged rough lines, now long-healed. There, present, but no longer dripping blood.

I wish, sometimes, that I had scars upon my skin. It would be comforting to look at this discolored spot, and realize the wound is no longer open. New skin has come in to make things whole again.

The scars would be a conversational piece. Oh, what happened to you? And maybe I would have heard that question so often that I would have an answer already memorized. Something pat, say what happened with bare bones details. Maybe, if I wished to talk about it, I could leave the answer open ended, friendly, an invitation for follow-up questions. Or if I didn’t want to talk about it, I could just say so politely, but firmly.

I don’t have scars on my skin. My skin is whole, sound, unmarred except for the wrinkles and occasional sunspots. Instead my scars exist down in my soul, across my mind and emotions. Unseen except perhaps in the way I shy away from certain situations or certain types of people. Unseen except in the way depression haunts my steps. Unseen except in the way my brain drifts away when my body senses danger and I am no longer present in the moment. Unseen except in the way I jump up and abruptly leave the room when certain subjects arise.

No one asks about these things. What happened? No one asks and I have never come up with a bare bones answer or even a more friendly one that leaves room for questions.

And I can not see the healed wound to know that things are better now. What if the wound is still open, still dripping blood? I can’t see it and I wonder, what kind of damage has it left? Is it getting any better?

And I struggle with my mental health and I feel ashamed that I have never overcome the depression, or the scatteredness, or the numbing overwhelming feeling that paralyzes me in my chair.

And sometimes I just wish the scars were on my skin where I could see them, and know that they have healed. Look right there, new skin, no blood. Everything is better now.

Free House: Outside Cleanup

Today is a lovely Tennessee Spring Day! Andy and an assortment of kids got outside and cleaned out some bushes and trees from the yard next door.

Here’s the before:

And then the after:

And all the brush at the alley waiting for a pickup, which fortunately our city does for free.

In other news, Andy did a job for a business opening up downtown. He got connected with the owner and found out she sells vintage clothing. He told her about our Free House and how there were several closets full of clothing that had been hanginging there for years. She came over to see what we had and ended up buying a nice big pile of stuff, so that was nice!

I’m glad spring is finally here. The warmer weather makes everything feel a little easier and all this brush cleared away makes the house feel a lot more approachable.

I’ll post more later!

Lord Have Mercy

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with what I should write about. Should I write a diatribe against all the evils of the world? Should I write an exhortation to call the church back to its First Love? Should I write parenting advice? And then, I have to remind myself of what my blog is about. Life with Esther. I’m not an advice columnist. I’m not a theologian. I’m not a political voice. I’m just me. Living life, one step at a time and sharing that journey with you in hopes that you will be encouraged in your own journeys.

So, in an attempt to share life with you, I may touch on all those topics, but that’s not my main purpose.

I know a lot of my readers aren’t American. So, I will tell you that the fact that my country has gone to war in the Middle East is alarming and bewildering and mind-numbing. I feel so ignorant of all the ins and outs of what is happening on the world stage. I don’t trust my government to make wise decisions, and at the same time I have no idea what should be happening and not happening which makes me very unqualified to sit in any kind of judgement seat. And so I wake up every morning and read the headlines, feel a sense of horror, and then pray Lord have Mercy. I don’t know what else to do.

That is the backdrop to everyday life.

In everyday life I have just finished up a class called Journey to Freedom. It’s been a two month intensive class where we immerse ourselves in the gospel, pair up with a coach, and with our coach take an intense look at our lives, past and present, bringing all these things to God. I would almost say it’s like going through a really intense confessional experience. It was difficult and stirred up a lot of sediment that I really didn’t want to disturb. But it was a holy experience that really only worked for me because my coach that I was paired up with was an older woman I already knew and already respected and looked up to. She was a kind gentle witness to all of my life laid bare and I am extremely grateful for her. I’m still processing everything, but I do feel a deeper peace after going through the whole class.

As I have had an opportunity to do a close-up look at my own life, I find myself praying often, Lord have Mercy. I don’t know what else to pray. While sins can be confessed and repented of and many relationships can be healed and strengthened, some things are beyond our ability to fix and mend and rehabilitate.

I find that instead of focusing on how messed up things are, I have had to focus on how good God is. I am encouraged to know that the things that I have gone through, the bad choices I have made, the circumstances I couldn’t avoid, none of those things changes the character of God. I have faith to believe that God is worthy of praise, always.

The things that are happening in our world are not a surprise. God’s word has already told us that these things will happen. And his word also says that Jesus will return and these things will be made right. That is what I have to lean into.

I don’t know what the rest of my life is going to look like. I don’t know how history is going to unfold. I often don’t know how to pray except to ask that God have mercy. What I do know is that Jesus loves me and mercy is something he wants to give. He made a way for me and everyone else to be with him through his work on the Cross. He has sealed me with his Holy Spirit and has promised that I will spend eternity with Him. In the meantime, I have a mission. I have a mission to remain in Jesus’ love for me and to love the people who are around me. Sometimes, the only way I can do that is to pray God’s mercy over them. But, more often, I can invite people into my home. I can give to the poor. I can speak life and wisdom over my children. I can strive for humility in all my interactions with others. And I can keep my eyes focused on Jesus and rest in his mercy.

Saturday Morning Gifts

This morning I received a gift. Or maybe several gifts. My son and daughter-in-law were in town for the weekend and I got to make a big waffle breakfast with my daughter-in-law and then see my big dining room table surrounded by cheerful children all chatting and teasing and laughing with each other. Then I announced I was going to take a walk and my youngest asked if he could go with me.

He is now nine years old and it has been several years since he has thought that taking a walk with mom was a treat.

We took off down the sidewalk and he reached over and grabbed my hand, twining his fingers with mine. I felt a little bit like a wildlife photographer. Hold really still and try not to startle them or scare them away! The day was gray, it had just stopped drizzling. The sidewalk was wet and slick, the light subdued. But it felt like a joyful, bright, cheerful moment as I walked hand in hand with my not-so-little boy.

Neither of us were in a very talkative mood, but he would make observations every once in a while, pulling me over closer to the side of the road so he could balance on the curb as he walked.

My youngest is nine years old. I have had four children leave home and take off into the world already and the next one in line graduates high school this spring and heads to college in the fall. Andy and I are very conscious that our season of full-time parenting is going to end in a relatively short amount of time.

And so, for a tiny moment, I felt very clearly how precious this was, to have one more walk with my baby while he still wanted to hold my hand.

My oldest son sat at my dining room table this morning, with his wife by his side and informed all his younger siblings that when he was young he had been the perfect child. Of course, all of his siblings who were similar in age to him and could testify the truth or lie of this statement were not there, but his young siblings still looked at him with strong skepticism. Then someone said, ASK MOM! She’ll tell you! My son looked me straight in the face without batting an eyelash, waiting for me to confirm his story. I shrugged and said, Sure. Which, I have to tell you is so far from the truth it’s very funny. But I backed him up and he was able to gloat in his supposed superiority while the kids continued to express skepticism. And I love that. I love that its been a long enough time that we can move on from all the ups and downs of me raising my first son while I had no idea what I was doing, and we can be settled in the fact that we love each other and enjoy each other’s company.

I have wonderful memories of my oldest son as a young child, his zest for life, his amazing creativity. But I can’t remember the last walk we took where he still wanted to hold my hand. I don’t think I can remember that for any of my other children. So, I received a gift today. A heavenly tap on my shoulder. Hey, pay attention. This is a special moment. Savor it. Remember it. Write it down. One of life’s great joys, tucked away into a normal Saturday morning.

Free House: Getting Easier

Andy and I went over to the free House to work today and I have to say, I think this is easiest session we’ve had so far. Highlights were no poop or pee and no rotten food. Woohoo!

We are in the upstairs now.

So apparently, when our neighbor first moved into this house it was in the 80s and she rented the upstairs from the elderly woman who lived there. There used to be a stairway that went up the outside of the house. Here’s what’s left of it.

There was a door which was obviously not original to the house.

The room we cleaned today must have been her living room. Here’s the before.

We found some interesting things today, including this giant safe thats not going to be fun to get back down the stairs.

If you’d like an electric hotdog cooker, I can help you out.

We actually found a lot of vintage, odd small appliances, all in their original packaging.

Since we cleaned the hallway last time, we were able to throw things out the upstairs hall windows instead of hauling everything down the stairs, which also made everything easier. We could have kept cleaning but our trailer was completely full again.

Here’s the after picture.

We’ve been talking a lot more about what we’re going to do with the house. On days when we are feeling poor and overwhelmed we tend to feel like just selling it. But then we revive and think of how amazing it would be to have it fixed up and available for use. That is still the plan, but sometimes it feels a little impossible. So we push on, one step at a time. We’ll do everything we can and then when we hit a roadblock we’ll reassess. For now, there’s lots of cleaning to be done, yardwork, and several repair projects we can do with minimal funds, so no roadblocks in the near future.

An Apology

This post has been a long time coming. Not knowing how to address this topic has kept me silent quite a bit. 

I feel like I need to apologize for not entering the political online war. You know, the place where I tell you how I feel about the current political situation and try to offer wisdom and insight into the current tragedy that is playing out on our screens and perhaps chastise those who seem to be behaving badly or holding ungodly viewpoints on the issue. 

Issues I have avoided talking about: 

The war in Palestine

Ukraine

Government shutdowns

Epstein Files

Greenland

Venezuela

ICE

Etc…

I have opinions. I have strongly held views. Of course I think my views are godly and correct. And everyone else is wrong or at best, seriously misguided. 

I have written a lot of posts in my head on these issues. Scathing posts. Angry posts. Pleading posts. But I haven’t written them down. And that feels cowardly. 

I’m not using my platform to stand up for the downtrodden, the mistreated, the abused. I’m not defending the weak and the poor with my online posts. I’m one of the silent ones. One of those people who watched the Jews be taken to the camps and said nothing. I feel that guilt sitting on me. Because really my apology is for not doing anything to bring about change in the world. 

I pray about it. Lord, show me what to write. Show me how I can stand up for the persecuted. What can I do to stop these horrible things that are happening around me? 

I care. But my caring doesn’t seem to be backed up by any hands-on involvement. I send money. But I don’t send myself. 

What do I want? I want Christians to stop chasing after power. I want Love to be the law of the land. I want people to speak gently and compassionately about their fellow contrymen. I want children to not be bombed and starved to death. I want immigrants to be welcomed with open arms and easy paths to citizenship. I want accountability for those who govern us. I want the hungry to be fed. 

I don’t know how to make any of that happen. I don’t want to fight and argue on online platforms that feel to me like an imaginary place where people go to be rude and unpleasant to each other. I don’t want to join protests where I agree with only one issue that is being protested and none of the others. I have attempted to contact my representatives but feel very cynical about their willingness to listen to anything that doesn’t line up with their political platform. 

I have a deep sense of apathy when it comes to politics, local and otherwise. When I see that the two choices that I’m offered are both evil, just wrapping their greed in different colored cloths, I lose my hope that my vote really amounts to anything. I can vote in someone who wants to throw out all morality and safeguarding, or I can vote in someone who wants to persecute the poor and needy in the name of Jesus. I feel tainted voting for either party. 

I don’t think I’m afraid to make my opinions and views known. I am just very hesitant to start wars that are ineffectual and cause division without actually effecting any change. And what I want is change. Not to prove myself right to everyone else. Not to show that I am morally superior. At the very least, I want the poor to be fed and housed. I want people who don’t have white skin to feel safe and secure in my country. I want children to be safe from bombs and be able to have normal childhoods. 

I don’t know what actions to take to help towards that. 

My prayer is that God would show me something concrete I can do, and that I would have the moral courage to actually do it, even if it’s uncomfortable. 

In the meantime, I will continue to take care of my family, try to love anyone who enters my circle of influence and pray. It’s not enough. I just don’t know what else to do yet, and I’m sorry for that.