Tag: exercise

Free House: Finally Finished the Bedroom!!

Today has been one of those amazing days. I woke up early and got up for no reason except that I was awake. Nowhere I had to be immediately. And then, I actually felt like taking a walk. This past year I have not been exercising much at all. But three weeks ago I started a new program that started off with 10 minutes of walking a day for 5 days a week, and each week we’ve added on another 25 minutes a week. So, I took off before anyone else was up and took a lovely walk on a mild sunny fall morning. And then I spent the rest of the day being productive. Which means, that this afternoon when I realized I had no pressing thing to finish, I decided to head next door and see how far I could get in the downstairs bedroom.

This room has been kicking my butt. It was densely packed in and while we have found lots of treasures, it also just had a lot of trash, and it appears to be the place that all the animals decided to poop and pee. So, lots of really smelly things, and so much poop. Today was my third session. But, I did it!

Where I started
Finding dolls in unexpected places is not fun.
Finally done
The side of the room
Anyone familiar with this highschool?
And I would love to know what this is??
Trash of the day

That concludes the downstairs. The kitchen is not completely cleaned out, but I made a deal with my husband that he would do that. So the next step is to start heading upstairs. With the holidays coming up I’m not sure how often I’ll get to work on the project, but I’ll post when I do!

Needing Some Forgiveness for the New Year

It’s Sunday evening and I’m sitting in my living room, fire going, wrapped in a cozy blanket. Kids are reading, and skating, and playing loud instruments. Just another quiet evening at the Heneises. 

We’ve had a wonderful Christmas break. Lots of family time. For the most part everyone has managed to enjoy or at least put up with each other’s company. Apart from a couple days visiting grandparents, we’ve just been home. It has been a nice rest, but I’m ready for us to start back to our normal schedule tomorrow. 

It’s the beginning of the year and this is normally the time that we set goals, make plans, look forward with a hopeful list of all the things we want to accomplish. I couldn’t resist doing the same. I made a realistic exercise and diet plan to start on the first of the year. I followed the plan for day one, and then the next day came down with a really bad cold which wiped me out for the rest of the week. But, this is probably a good thing. I am realizing that I don’t want a “plan” or a “regimen” or anything like that. I want to head into this year making better choices every day. One step at a time. One day at a time. Not a set of rules, but rather a better mindset. 

As I’ve been sick these last several days, I’ve found myself all of a sudden remembering things I don’t want to remember from years ago. Remembering times I was especially selfish or stupid or mean. Remembering times I made really embarrassing mistakes. And I’m sitting here, years later, minding my own business, and all of a sudden I’m in that moment in my memories and my face turns red and I feel deep shame and I wish the earth would just open up and swallow me. Not fun. I was thinking about these horrible memories when we headed to church this morning. And then during the worship service over and over again there was the message of Jesus’ forgiveness and how it changes us and makes us new. We are forgiven. The past is in the past and we are moving forward into this new year, washed clean, filled with the Holy Spirit, following our Jesus  wherever he chooses to lead us.  

Forgiveness seems like a pretty relevant subject when you’re starting a new year. We want this coming year to be wonderful, we want our relationships to be healthy and fulfulling. We want work for our hands that gives us purpose and challenges us. We want to walk into this next year making great choices that will make us healthier and stronger and wiser. But, it’s hard to move into something new without addressing the old. If we want great relationships this year, we may need to go back and apologize for things we’ve done this past year. If we want our work to be purposeful and challenging, we might need to look back at why it wasn’t purposeful and challenging before. If we want to make better choices moving forward, we might need to make an honest assessment of the choices we made in the past that were more harmful than helpful so we can actually see what changes need to be made. And in the midst of all that looking back, we need to not sink into despair. We can ask Jesus to forgive us for the things we have done wrong and then we can move forward, learning from our mistakes and sins, and stepping into the new year with a clean slate. Ready to try again. 

So to all my fellow imperfect human beings, I wish you a Happy New Year. May you learn from the year we just finished, and may you seek and find the forgiveness that washes you clean and may this next year find you wiser and kinder and walking closer with Jesus.  

Fail, Repent, Try Again

At the beginning of the school year, my 8th grade daughter had an assignment where she had to describe each person in her family with one adjective. She was telling me the words she used for each of her siblings and it was really fun. Then she told me that she chose the word “Perseverance” for me. Since I have never thought of that as one of my defining traits, I asked her why. She said it was because I kept starting new diets and new exercise plans. I didn’t give up. I kept trying. 

That flabbergasted me. I would tell you that my inability to stick to a healthy diet and exercise plan is one of my biggest failures in life. But through my daughter’s eyes of grace she saw it as perseverance. Mom never gives up. She keeps trying. 

I see my relationship with diet and exercise kind of like that Greek mythological guy who gets cursed to roll a large boulder up a mountain, and every time he almost reaches the top, the boulder rolls back down and he has to start all over again. I don’t see this as a battle I am ever going to win. But at the same time, I’d rather spend my life pushing the boulder up the mountain, then sitting at the bottom and giving up. So I tell my kids, once again..Ok, nobody offer me chocolate or ice cream or anything that tastes great, cause I’m going off sugar again. Who wants to go walking in the park with me? I’m trying to walk every day…again. And the kids just nod and accept it. They’ve seen it before. 

But apparently, while I thought I was modeling “how to fail repeatedly”, at least one of them saw me modeling Perseverance instead. 

I’ve had quite a few people tell me I should write a book. Maybe about parenting? And that sounds like a horrible idea to me. I’ve sat and thought about it before. What advice would I give newer parents? I can’t come up with much. Love your kids. Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. I feel like my parenting journey has been fully rooted in the verse, “My grace is sufficient for you..” I’ve made silly mistakes and I’ve made mistakes that have caused horrible damage. I have some deep regrets. But, God has been faithful. He has been kind enough to show us what we are doing wrong and given us the opportunity to ask forgiveness and repent and try to turn to a different path. He has been gracious to my children and put other people in their lives who have helped them overcome some of the wounds I have inevitably caused. And somehow he has allowed all of us to walk a path where all of my older children still like talking to me and spending time with me, even when they now have the freedom to choose otherwise. That is God’s favor on our lives. 

I would say that my parenting style has been a constant pattern of fail, repent, try again. I guess I could say our marriage is kind of like that too. In fact.. Maybe this is a pattern for life? Fail, repent, try again? And somehow God works through all of that and instead of calling it failure, he calls it perseverance. And he gives us grace to try again, and somehow takes all the messy debris from all our mistakes, and turns them into good. And while I hope that I will see some victories in this life, the good news is that, unlike the Greek guy who is cursed forever, I know that one day I will be with Jesus and all the battles will be over and I will be fully victorious. And until then, with the grace of God, I will persevere.

While I was Walking in the Park…

This summer was very sedentary for me. So, as I approached the new school year starting up, I thought about what baby steps I could take to get myself moving again. I decided the easiest thing to do would be to drop the kids off at school in the mornings and then go straight to the park that is close to my home, walk a mile, and then go home. Quick, easy. Once walking a mile becomes easy, I can make the walk longer. And once long walks are no longer difficult I can start adding in more exercises. It’s a plan. 

School started last week for us, and the first day of school, I dropped off kids and headed to Dragon Park. That is not its official name, but on the playground it has a large plastic dragon/water serpent type head coming out of the ground that kids can climb on. The first time I took my kids to this park, about twenty years ago now, my kids immediately started calling it the Dragon Park, and the name stuck. 

The park is very pretty. It has a quarter mile walking trail that encircles a large playground with a pavilion, a rock garden, and a large grassy field that has a little squared off section with workout equipment in it. There’s a tree-lined road that runs right next to the park and on the other side of the road is a small baseball field complex and then at the end of the park is a large parking lot and then a community center and beyond that, a YMCA. 

One side of the park has a road running along it, and the other side of the park has a big thicket-like line of trees that hides the presence of a big creek. The creek collects all the runoff water from the city and is very polluted and there are signs warning people away, but the trees and brush effectively hide its presence. 

The first day I started walking I noticed the other people in the park. There was one other lady walking, the opposite direction of me, and we nodded and smiled as we passed each other. In the pavilion an older couple was sitting at one of the picnic tables. They had a couple duffel bags and other small bags surrounding them, and an older dog sitting with them. They looked like homeless people who had found a place to camp out for the day. 

In the rock garden there was a man sitting in a blue patio chair, the metal kind, that rocks. He had a radio on his lap and I could hear some distant voice giving the news for the day. He also had a bag with him and gave the appearance of someone sitting out on their back patio as they enjoyed their morning coffee. Except that he was rocking back and forth so quickly in his chair that all sense of peace was shattered. Probably another homeless person. 

As I passed the little exercise equipment square I saw a younger woman wearing only a bra and some pants. She was sitting on the edge of the square, knees bent, head in her hands. She did not look like she was doing well. I wondered if I should stop and ask if she needed help, but then realized she was holding a phone in her hand and was talking to someone on speakerphone. 

As I kept walking I watched the lady in the bra gather her things and go stand by the road. Waiting for something. I watched another man, no shirt, riding a bike, go up to the man in his patio chair to talk. They seemed to be friends. The older couple with the dog said a friendly hi to me as I passed by and we exchanged greetings. 

Every day that I went back to the park I saw pretty much the same thing. Man rocking in his patio chair. Older couple with their dog, just sitting, always with a friendly greeting. Man on the bike coming to talk to his friend. I didn’t see the lady in the bras any more, but I thought about her. An occasional person also walked the track. 

Then, on Thursday, things had shifted a bit. There was another woman standing at the edge of the rock garden. There was a water spout about waist high that looked like it was supposed to be reserved for Park Services workers. She had managed to turn it on a bit and was washing her legs in the stream. Not very efficiently. More like she was just standing under it, in a daze. The man in the patio chair obviously felt like his space in the rock garden had been invaded and he now had his patio chair under the pavilion. The older couple from the pavilion had set up a tent on one of the play structures and were sitting outside the tent door, on the play structure, looking like they were living their best camping life, dog tucked next to them. 

I made it around one lap and then saw three police cars pull into the parking lot. Six policemen got out and started walking purposefully towards the park. I paused. I’ve been in this neighbohood for a long time and have learned the police have no problem intiating dangerous activities while innocent bystanders are in the area. It’s up to the innocent bystanders to get themselves out of the way. So I paused. Should I leave? Or do I keep walking awkwardly and pretend like I’m not watching them arrest someone? I decided to stay a bit longer and see what happened. 

The policemen walked straight towards the woman under the water faucet and with very little fuss handcuffed her hands behind her back. She offered no resistance and didn’t even seem to be talking. I kept walking. From a distance I watched as they gathered her belongings up into a pile. They were all just standing there talking quietly amongst themselves. The woman also just stood there, hands cuffed, looking like she was not really present in her body. 

What really surprised me was the couple in the tent did not move. Even I know that you can’t set up a tent on a playground, but they seemed unphased by the presence of the police in the park and just continued to lounge outside their tent. 

I kept walking.

Then, as I was going into my last lap, I watched the police uncuff the woman and she slowly wandered away. I watched them go up to the couple in the tent and start lecturing them. The man in the blue patio chair continued to rock under the pavilion. I finished my last lap and headed to my car. 

My husband and I have had several friends experience homelessness and have tried to help them during those times. We have homeless shelters in our city. When we have suggested those to our friends they have had varied reasons for not wanting to go. Couples get separated. They can’t take their pets. They feel unsafe. Constraints on their actions that they don’t feel like complying with. Even if they chose to go to a shelter, it was just for nighttime. During the day they had to figure out where to go. 

I don’t know the answer to homelessness. For myself, I don’t mind homeless people in the park. But, I would have reservations about my young adult daughters exercising there alone. I would not feel comfortable bringing my little kids to play on playground equipment that has tents set up on it. During my twenty years of visiting this park, there has always been someone camped out at the picnic tables under the pavilion, but this is the first time that I have seen people treating the park as if it’s their home. 

I don’t have the answer and so I pray. I pray for hope for the man in the patio chair. For new vision for a future for the older couple. I pray for freedom from addictions and debilitating mental health issues. I pray for wisdom for our city leaders as they try to make our city a good place for all the people who live here. And I pray that I can see people as humans with stories and needs instead of lumping them into a faceless, nameless group called the Homeless. 

The Power of Small Changes

This past week I’ve had something unusual happen. I’ve been waking up in a good mood, feeling happy. As someone who has spent her entire life fighting lowgrade depression which occasionally morphs into full blown deep depression, waking up feeling happy feels strange. It’s not that I normally wake up in a bad mood. It’s just usually very neutral. Yes, I’m awake. New day. Better get moving. 

I find myself kind of poking this happiness. What are you doing here? Isn’t there something that I should be worried about or feeling upset about? I find myself examining every aspect of my life. Am I being a good mom, wife, friend? Am I using my time well? And while everything can always improve, I feel like everything is moving in the right direction. Huh.  

Is happiness simply the lack of conflict and problems? I hope not, otherwise, I can count on this disappearing pretty quickly. Life has a way of throwing stuff at you at a pretty regular pace. 

But, I don’t think that’s what it is. I think that I am finally seeing the fruit of a lot of small decisions and disciplines I’ve been slowly implementing. I think allowing myself a good six months to just sit with my grief when my foster daughter left was the beginning. Then tackingly my health with diet and exercise and working on getting back into music. All individual choices that have required daily discipline, but I am starting to see fruit, and easing of depression seems to be one of those good benefits. 

I was thinking about this same concept in the realm of parenting. I have concerns for some of my kids. Things I want to see changed. Things that worry me. And this morning as I sat at the breakfast table, my youngest sitting in my lap having a cuddle before school, I thought, this is how change happens. One day at a time. Me consistently loving them, pouring into them, providing a peaceful home where their needs are met. Correcting unwanted behavior as it happens. 

Sometimes when I am dwelling on things that are going wrong with my kids, I want something big and drastic that I can implement that will solve all the problems and fix it immediately. But that is rarely what works. Instead it is small changes, small choices, daily disciplines. 

For example, my son was having a really negative attitude about school starting up again. Everything he said was negative. His attitude was horrible and he was angry and in a bad mood constantly. After checking out the facts and realizing that the only real problem he was having was that he didn’t want to stop summer break where he could play all day and resented having to do actual work every day, I wanted his attitude to change immediately. I wanted this negativity to stop. I lectured him quite a bit. Surely if he just faced the facts, he would accept it and move on. Nope. No change. I finally implemented a “GOOD ATTITUDE” chart. Every day after school he had to tell me three good things that happened that day. And then he could tell me one thing that was challenging. Each day he could get a sticker for doing that, and every week that he filled his chart with stickers, he would get a dollar. 

The first day was comical in how hard it was for him to tell me three good things. It took him all afternoon and it was like he was fighting a lot of inner demons to be able to get the words out his mouth. (He really wanted the dollar, so he persevered.) The next day was a little easier.  By the end of the week he was getting in the car after school ready to tell me his three good things right away. By the end of the second week he had already forgotten about the chart. The negativity had ended and each day he was able to casually mention good things that happened during the day. And his mood had vastly improved. One small discipline, implemented daily. Long term results. 

I think it’s tied up with faith and hope. I have faith that God’s word is true, and I have hope that if I follow God’s precepts, I will see fruit which will come at the right and proper time. And for that, I am thankful. 

Comments on “The Good Place”

I find it really interesting when pop culture lines up with a Biblical worldview. I just started watching the show “The Good Place” on Netflix. I’ve only seen two episodes. (Because I decided that this show was going to be my exercise show that I would only watch when I go on my elliptical. So far I’ve seen two episodes. 🙂 But, I’m planning on being a lot more consistent now!) Ok, lots of spoiler alerts. I’m about to talk indepth about those two episodes… 

The premise of the show is that when people die they either go to the “good place” or the “bad place”. We don’t get any details about the bad place except that we hear a short sound bite of people screaming in agony. The good place on the other hand is a paradise with everyone getting a home that suits their personality and likes and dislikes, and everyone gets introduced to their soul mate so they can have harmonious romance for the rest of eternity. The way you get into the good place is to have all your good deeds and bad deeds measured. (This brings to mind all kinds of world religions.) If you’ve done enough good things and are a morally good person, then you get to be in the good place. Only problem is, due to some kind of clerical error, a bad person is accidentally allowed in. Someone who shares the same name as a morally good person, but they brought the wrong one. Her presence immediately causes things to start going wrong. She is desperate to stay and trys to get the help of her supposed soulmate to help her learn how to be a good person so she can stay. 

Up front, none of this lines up with a Biblical worldview. But you start digging a little deeper and suddenly it does. First of all, the people who are morally good, are actually not all that great. Some are very condescending, back biting, two faced. Romans 3 talks about how everyone is a sinner. Everyone. “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 3:23. 

Second, the bad person seems pretty helpless in her efforts to turn herself into a good person. Ephesians 2:1 says, “As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins…”  Dead means you do not have the power to fix the problem. The lady in the show tries to make better choices, but it is a very surface change. 

Now, I have no idea how the show is going to progress. I imagine they will have her go through a character change where she will eventually, by sheer willpower, turn herself into a morally good person. And maybe some people do manage to do that. Change their actions. But there are two problems with that. First, if you do morally good things, but your heart is still full of anger, bad motives, pride, etc, are you actually a good person? Second, what about all the things that you did in your past? Do they just slowly cancel out, one by one? Each good thing you do knocks one bad thing off your record? 

It sounds like a very stressful way to live. Every day wondering if you’ve done enough good things to make it. The truth is that every single one of us are sinners. Even the most holy people or morally good people you can think of. God is Holy and his standard is perfection. The show, without even realizing it,  gives a nod to God and his goodness. Where does morality come from? How do we determine what is good and what is bad? It’s pretty apparent that the show has decided to follow a Biblical definition of good as it defines good deeds in the terms of helping others and being self-sacrificing. The Bible actually spells out a much more detailed version of what Good is. God gave the law to Moses and it was a very detailed list of how to live. Follow the law, you are good. Don’t follow the law, you are bad. Romans 3:20 explains the purpose of the law.

“Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin.”

Another words, the law didn’t really turn people into Good People. It just acted as a mirror to show people just how bad they were. 

It all sounds rather depressing. We’re all sinners. The law just shows us how badly we mess up. Even if we start acting perfect from here on out, we still have all our past sins to deal with. So what do we do? 

Enter Jesus. Jesus was perfect, never sinned. He was the Son of God. He came and paid the price for all our sins by dying on the cross. All those past sins we’ve committed, now covered, taken care of. When we repent of our sins and put our faith in Jesus, believe he is who says he is, believe he died on the cross for us, we become new people. Our sins are now forgiven and we are covered in Jesus’ goodness. He changes our heart and makes us like him. When we die, we go to heaven, the BEST place, where he has prepared a place for us, and we are there, not on the strength of our own goodness but because of God’s goodness. His forgiveness, his mercy, his grace. 

I imagine the tv show I’m watching will eventually get on my nerves as they try to solve their multitude of problems in their own strength. It seems like a great show to get hijacked by the Gospel. Can you see the story play out with all the crazy machinations of people trying to be good in their own strength, and then in the end, Jesus walks in and says, hey there’s a better way. Come to me, Rest. Let me change your heart, not just your actions. 

I’d love to see that on Netflix!

It’s January, Uggh.

Every year, somewhere around October I kind of give up. Ok. I’m not going to accomplish these goals this year. Time to just wait till January and then we’ll have a fresh start, “New Year, New Me!” I’ll start exercising again in January. I’ll work on our family eating habits in January. I’ll start thinking about new goals and projects in January. 

Now part of that is just practical. The holidays start revving up in November and it’s a lot of work to uphold all the traditions and make sure everything happens that we want to happen. On top of that, this last year our entire fall was devoted to working on transitioning our foster daughter back home and then she left a week into December. So it was definitely not the time to be trying to introduce more vegetables to the kids or start a new exercise regime. January was the first month when everything was going to settle down and get into a new normal routine. 

Every year I hit January with this weight of expectations of all the miraculous things I’m going to start doing, starting now. And every January I get frozen into immobility. Cause it’s the same me in January that was hanging around eating desserts in December. Somehow, I didn’t magically change into this new person as soon as the calendar flipped to the new year. If I want to change things about myself, acquire more discipline in some areas, acquire better habits etc, it means I’m going to have to kill off the old Me. It’s going to be painful. It’s going to mean doing things I don’t particularly like or enjoy with the hope that one day I will like and enjoy it. I have great memories of enjoying going for a run. But the current me does not think that sounds fun at all. 

And so I sit here and I think, it’s time to go take a walk. Uggh. You need to make yourself some vegetables for lunch. Uggh. You need to start doing some organizing cleaning in your house. Uggh. You need to seriously start working on this new project. Uggh. 

I don’t want to. 

And now comes the really hard part of January. Making yourself do things you don’t want to do because you know it’s good for you. 

I’m going to be realistic. It’s not all going to happen today. But maybe I can make at least one good choice today. Do at least one hard thing today. Give this ball a push and slowly get it moving. 

Yeah, the beginning of January is about facing reality, this is who I am and if I want change I’m going to have to be uncomfortable for a while. But it’s also a time of hope. Maybe I can do hard things after all. I’m going to at least try.

Fat Fridays: NonDepressed Me Doesn’t Understand Depressed Me

Happy Fat Friday everyone. I’ve been gone a bit. Almost didn’t write today, but it’s stll Friday, I’ve still got a chance at this! 

This past month my exercise has diminished down to a brisk walk when it’s not too cold outside. I finally canceled my membership with the KICKOFF app that monitors your diet, gives you daily workouts and checks in with you every day. I canceled because I was no longer using the services and it’s too much money to just let it keep going when I’m not using it. I actually felt better when I canceled though. I know what I want to focus on with exercise and I feel like I can do it just using free resources. I also know that I need a different eating plan than what I was doing, so I’m still trying to figure out that one. 

What I wanted to write about today was the fact that Non-depressed Me has no understanding of Depressed Me. This past year as I was exercising and eating healthy, and the weight was coming off, and I was feeling great, I had these niggling memories. Memories of times in the past when I would lose weight, do well, and then somehow, it all came creeping back on. And I was always a little disappointed with that Old Esther who failed her diet and exercise plans so often. What was wrong with me? Why would I exchange this wonderful feeling of health and accomplishment for one of gluttany and sloth? I really had no idea why I had failed so often in the past. But I knew that, THIS TIME, I would accomplish my goals and stay on the path. 

And then Depressed Me showed up. And it was like someone took a big plank of wood and smacked me upside the head. And when I came to, Non-Depressed Me was gone, Depressed Me had taken up residence and I had the “AH HA!” moment when I remembered, very clearly, why I had failed so many times in the past. Depression. 

It sucks the life out of you. My emotions feel flat. My ambition is gone. Nothing is enjoyable. 

I am a bookworm, I have probably read close to a book a day since I was eight years old. This past month I have read one book. And it was one I’d read a million times before and I picked it because it had a happy ending with low-levels of crisis. I find myself zoning out with solitaire and flipping through Facebook and wishing I could find a book I actually wanted to read. I am still taking walks, but only when the weather gets at least into the 40s (F). We are having a cold winter (for us) and it’s no fun. 

These past couple days I have felt marginally better. I started writing my blog again. I’ve been sitting down at the piano, playing Bach. Angry Bach. Agitated Bach. But at least it’s been a good outlet for whatever is going on inside me. I’ve still managed to stay focused on getting the family to eat healthier. I have been baking our bread, about every two or three days, and that has been satisfying. Every week this month I have sat down and found new recipes for the week, made a menu, made a grocery list and tried to stick to it. It’s been cost effective and I’ve been making the kids eat new things which has made meal times more interesting for me, perhaps a little more stressful for them, but they’ve been doing pretty good with it. 

I also gave up paper plates. I’ve been using paper plates for my kids for several years. It meant that I only had to wash dishes once a day. Now I have to wash dishes two or three times a day, so I don’t know if I am actually saving anything, but it has been nice to have everyone eating off of pretty plates and my home has felt more homey. So, it’s not all negative. And I’m starting to try to have patience and compassion for Depressed-Me. Get to know this person again. See what diet and weight loss are going to look like while this alterego is hanging around. I’ll let you know how this goes. 

Moving Forward

Happy New Year everyone. I hope it’s going well for you so far. 

I have been fighting a lot of stress and some depression as I’ve moved forward into January. Lots of reasons. 

First of all, let’s just acknowledge the parents/caregivers who take the lead in making Christmas and holidays happen. Kids really are oblivious to the amount of behind-the-scenes work it takes to make a holiday feel special. By the time New Years came and went, I was pretty wiped out. It was a great holiday season: cozy, fun, special. But it took a lot of energy. And after every high, there is usually a low. 

Second, we have a court date set for February concerning our foster daughter. Some things have changed and so this upcoming court date is churning up a lot of stress in my life. A lot. 

And lastly, I am finding it hard to get excited about this new year we are in. My goals have diminished down to “Let’s just survive.” Ok, that’s not exactly true. I have set some new exercise and weight loss goals, and they feel achievable. I am really focusing on getting my whole family into a healthier eating lifestyle. But aside from that, I feel like I am playing defense. Let’s just handle each challenge/catastrophe as it comes. 

Recognizing that I’m in a place of stress, I’ve been working a lot on making my home a cozy, relaxing place to be. I bought some more candles, acquired a new plant, made a new centerpiece on my dining room table. Got most of the Christmas stuff put away, but kept a couple things out like some angel figurines on my mantel. I’ve tried to make my world a little smaller. Keep my focus simply on family and housework. Try to get my mind out of the future and just be in today. (I’m not doing real well with that one, so far, but I’m trying.)

Through it all, I have felt God’s presence with me in a new way I’ve never felt before. Where my thoughts used to wander to anything and everything, I find my thoughts moving back to Jesus over and over again. It feels like grace sitting heavily on me. And while my mind has always equated grace with happy peace and rest, lack of troubles; it’s an interesting experience to be in the midst of troubles and stress and still have peace. I wouldn’t call it happy peace though. It’s more solemn. And more solid. And I am clinging hard to it and moving forward into this new year, one day at a time. 

Fat Fridays: Looking Back, Looking Forward

Well, here we are, the last day of the year. The typical time that we reflect on the past and get excited about the future. 

Looking back I feel like I had a lot of good accomplishments. I started off the year a size 22 and now I am a size 16. I started off the year getting out of breath walking up stairs and I ended the year running a 5k. I started off the year with no exercise habits and ended the year with a desire to get myself moving every day. It is now a rare week that I don’t get in six workouts. I have plans to go running tomorrow and that is something I am looking forward to. 

This past year I changed my diet significantly and managed to move my A1C down out of the range where I needed to be on medicine and was able to quit taking metformin. I am not as happy with my diet though. I did not find a diet that was easy to share with my family and that was satisfying enough that I wanted to stick to it. I kind of abandoned my diet over the holidays and now I am needing to start all over again in this area. 

In all, a lot of good things happened this year. 

I am looking forward to next year. I’ve set some new goals. 

For exercise I’ve told my trainer that I want to focus on running and weight training. I plan to sign up for a 5k every two or three months so I have something that I’m working towards. I would like to get a lot faster. My end of the year goal is to run a 5k in 30 minutes. This December I ran one in 37 minutes. I don’t know if I’ll make my goal or not, but we’ll see how close I get. 

For weight loss I am hoping to get down to a size 14 by the beginning of summer and a size 12 by next Thanksgiving. In high school, at my skinniest and fittest I was a size 10. I don’t anticipate ever getting my high school body back. I’ve given birth 10 times and nursed 10 babies. Some things will never be the same and that’s ok. So, we’ll see how it goes. I’ve decided to not attach my goals to a number on the scale. I don’t really care what number it says as long as I’m fitting into smaller clothing. I’ll probably end up weighing myself just out of curiosity, but I don’t want to be focused on reaching a certain number. 

As far as diet is concerned I’m feeling a lot more motivated to drag my family along on my health journey. Poor family. 🙂  I want to focus on whole grains, lots of fruits and veggies, lean meats, and as little processed food as possible. I think it will be easier for me if we are all eating the same things. We’ll see how that goes. 

I am hopeful about this coming year. Not really hopeful that it’s going to be a peaceful, easy year. But, hopeful that I will be able to cling to a healthy diet and exercise as a much-needed tool in my survival skills toolbelt so I can handle whatever the next year throws at me. 

Happy New Year Everyone!