Tag: depression

Post Christmas Blues

Holidays are strange things. The more you get hyped up about them, the lower you feel when they’re all over. Some article I read about emotional cycles said it was normal, if you have a big emotional high your emotions are going to swing low afterwards before they eventually even out again.

Christmas is a big high for me, an entire month of celebrating. Then Christmas night I feel that low feeling creeping in on me. What’s next? New Year. ugh. New Years for me is an odd mixture of disappointment as I look back at the past year and realize I didn’t accomplish half the goals I set out to accomplish, and then hope…maybe this next year will be better and I will finally make those positive changes to my life that I’ve been dreaming of for years.

Christmas night is also a good time to realize once again that: stuff doesn’t make us happy (as evidence, the kids still found something to fuss about); it’s really the people in our life that bring us joy (Christmas was fun because I was with my family); it’s more blessed to give than to receive (I think I had a lot more fun than my kids, just watching everyone open all the presents we got them); and in the end, we all need Jesus (as I felt the low encroaching on me, it was Jesus, not my new stuff or even my family that could calm my spirit and bring me peace again).

So, I”m going to end this with my cure for lowness. I’m going to be thankful. I am thankful that my husband and I had the resources to get our children gifts this year. I am thankful that my children put out effort on their own to get presents for each other. I am thankful my parents were able to come and spend time with us. I am thankful for my warm cozy house that has enough room for 10 kids. I am thankful for sparkly lights and candles and bright cheerful ornaments. I am thankful for my husband who worked alongside me Christmas Eve on all the last minute preparations even though he was burning up from a fever. And I am thankful for a grand big celebration of Jesus coming to earth. Thankful that he is Emmanuel, God with us. Thankful that Jesus is enough for my highs and my lows. Happy Post Christmas Everyone.

Morning Sickness and the Presence of God

Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  This is the official term for really bad morning sickness or “excessive vomiting during pregnancy”. I have 10 children (plus 2 miscarriages, equal a grand total of 12 children). Every single one of my pregnancies found me throwing up for several months. The first pregnancy the nausea didn’t stop till I was 20 weeks. Through each pregnancy that time period got a little bit shorter, but the shortest duration was still 15 weeks. Each pregnancy I averaged about a 20 pound weight loss at the beginning and usually had at least 2 trips to the ER for severe dehydration. I took a variety of medicine, but through trial and error, discovered that all but one gave me the wonderful side effects of severe panic attacks. My intense dislike of panic attacks meant I would choose vomiting over anxiety. I finally settled on taking Zofran which was very expensive and really just kept the edge off enough that I could stay alive. I know that sounds melodramatic, but that’s what it felt like.

This is what severe morning sickness is like. It’s your body saying to you, if you drink something, I’m going to make you throw up, if you eat something, I’m going to make you throw up, if you walk around at all, I’m going to make you throw up. So what do you do?  Well, I eventually worked out a strategy. Get up, go throw up, quickly take a Zofran with a tiny bit of water, sit very still. Eat something high starch and very salty (the last several pregnancies I settled on Velveeta mac and cheese), take another sip of water, and then lay very very still. Don’t move. No interactions with people. My goal was to not throw up for at least 3 hours so that my body could at least digest some of the food. About 3 hours later, I would repeat the process, except maybe this time eat a little bit of melon or eat some frozen pomegranate juice. (I had a really weird diet, only a handful of things sounded doable, and it was always random. Later when I would start to feel a bit better and get some appetite back, I would always crave green beans and boiled potatoes. Weird.) I counted up the my daily calories once and I averaged somewhere between 600-900 calories a day, depending on what kind of day I was having. The hardest part was being constantly dehydrated. I kept a glass of ice water by my bed but could only manage a sip here and there, anything more made me throw up. I would lay in my bed and dream about water. I usually day dreamed about being up in the mountains at the river, jumping into the icy coldness, hearing the sound of bubbling water. I would think about waterfalls, and picturesque lakes. I craved water. Sometimes I would go and get a little stool and just sit in the shower, letting the water rush over me, hoping that my skin would absorb some of the water and make me feel better.

I did this 10 times. (The 2 pregnancies where I miscarried, I had no morning sickness. Which made me change my perspective as I started recognizing morning sickness as a sign of a healthy pregnancy.) I am sure you are wondering why I did this so many times. Well, very early in our marriage my husband and I decided that we wanted God to determine our family size. I was willing to commit to this method one child at a time. After each pregnancy, I would think there was No Way in Hell I would ever do that to myself again, but when it came time to discuss birth control, I never felt comfortable. I still felt like this was something I was supposed to do. I loved my children. I loved having a large family. Really, my only problem with lots of pregnancies was the morning sickness. I do think that we have the exact right number of children for us. I am going to base this on the fact that when we finally decided that we were done, I had no regrets, no second thoughts, no ambiguity. I knew we were done. I hadn’t felt that peace beforehand.

During my times of morning sickness I would worry about my family. I think for the first couple pregnancies I felt guilty, like I was somehow failing my husband and children because I wasn’t up and taking care of things. After a while, common sense kicked in and I stopped feeling guilty. It takes two to get pregnant and my husband knew that I was going to get sick, so he could now deal with the consequences and take care of the family while I laid in bed for a couple months. And, he rose to the occasion. No children were lost, no one starved to death, the house didn’t burn down. Everyone learned to appreciate mom a bit more.

Being in bed for months on end does something to you though. I usually had one of two responses when I got sick. I either got really depressed or I got really angry. Depressed because there was no end in sight. I knew I wanted more children which meant I would have to go through this again. Anger because why on earth would God give me the kind of body that hates pregnancy, but at the same time give me a desire to have lots of children? Each time I had to do a lot of soul searching, a lot of talks with God, and as I started feeling better, I had to give myself a lot of grace to just recover from the whole thing.

My last pregnancy was different. I found myself just feeling resigned. Ok. I’ve got to do this. I’m going to read a bunch of good books, I’m going to watch TV shows, I’m going to distract myself as much as possible and endure.

During this time God gave me the most interesting gift I’ve ever had. The nausea had reached the point of no return and I ran to the bathroom, knelt in front of the toilet and started throwing up. Suddenly God spoke to me. Very clearly. He said, “Am I still worthy of praise?” My first response was, “What? Now? You’re talking to me now?” and then, as I continued to throw up, I thought back to him, since talking was not an option, “Yes, you are worthy of praise. Even now. I give you praise.” And suddenly I felt God’s presence heavy on me and now I was crying and sobbing. The sickness finally passed. I got up, cleaned up, staggered back to my bed. I lay there feeling a bit confused.  I had just gone through a holy moment. A very unexpected, out of the box holy moment. I must say I did not expect God’s presence to show up while I was kneeling in front of a toilet. God had just let me participate in that thing called “a sacrifice of praise”. Praising God when things aren’t going well, when you’re not feeling blessed, when life kind of sucks. I call this a gift from God because I can tell you that in my own strength I never would have thought about praising God while I was throwing up. Never. It was a gift because he got my attention, he gave me an opportunity to offer him a sacrifice of praise, and I think it’s one of the most holy moments I have ever had in my life. Because He is Worthy. He is Worthy of our Praise. No matter what is happening in your life, he is Worthy. And when we praise him it actually strengthens us, because we step into his presence for a moment.  We experience his Love and Peace and Goodness, and in my experience, that’s what I need to make it through this life.

Thoughts On Depression

Many of you know that I only recently came out of a long depression. It was not fun. I hope I never go through that again. But, God was faithful. During that time of depression God helped me to face some demons I had been trying to ignore for years. He helped me take some time off from life to think through the past and the present and perhaps take hold of some hope for the future.

I know that many people suffer from depression. And I think that the population of people that don’t understand depression is probably pretty small. But, I think it is always encouraging when you hear about someone else who has been on the same journey as yourself. It makes you feel less isolated, less like a strange foreign being, when you realize that your experience is shared with others. I recently picked up a book by Christian author Philip Yancey called “Reaching for the Invisible God”. I am only about six chapters in, it is heavy reading, but I can’t tell you how encouraging it has been to read about someone else’s doubts and trials and realize that I am not alone in my questions and worries.  

During my depression, God never “healed” me. He never gave me a special touch where I then walked away full of joy and confidence. Instead he just walked with me. He never left me. I cried out to him and he was always there. He didn’t fix me. He knew there were a lot of things I needed to face and deal with and for some reason, I wasn’t willing to deal with the baggage when I was happy and content. I am not saying that God made me depressed. I am rather saying that he allowed me to deal with the natural consequences of a stressful life that never stopped to reflect and never stopped to deal with painful things, trying to ignore them instead. Pain doesn’t go away. It has to be faced head on. If not, it just keeps resurfacing, usually at very inconvenient times.

Looking back I can now say I am thankful for my period of depression. I am thankful that God used that time to lead me down a path of healing. Am I now all fixed and better? No. I don’t think that will happen till I get to heaven.  I am more aware though of my tendencies to hide from hard things, and I have more courage to face those hard things as they show up in my life. I also have a much better understanding of how important it is to face those hard things instead of trying to ignore them into nonexistence.

I would like to add that I did not travel this path alone. My husband offered me the gift of understanding and zero expectations. My children offered me the gift of patience and unconditional love. My doctor offered me the gift of teaching me to set small goals so that I could get through one day at a time. My church family offered me the gift of prayer and encouraging words, and physical help when needed. My Facebook friends offered me the gift of kind understanding words, and a small group of women whom I met with weekly, offered me the gift of listening. I am so thankful for my community that helped carry me through.

I found the following reflection that I wrote when I was deep in my depression, fighting every day to keep thoughts of suicide at bay, fighting every day to hang on to hope. In the midst of the storm God gave me moments of peace that carried me through….

I am standing in my dining room, looking out the window, watching the last light of the sunset filter through the trees. The naked branches of the trees show up black against the lighter sky, and it speaks of winter. The sky is slowly turning to my favorite color of indigo. My children are running around, playing a game that involves a lot of jumping and yelling. The baby is in his high chair talking to the world at large. All the sounds fade as I look outside. I can see the rope swing swaying in the breeze and as it becomes darker outside, the lights of my house seem more and more cheerier. My husband has walked across the street to buy some corn chips to go with the big pot of chili I’m about to serve for supper. I am at peace.

Yesterday was a difficult day as my depression sunk me so low I did not think I could ever pull myself up again. But today. Today, God has been faithful. Faithful to simply show me the goodness around me. The delight of hearing my children laugh and play. The comfort of sitting next to a burning fire. The solid rightness of having my husband come in the house after a long day of work. My soul is comforted. Our advent verse tonight was Psalm 84:11 “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.”  I feel the warmth and life that God provides seeping into my soul. I feel him working as a shield on my behalf as I grapple with heavy questions that weigh me down.

My thoughts and prayers are with those right now who are suffering from depression. I don’t have any easy answers or 1,2,3 steps to getting through depression. I can only give my testimony that God was faithful and stayed with me and he used the people around me to help me. I pray that he will do the same for you.