My head is fuzzy
Thoughts flit around and disappear
My shoulders, so tired
The world weighs too much
I try to move and bustle around
My legs are heavy
So tired.
Just keep moving, Just keep moving
I whisper to myself
The daily tasks stack up around me
Waiting.
Voices call my name
Everybody needs me.
How much longer?
How much longer can I just keep moving?
Rest
My soul cries for rest.
God help me please.
And I wait
And I trust
And I just keep moving
Confident Help is on the way.
I saw the question the other day, Is God safe? And it’s really got me thinking. Probably because the word “safe” had already been on my mind. The google dictionary defines safe as:
Safe: adjective; protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost.
If this is the definition we are using, then I would say emphatically that God is NOT safe. No, I don’t think he will harm me or lose me, but danger and risk seem to be a big part of following God.
Think of the phrase Safety Zone and you see what I mean. My experience in following God is continually being forced out of my safety zone. Pushed into new relationships, new situations, new ways of doing life. And my life is richer, fuller, more exciting, more fulfilling, healthier. But not safer.
A bible verse has been running through my head this week.
The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe. Proverbs 18:10
When I think about this verse I think about medieval peasants running to their overlord’s fortress because their village is under attack. The fortress is safety. The overlord offers safety, but in a fierce Warrior kind of way. The “I will ride out and defeat our enemies” kind of way. The overlord is dangerous, strong, to be respected and obeyed. He offers safety. But I wouldn’t describe him as “safe”.
C.S. Lewis wrote a children’s series called Narnia. In the series Jesus is allegorically portrayed as a Lion named Aslan. In the book “The Horse and His Boy” one of the characters (a talking horse) sees Aslan for the first time.
“Then Hwin, though shaking all over, gave a strange little neigh and trotted across to the Lion. “Please,” she said, “you‘re so beautiful. You may eat me if you like. I’d sooner be eaten by you than fed by anyone else.”
I feel like this quote really sums up the question, Is God safe? God is Creator. Almighty, Powerful. He is Good. He is King. He is Sovereign. He is Fierce and Strong. But he’s also Gentle and Meek. Kind. Compassionate. Slow to Anger. Abounding in Love. Merciful.
In the end my posture is “God, you are good. You are beautiful. I worship you. I trust you with my life. But I also give up all rights to self-governance. I’m not in control anymore. You are. And I have no guarantees that you will make things turn out the way I want them. But I would rather die a martyr serving you than sit safe in my home without you.”
God is not safe. But he is good. And he offers us the life that we were created to live.
Good morning everyone. I hope your week has gone well. I’ve had a super-busy, super-stressful week. But here I am. It’s Friday. I have survived.
Despite the craziness of this week, (or maybe because?) I managed to lose FIVE pounds since last Friday. I don’t know if I’ve ever lost that much in one week. Which is great because I had stalled out. I had seventeen days where the scale didn’t budge. Of course, during those seventeen days I went on vacation and ate vacation food and then I went on a retreat and ate retreat food and in general I was eating more processed foods. Last Saturday I decided I was going to take a break from grain and sugar (the two things I crave the most) and see if I could get this weight loss moving again. And apparently, it worked.
I’ve been trying to be really low-key about it. I keep telling myself I’m just going to do this for a week. This is not forever. I have a tendency to go into binge mode whenever I feel like I’m being deprived. So I’ve been trying to be gentle with whatever it is inside of me that reacts that way. Soothing. It’s Ok! You can do this! You can eat that bag of popcorn next week! (I think the bag of BOOM CHICKA POP sweet and salty kettle corn that is in my cupboard has been the only thing that has offered real temptation.) I haven’t missed rice or gluten-free stuff at all.
I bought this giant box of SPRING MIX mixed greens and that is quickly becoming a main staple. I also found this stuff called SKINNY GIRL salad dressing that has no fat or sugar and actually tastes really good. Only 10 calories per serving. Yay! Cause I can eat all kinds of salad if I have salad dressing. So, my go-to this week has been a big pile of mixed greens with some tomatoes and then some beans and either some grilled meat or some vegan sausages. Add a sprinkle of cheese and the Skinny Girl Honey Dijon dressing and it’s yummy and filling. I’ve also been eating lots of blueberries.
I’m not sure how long I’ll keep up the NO GRAIN, NO SUGAR. Losing five pounds is pretty motivating though. I’ll definitely do it again this week and see how things go.
By the way, this weight loss now puts me at a grand total of FORTY-ONE pounds lost! Woohoo. It’s been 6 months and a week since I started this journey.
Besides changing my diet, I’ve also been exercising more. Or more intensely. I’ve been getting my 10,000 steps most days and I’ve been jogging three times this week. Plus some yoga and weights and swimming. I am finding that an intense workout really helps with all the stress I’ve been going through. I am feeling strong and fit. Which is a brand new sensation for me.
Well, I’m off for another week of Low-Carb and exercise. I’ll let you know how it’s going next week!
Well, I had a first today. I served as a witness in a murder trial.
I promise I’m not making these things up.
I did not play a major role in the trial. Just came in and confirmed it was me in the 911 recording and then explained again what I had seen. Total of five minutes tops. The cross-examination was one question. (As an avid reader of John Grisham, I found it pretty amazing to be “cross-examined”.)
As thrilling (or rather, nerve-wracking) experience as it was, it was also very sad. Six years ago our neighbor’s nephew was shot when he was walking home from work. It has taken SIX YEARS for this to go to trial. And his parents and relatives are still deeply mourning his death. I pray that the trial ends with justice and closure for all those who are still mourning.
As I was walking out of the courthouse I was pondering human worth. This trial is a big example of how we place worth on people. Someone’s life is taken. The suspect is taken into custody. Witnesses come forward. The entire bulky justice system sets itself into motion to ensure that justice is served. Time, money, resources, all set in motion to say, this person’s life had worth and we require justice because it was ended wrongfully.
And then, at the same time, the trial took SIX YEARS to happen! Which sends a totally different message. This is important, but maybe not THAT important.
We do this with children. We have CHILD SERVICES that are present to ensure that children are not being abused or neglected. Entire bureaucracies devoted to the safe-guarding of children. We have NICU units in our hospitals, devoted to saving the life of prematurely born babies and other infants suffering any kind of malady. All declaring that children have WORTH. Time, money and all manner of resources devoted to showing worth.
And then, at the same time, we’ve decided that if a child is in the womb, the mother can decide that the child doesn’t have worth at all and simply abort it. Not THAT important after all.
We do it with our elderly. Though, as I sit here, I can’t think of too many ways that we show our elderly their worth. Maybe we just talk about our elders having worth. Our subpar nursing homes, inefficient Medicare and tiny social security payments don’t show a lot of worth to our elderly. But we TALK about them having worth.
It’s no wonder that we are so confused about self-worth.
Our social structures give us very mixed messages about our worth. And our overall culture does the same. We idolize people in entertainment who look a “certain” way. (Whichever way happens to be popular at the moment.) And the problem is, that “certain” way is not how most people look. And then we compare ourselves to this touched-up, photo-shopped, made-up version of what we think is beautiful, we don’t look anything like it, and then we feel subpar. Not beautiful. And in our society, not-beautiful equals lesser importance.
So, how do we step out of this confusing mess of mixed messages that we live in?
Well, I’m going to point you back to the Bible. Again. Cause it’s the only thing we have that speaks truth. What does God say about you?
You are Loved by God John 3:16
You are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus Ephesians 2:10
You are Created in God’s Image Gen 1:27
You are Forgiven through the work of Jesus on the Cross Colossians 1:13-14
As a follower of Jesus You are Heirs of eternal life 1 John 5:13
As a follower of Jesus You are Blessed with all Spiritual Blessings Ephesians 1: 3-6
I could go on and on and on. All about how much worth you have. I would say that any place in our society and culture that declares to you your worth as a human being, you can thank God for those being there. And any place where you are being devalued, that is the Enemy, known by many names, whose only mission is to seek and destroy all that God has created.
It’s late. I’ve had a really long day. But before I go to bed, I just wanted to let you know, You are Beautiful. You are loved. You have Great Worth.
Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there!
To my husband, Thank you for investing in our marriage, investing in our children. Putting the needs of your family first. Thank you for your sense of humor that keeps us laughing. Thank you for your enthusiasm that sparks life into dreary days. I am thankful for all your gifts and talents that continue to amaze me day after day. I am thankful for your love for your children, your obvious affection that is not hidden under any kind of reserve. I am thankful for your steady leadership and for you being the kind of man our children want to emulate.
And to my Dad and my Father-in-law, thank you for making Jesus the most important part of our childhoods. Thank you for that legacy. And thank you for the ways you continue to pour into our children now.
And to all you other Dads out there, Happy Father’s Day! May it be a blessed day for you!
Have I told you all about the Spanish class I’m taking this summer? It’s kind of a crazy story.
Sometime in the spring the school sent home a notice for the parents. They had a grant to do some kind of community outreach to the parents and they sent home a list of options of things they would like to offer. One of the things on the list was Adult Spanish Class. It looked interesting. I checked the box, Yes I am interested, and sent it back with my student. A couple months later, another notice was sent home. Ok, we’ve narrowed down the options of what people want, we are offering these things: Adult Spanish Class…and a couple others I don’t remember. So, I again checked the box, Yes, I am interested in the Adult Spanish Class. Then maybe another month later, they sent home another notice. These are different times available for the Adult Spanish Class, which ones could you do? I checked off the right boxes and sent the notice back. Then a bit later, I got an email asking me to confirm that I wanted to take the Adult Spanish Class at THIS time, on THIS day. I sent back an email confirming and wrote it down on my calendar.
So, this was my thought process. It looked like a fun way to get to know other parents in the community, and it would be a great chance to brush up my Spanish and maybe get some better grammar skills. I lived in Chile two different times and I picked up a lot of Spanish, but my grammar is pretty poor. I did not study Spanish in high school, I did French. So, I have a lot of gaps. I also haven’t had to speak Spanish for almost twenty years so I had forgotten a lot of what I had learned. I knew it was a beginning class so it would be easy, but maybe I’d learn some new things, meet some new people…
I signed into the first class via Zoom and met the teacher. We sat and chatted while we waited for the other students to sign on. But no one signed on. The teacher was puzzled. She said she had eight confirmed students signed up for the class. We waited, chatted. After twenty minutes, we finally decided to just move on with the class. By the way, this is a two hour class. She ran me through the paces and started figuring out where I was in my knowledge and what my goals were. And we spent a lot of time talking in Spanish, me frantically racking my brain trying to remember very old vocabulary. But it was fun. She gave me homework and said she really wasn’t sure what we would do the next week when, hopefully, other students showed up, but she assured me she would find a way to keep it challenging for me. Yay.
I signed into class the next week and again, none of the eight confirmed students showed up. Just me. And so began my weekly, free, two hour, personal Spanish lessons that will go all summer. She started off keeping it pretty simple, but this week I am having to memorize the Preterite Verb conjugation and be able to use it easily in conversation next week. Yikes. But, it’s nice to be challenged.
I am, of course, a little nervous. This feels like a set up. Like God just flung open this door and let me have this opportunity and now I’m nervously looking around me, pretty sure that sometime in the near future I’m going to be having some non-English speaking people show up in my life. Cause we get blessed so we can bless others. Right? I’ll let you all know when these people show up. In the meantime, I’ll be practicing my verb conjugations.
I had a thought this week as I was getting dressed. What shoes am I going to put on? I’ve got three pairs of shoes that I regularly wear. My tennis shoes, my sandals, and my flipflops. Tennis shoes means I am ready to move and ready to work. I’m ready to take a quick walk around the block when there’s a lull in the day or I’m feeling the stress build up. I’m ready to run up the stairs to get something I need, I’m ready to clean, go to the store, do a workout…whatever. Tennis shoes=movement. Then there’s my sandals. They are very practical but prettier. I wear those when I know I’m going out: to appointments, the store, visit someone, whatever. And then flipflops. Unless I’m heading to the lake, wearing flip flops means I’m having a “Non-day” as I call it. I have no plans to accomplish anything. I plan on moving in slow motion. Lounging around a lot. Settling on a couch with a book.
So, it occured to me that in my job (staying home, taking care of a giant house filled with nine children) tennis shoes are really the best bet. If I already have tennis shoes on, I’m a lot more likely to make my 10,000 steps a day. I’m a lot more likely to engage in spontaneous running around. I’m a lot more likely to accomplish my goals. And yet, here I am, writing this, wearing my flipflops. Cause I’m tired and feeling lazy and wanting to start this day off slowly. I’ve promised myself that once I’m fully awake, I’ll put my tennis shoes on. It’s an interesting mind game I play with myself.
Note to self: get up and put on your tennis shoes every morning. It will make the day better.
In other news, I went running yesterday with my dog. That was an interesting experience. My trainer had put down to run two miles and then walk two miles. And I thought, hmm, it would be nice to find a trail where I could just run two miles down the trail and then walk back. I know these trails exist in my city, but I usually just go to the park down the road from me cause I like to stay close to home. So, I was heading out to my car to drive to the park and one of my kids said, Oh, I thought you were going to run to the park. And I had this lightbulb moment. Oh, yeah. That actually makes sense since the park is about two miles from my house. I have never run in my nieghborhood, probably the main reason being that I don’t look very impressive when I run and I’d rather not show off that image to all my neighbors. But, there is also safety to consider. I generally don’t head out into my nieghborhood solo. I always have my dog or a herd of children with me. And while I feel like I’ve got a lot of good nieghbors, we do have an unsavory element that drives around in this area. So, I didn’t feel comfortable just trotting off by myself.
My husband suggested taking the dog with me. Hmm. Ok. I guess we could TRY it. My dog does not have a lot of training (not the dog’s fault). He’s well-behaved, knows a couple basic commands, which is all we need. But, he’s not the best when we go out walking. He pulls on the leash and wants to stop and sniff EVERYTHING. I didn’t know how he would do when I required him to keep moving, WITHOUT smelling the roses.
At the beginning he did pretty well. The first half mile he seemed to be saying, FINALLY! You’re going at my pace! He trotted along cheerfully and I only had to pull him a couple times when he got sidetracked. But, as we continued, he got more and more interested in his surroundings and several times he yanked me off my stride because he had come to a full-stop to inspect something. But, he did better than I thought he would. And actually, I made my best time yet for two miles! Almost two minutes faster than my previous run! So, I’m hoping to do this more.
Here’s to Tennis Shoes and Running Dogs!
This past weekend I went on a Story Retreat with the Look Inside ministry (Look Inside). Five women came together at a beautiful retreat center and we explored our childhood stories that have had a big impact on whom we’ve become as adults.
Today I was listening to Psalm 103, put to music. And it feels like that Psalm sums up my weekend. It’s a long Psalm so I won’t put the whole thing here. Here’s a link, you can go read it real quick: Psalm 103
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
Psalm 103:13-14
I would say Compassion is what I have been feeling. God’s compassion on me, first of all just to open the door for me to attend the retreat. I hadn’t made any plans to go, but at the last moment, was offered a free, already paid spot. And my schedule was open. And my husband was willing to hold down the fort.
I felt God’s compassion to put me in a safe place with women who listened, showed compassion and respect, and spoke healing words.
I felt his Compassion as I soaked in the beautiful surroundings: the everchanging sky, majestic trees, green fields and hills.
I felt his Compassion as I ate delicious food prepared by someone else, planned by someone else, a much-appreciated break for a mom of a large family.
I felt his Compassion in the kind words spoken to me by the other women.
And maybe one of the most wonderful ways he showed his Compassion was at the end of a long day as we had all dug into hard places and done some hard work as we waded through the mess…at the end of that day we were planning to do something fun to decompress and out on our balcony we saw the most amazing beautiful rainbow I have ever seen. From our viewpoint, we were right in the center of the rainbow and it perfectly arched over our view of the lake and the hills. And then, a double rainbow appeared, And THEN, the rainbow just kept getting brighter and brighter and brighter and it lasted a LONG time. And it felt like a blessing being spoken over us as we stood and watched the colors shimmering in the air.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
Psalm 103: 17-18
I feel renewed. Refreshed. (Though I will qualify that, some of it is the refreshing you get after going to the dentist. It was painful, but necessary, and things feel a lot better afterwards!)
I also kind of feel off-kilter, like the day after a funeral, but also, like the day after giving birth. Because really, that is what story work is about. Naming and mourning what was taken from you. And then walking into new hope as you learn how to step out of those dangerous mindsets that entrapped you so early, and step into a more truthful and healthier way of doing life. It was hard work and it was wholesome work and I feel the goodness of God for allowing me to do it.
“Bless the LORD O my soul: and all that is within me bless his holy name.” Psalm 103:1 (KJV)
Today (Thursday) has not been a great day for the diet. In fact, the last three days haven’t been great. A lot of fast food. This morning I had run out of my lite greek yogurt cups. I ate the last of my blueberries and then looked in the fridge again. There was not much there and none of it looked good. I poured myself a bowl of cereal. My first cereal in a really long time. Last night someone dropped off pizza at our house. I thought I would go and cook myself some lentils and rice. Didn’t happen. I was really busy and then I was super hungry so I grabbed some pizza.
That has kind of been how the days have been going. I’m super busy and there is not-so-healthy food available and so I eat it.
I’ve been feeling pretty bad about it today. But, as I tried to explain what was going on to my trainer, I got some clarity on what’s going on….
This week has been crazy. It’s the first full week of having all my kids home from school, and that’s following a vacation and then immediately having all my big kids head off to camp which meant I was managing all the little kids on my own for five days. I have written down a new family schedule, but now, by sheer force of will, I have to get all my kids onto this new schedule. And that takes a lot of will power. At the same time I am trying to get my house in order after the vacation and having a week with no older children home to help. And also get my house summer-proofed (organizing my activity drawer for rainy days, organizing books and math puzzles and workbooks for keeping our school skills honed during the summer, organizing all our legos and building blocks and art supplies for bored kids).
You would think I would have already been prepared for summer to come. After all, it’s no surprise. But, alas, I was so focused on just finishing up this crazy school year that I did not give a lot of thought to summer. Also, we have a foster child who does not handle a “go-with-the-flow” lifestyle, which my other kids are more adept at. We are finding out, loud and clear, that our house needs a strong routine/schedule NOW in order to help her function better. And so this week has seen me extremely busy and slightly panicked as I have been trying to establish order as quickly as possible.
Grocery shopping and meal prep and cooking healthy dinners have been low on the priority list.
So, I’ve learned something important about myself. I have to have a routine/schedule or I can’t function as a mom of many kids .
I have been working hard on fixing that and I’m actually pretty hopeful that by this coming Monday morning, I’ll have the most important things in place and I can be back on schedule.
It was really helpful to talk to my trainer and put things in perspective. Ok. There is a roadblock. Let’s make a plan to fix the problem and then move on.
For the first time since I started writing this blog I have been struggling, the last couple weeks, to find a time to sit down and write. Usually my days have a fairly slow rhythm and I can fit in whatever extra thing I need to do pretty easily. But since summer has started I feel like my personal treadmill suddenly sped up from easy walk to fast run.
I’m pretty sure that any mom out there that suddenly has her kids home from school will understand. Transitioning to new schedules is not easy. Not easy on the mom, not easy on the kids. And if you have any kids with special needs, that transition is even harder. Routine is a strong glue that holds a lot of people together. Usually I am a little more prepared, but for whatever reason, this summer I’ve been floundering a bit.
I went out and bought a big dry-erase calendar board that has a “notes” section on the side. Then I realized that wasn’t enough space to get everything written down, so I went and bought another smaller dry-erase board and put it underneath that one. Now, I think I need at least ONE more dry-erase board to really have EVERYTHING written down. (Because writing everything down on a dry-erase board will somehow make everything better!)
This summer I have different children leaving for different camps almost every single week. It’s unnerving. When you have a lot of kids there’s always a bit of an inner panic that you’re going to forget someone somewhere and now the routine is all shaken up and I have to count kids up differently. We’re missing someone!! Oh, right, they’re at camp. And that one is at summer school, and that one is at work, and that one is playing at the neighbors…you can see how it gets a bit unnerving. Like, could everyone just sit still so I know where you are.
I”ve had other unnerving things happen too. Like I had to get a root canal yesterday. Very unnerving. I hate pain. I hate dental pain. I really dislike dental work.
I’m going on a women’s retreat this weekend. I’ll be gone from the family. That is very unnerving. Not that I can’t be alone without my family. Not that I won’t greatly enjoy being alone for a couple days. But it’s different. It’s not normal, and I have a hard time relaxing into “not normal” things.
So, here I am, flying along on this fast-paced “new” schedule that hasn’t become a comfortable routine yet. My kids are all off in different directions. I’m doing something different this weekend. The end result is that I’m battling with some anxiety and panic. And in the middle of all this chaos, God has been downloading his goodness to me. And I want everything else to just hit pause so I can just soak it all in, but instead I just find myself dwelling on it in bits and pieces when a quiet moment arrives.
My teens went to a church youth camp and when they came back, some things had shifted spiritually for some of them. And I can see a difference. And I just want to cry because really, the only important thing in my entire life is that my children follow after God, and when you see them taking ownership of that relationship and becoming independent in that area, there aren’t any words to describe your joy.
Another thing, a friend of mine has been posting Bible devotions/research that she has been doing about Jesus as the Groom and God has been shining a spotlight on the intimacy of his relationship with me. And it makes me feel cherished and special. It’s an overwhelming answer to that lifelong question, “Do I have any worth? Am I lovable?”
So, here I am, waffling back and forth from a spiritual high to anxiety. It’s a weird place to be. Writing this down helps me get it all sorted out in my mind though. God loves me. I can be at peace knowing he’ll help me figure out this summer.
Life With Esther 