Tag: faith

“Almost Not Afraid at All”

I’ve been reading the “Tuyo” book series by Rachel Neumeier. It’s a fantasy series that takes place in a world where each region is separated dramatically from the next, with each region having its own extremely different weather, sky, peoples, customs, etc. I probably enjoy these books so much because they are very cross-cultural, as the people in these regions rarely interact, but the main characters are forced to leave their home regions and live among and befriend people who are completely different from them. 

One of my favorite characters is Tano who is rescued from a very abusive family/tribe situation. He is brought into a new tribe where he is treated well for the first time in his life and he slowly learns the things he needs to know to be a part of this new people. He struggles with a lot of fear and lack of trust, but he’s determined to overcome in these areas so he keeps pushing himself to do things that he logically knows are good for him, even though, physically and emotionally it terrifies him to try it. As he grows in these areas, and his fear lessons, he uses a line quite a lot, “I was almost not afraid at all.” 

I like that. I think that sums up how I live a lot of my life. Growing up cross-culturaly, I always struggled with not fitting in and the fear that evoked. I never quite knew all the customs and ways of doing things. I mostly got it, but there was always something that would make me take a misstep, draw attention to my ignorance, which generally drew mockery. I learned to get really good at observing people carefully and taking my cues from them. Every new situation felt fraught with danger. I don’t know where I’m supposed to go. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. I remember in 8th grade we had been living in Haiti and due to the major upheaval and violence happening in the country, we had to leave and come back to the States. I came into middle school four months into the school year. At lunch everyone got in line to get their food. My mom offered to give me lunch money, but the idea of having to figure out where to line up, how to pay for my food, how to figure out the whole system, was too overwhelming for me, too many opportunities to mess up and draw negative attention. I just skipped lunch the rest of the school year and then ate a big snack when I got home from school every day. 

As I got older I was able to recognize that a lot of these fears were unreasonable. So, I would make myself do things that felt scary, but logically I knew I should/could do them. Fake it till you make it. I got good at walking into situations and being upfront about my ignorance. Hey, I’ve never done this before, could you show me how this works? I have also learned how to over-prepare in order to cancel out some of the fear. I’ll look at maps ahead of time so I know exactly where I will park, and exactly how long it will take me. Maybe I’ll write down notes on questions I need to ask, information I need to remember to get. Possibly I’ll talk through the whole scenario ahead of time with my husband, ok, so I’m going to do this first, and then this, and then this…does that sound right? I’ve learned to just do the things that make me afraid because the fear is unreasonable and things need to get done. 

This week I had a job interview. I can’t remember the last time that happened. All the things I’ve done on the side to make some money over the years have been initiated informally, by someone I know or a friend of a friend. So, extremely new experience. It was at a location I’d never been to with people I’d never met. (It’s a part time position, teaching a one-hour children’s music class once a week.) 

Ahead of time, I was expecting that I was going to be nervous. I was anticipating being nervous. I was ready to be nervous. But, a couple hours beforehand, I thought about it and realized that I was actually excited. Not nervous. I was curious and actually looking forward to meeting these new people and discussing the class. Yes, my heart was pounding a bit, and I took a couple deep breaths before I got out of my car, but practically nothing! 

The interview went fine. I’ll find out next week whether they want me or not. But, getting the position almost feels irrelevant. I feel like it was a big win to do something new where I wasn’t scared and actually enjoyed myself. I did something new, and “I was almost not afraid at all!”

1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

My journey to overcoming fear is directly linked to my understanding of how much I am loved by God. The better my understanding, the less fear I have. I look forward to a day when I will not be afraid at all. Until then, I’m pretty excited about “Almost not afraid at all.”

Still Haven’t Arrived

I’m going to be honest. Writing this blog is a little nerve-wracking. I haven’t written in a while and I feel like I’ve forgotten how to do it. I think about communicating with the world and what I want to say. What I want to share is the mystery and comfort and wonder of laying in my bed in the middle of the night, wide awake, talking to the Creator of the Universe. The mix of holy fear and awe, and child’s need for a parent, and longing for grace and mercy that motivate my prayers. 

I want to share with you my confusion and anger and bewilderment as I struggle to comprehend and respond to the events going on in our world. I want to tell you about my daily walk with grace as I navigate marriage and parenting. I want to share about God’s faithfulness to not leave me stuck in my sin, in my pain, in my unforgiveness towards others and myself. I want to tell you about all of God’s gifts to me as he has swung open doors and opportunities to be involved in work that I’m passionate about. 

This past year I have done a lot of deep thinking about faith and how I practice that faith. I’ve done a lot of deep thinking about politics and what it means to practice my faith as an American. I’ve thought a lot about how to deal with the past, forgiving hurts, but also trying to figure out how to unlearn the lies that came with those hurts. 

I turned forty-seven this past year. There is something about that number that made me feel like I should have arrived by now. By now I should have this Adulting thing down pat. By now I should be strong, confident, and perfect. By now I should have my crap together. 

And I don’t. 

Which is maybe the breaking of that final myth in my mind, that grownups know what they are doing. In this sense, we all remain children. Still learning, sure that the people older than us must know everything, and we just haven’t arrived yet. And apparently, we never arrive. At least not here in this life on earth. 

I still have questions about faith and how to live it out. I very much don’t know what to do about the state of the world or my country. I still don’t know how to stand for justice. I still struggle with wrong thinking about myself and others. I still struggle. 

Which might be discouraging to young people who are heading out into the world, sure that soon, they’ll have it all figured out. But, maybe it’s encouraging for others my age and older to know they aren’t alone in constantly being surprised at their own lack and shortcomings as they face the daily challenges. 

What I have learned in my forty-seven years of living is that Jesus is faithful. He is gentle. He is kind. He is compassionate. And he is always with me. I am not alone. I am not disdained. I am not scorned. And as I run into each problem and crisis and puzzle, I don’t have to feel the desperate fear of wondering if I’ll make it through this. I already know that I will, because Jesus is helping me. Not removing all the struggles from my path, just holding my hand, pulling me forward, teaching me what I need to learn as I go. 

That is my great comfort and peace that sustains me and gives me joy. And that is what I want to share with you in my blog. 

Blog Refresh

I’ve been writing this blog for quite a while now, but this past year I pulled back a lot on the personal blogs and have mostly just written about our free house. It was a needed break, and felt like something God-lead. Now I am feeling like it might be time to start writing again. A lot of things have changed since I first started this blog in 2018 and now I feel like I need to do a re-introduction. So here goes.

I am a missionary kid. I grew up in Eastern Kentucky, Haiti and bush Alaska. My husband is also a missionary kid who grew up in Nicaragua. When we first got married we spent some time in Alaska and Chile and then settled down in East Tennessee. We have ten kids. (And one daughter-in-law!) Four of our kids are adults and have left home and I am proud of them, and miss them a lot. I’ve got six kids left at home ranging from age nine to eighteen. Though we have homeschooled in the past, my kids are now all in school. I teach piano lessons and help teach choir at my younger children’s school. And then I keep the house running for eight people. 

I love reading. I am the quintessential bookworm, have been since I was in second grade. My husband also loves reading and we’ve managed to pass this down to most of our children. A cozy evening at our house often looks like a bunch of people sitting around on couches reading books. 

This past year our family was gifted the house next door. Turned out it was a hoarder house, so now we have slowly been cleaning it out. My husband works in the construction industry, so this is right up his alley. We look forward to eventually restoring the house and making it usable again, and posting updates about that project on this blog has been motivating for me. 

If you want to know the foundation blocks of who I am, I would say, I was a broken, lost person who has been rescued by Jesus. Every moment of my life has been an example of his grace and mercy. He has saved me from my desperate places, and has slowly but surely been leading me down a path that leads to life and wholeness and joy. There’s been a lot of bumps, holes, rocky places, dangerous cliffs etc, but I can say confidently, that Jesus’ hand has been on my life since I was conceived and he has held me fast and brought me through, and continues to bring me through every challenge, pain and danger that life has thrown at me. 

Walking with Jesus does not mean that you live a charmed life with minimal challenges. It rather means you live a victorious life as you have God himself walking with you through each hardship that comes your way. I have my own grocery list of challenges I deal with regularly. Anxiety and depression. Fear. Self-righteousness. Self-centeredness. Fear of rejection. I can look back and see how I have improved greatly in all these areas, but every once in a while one or more of these will make themselves center-stage in my life again and I have to put into practice the things I’ve already learned and also learn more about how to overcome in these areas. 

This blog is an invitation for you to come walk with me through everyday life and see up-close and personal what walking with Jesus looks like. The good, the bad, and the ugly. 

I look forward to connecting with you all again!

Extravagant Love

A couple weeks ago a friend of ours passed away. He is someone my husband and I have known since we first got married. He was in his 40s and died of cancer.

Over the years we met his mother, his ex-wife, and two of his brothers. Today, none of them are still living. He came from a background of extreme poverty, prostitution, drug addiction, homelessness, and petty crime. And in the middle of all that, he found Jesus. Got saved. Got baptized. Got into a church community.

We did life with him for a period of time and it was rough.

Some people have miraculous testimonies of how God freed them from addiction, turned their lives completely around, and they moved forward a completely different person.

Other people struggle their entire lives to overcome. Overcome addiction. Overcome abuse. Overcome the physical harm that comes with drugs and living a life of desperation.

When we were in the trenches with our friend, suffering some of those things you suffer when you are close to someone with an addiction, I remember crying out to God about the whole situation. “What are you doing God?” And he answered me very clearly. So clearly that I can still remember where I was, in my car, on the interstate, when he answered me. “I am showering him with extravagant love.”

Grace. Mercy. Compassion. Our thoughts are not God’s thoughts. How many times should I forgive my brother? Seven? No, seventy times seven.

How much does God love? When does he throw in the towel and say, Ok, you’ve screwed up one time too many, I’m done with you? He doesn’t. His love never fails. HIs love is extravagant, beyond measure.

Our friend passed away. He never hit that golden moment where society would say, ok, you’ve overcome completely so we will now call you worthy. His life was a struggle. But, he believed. No matter how small that faith looked, he believed. And he was loved by a God who gives generously, extravagantly. And I am pretty excited about the fact that he is now with Jesus and been completely healed and made whole. One day I will see him again and we will rejoice together at the extravagant, generous, abundant love of God.

O Taste and See

Today is one of those days when all the colors are brighter. The grass is greener, the sky is more blue, the wind seems sweeter. Everything is beautiful. 

I had to take my son to a doctor’s appointment first thing this morning. Then I had to come up with a menu and go grocery shopping. And then unload the car. And put everything away. And make sure everyone had food to eat. And chores got done. And had to order a new latch for the lid of my washing machine so it would start working again. And on and on, etc, etc. But, in between all the mundane tasks, I keep looking up and seeing trees covered in rustling green clothes, swaying in the wind. The bird singing extra loud. The clouds exceptionally white and fluffy. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Psalm 34:8

One of my boys went on a playdate this afternoon and the other one was feeling lonely so he asked if we could walk down to the park close to our house. I said sure and packed a little bag with a water bottle and a book to read, thinking I’d sit back and enjoy that while he played on the playground. But when we got there he was the only child there and it was obvious he wanted my attention. So I put the book away and made an effort to be present with him. We quickly abandoned the playground and went and walked around the man-made pond in the center of the park. There were geese and ducks and we spent a lot of time watching them and meandering around the pond. The park is not fancy, and the pond’s water is a bit scary, not something you would want to fall into. But, today the park was beautiful. And I cherished the time with my son. 

Days like today are gifts. Days where you can see. You can see how breath-taking this world is that we live in. You can see how precious the people around you are. You can see what a miracle and blessing our everyday lives are. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Psalm 34:8

There are so many worries and stresses in our lives. It is overwhelming. Tomorrow I will go back to worrying about all the minutiae of my life, the burdens my city bears, the fears and tragedies of the nations. Those haven’t gone away. And there is a time and a place to throw everything we have at those problems facing our world.  But right now, I just want to stay in this moment, where the world is a masterpiece, my children are the most wondrous of jewels, and I know that God is here, I can feel his presence in the breeze blowing across my face. And it’s that joy and peace that I need, so I can take them into tomorrow where all the troubles wait for me, and I can face them from a place of goodness. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Psalm 34:8

Where is the American Church?

My daughter is an Americorp volunteer. She just received news today that her program is shut down. Effective immediately. This week I heard that the CASA/GAL program is losing their funding. These are programs that help children in foster care who have suffered abuse or neglect. Another news item said that the suicide hotline for LGBTQ youth will be shut down. Federal funding that sent food to local food banks has disappeared. Programs that help poor people pay for housing and help the homeless get housing have had their funds reduced. 

This is all part of Making America Great Again. 

I read an article this past summer where some Christian Nationalist groups were interviewed and one man said it was not the business of the government to be doing charitable work, it was the work of the church, and if Trump got in power things would be fixed. 

So, if the government is not supposed to be involved in helping the poor, the needy, the sick, the homeless, and certainly not the strangers and aliens in our country, then, where is the American church? 

I’m not talking about the churches who are already working with the poor and the needy and the sick and the homeless. They’re already doing their job and are maxed out to what they can do. Where is the rest of the American church? All of these government funding cuts are affecting real people in real time. Right now there are people suffering hardship because of these funding cuts. So, what’s the plan? Who’s going to take over caring for these needs? 

The Bible is pretty radical in what it says about helping others in need. Here’s a tiny tiny sample: 

Luke 3:11  “John answered, “Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same.”


Proverbs 31:8-9 “Open your mouth for the voiceless, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” 

Mathew 25:37-40 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Jesus desires humilty, grace, love, compassion. His followers seek the good of their neigbhors. We change the world by loving one person at a time. 

Where is the promised revolution where the American church will take care of charity so the government can turn its focus to whatever it’s thinking is more important? 

I am not worried about my daughter losing her funding for the work that she is doing. She is determined to serve and she will find a way to do so. But people like my daughter are kind of rare. And they can’t take care of everyone. I am waiting to hear about the flood of sermons preached in the Maga churches where the pastors will exhort their congregation to go out and get their hands dirty and help the needy in their immediate communities. Hey, guess what, the local food pantry is no longer being funded, let’s step up and fund them as a church. Hey, the program that helps homeless people achieve stability and housing just lost their funding. Send around the offering plate, let’s fund it. Hey, the foster care system is overflowing and they need foster parents, and lawyers, and volunteer workers, and open homes, and counselors, and doctors, and teachers and a whole other giant list of things, let’s make it happen. 

If I see the American church doing this on a large scale, and if this becomes our definition of Making America Great, then maybe there will be hope for us. 

And I pray, Lord have Mercy on Me, I have not done enough to help those in need. Lord have mercy on the American church, let us step up and obey your word. Lord have mercy on the downtrodden, the desperate, the needy. Change our hearts, soften our hearts, give us your compassion and love for those around us. Give us your eyes to see the value and beauty in the homeless person we drive by on our way to work. Break through our pride and apathy. Help us to lift our eyes up from our entertainment and see the suffering world around us. Give us vision and strategy to help our communities. Lord have mercy.

Theater of the Absurd

When I was a senior in high school I was in Mr. Koon’s honors English class at Bethel Regional High School, in Bethel, Alaska. It was a top-notch class. I have not seen any of my children have to do the amount of work that we did in that class in their own high school and even community college English classes. For our final project we chose an author and did an in-depth study of them and their works. I think in the end, I wrote close to 30 pages total on my author. I chose Eugene Ionesco, a playwright who was part of the Theater of the Absurd, and explored the ideas of existentialism. 

I focused on his play “Rhinoceros”. This play takes place in France and was a commentary on the rise of fascism before and during World War 2. In the play, which takes place in a small French town, the people of the town start turning into rhinos. At first there is some alarm and the townspeople turn to a logician to get explanations of what is happening. But as more and more people turn into rhinos, (including the logician) the townspeople start viewing it as a good thing, and they too, quickly turn into rhinos. At the end, the main character, the last person, finds himself oddly attracted to the rhinos, but stubbornly determined to continue fighting against them. 

The theater of the absurd focuses on the idea that life is absurd and thus meaningless and you have to create your own meaning in life. This falls in line with the idea that there is no absolute truth and everyone has to create “their own truth”. (That might be true for you, but it isn’t true for me!)

I would say that the time period that we are living in now is a manifestation of these ideas. Have you noticed that truth no longer exists in our public spaces? Let’s look at a concrete example. Trump’s meeting with Zelensky. It was televised so all the world could see it. Now, look at the commentary on this meeting. People and news agencies and commentators who support Trump explained what this meeting meant and why it went the way that it did. People and news agencies and commentators who do not support Trump also explained what this meeting meant and why it went the way it did. And I can tell you that those two sets of commentary are polar opposite. Like one person saying the sun is shining and the other person saying, no that is the moon. 

We are living in a time when “truth” has become so obscure, we no longer believe it exists. Everything is up for interpretation. And I believe that this mindset feeds into the idea that life is meaningless. 

As a person who has decided to not participate in either side of the political spectrum, I am finding my daily wade into social media and the news an exercise in absurdity and frustration, almost like watching my fellow citizens turn into rhinos right in front of my eyes. And in the end, it feels like truth doesn’t exist, there is no way to know who is right and wrong, so I just need to find my own things to focus on. Ie. I should just go create my own meaning for life, invent my own truth. 

I believe it is absolutely imperative in these times that we hold fast to that which we know is true. 

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31-32

What did Jesus teach? Love God, love your neighbors. When Jesus was on earth, his followers wanted to crown him and turn his mission into a political one. Jesus refused. He was establishing a different kind of kingdom. One that starts in people’s hearts and then naturally affects the world around them as they start living out what Jesus taught. Jesus said, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33. 

We are so worried about the state of our country. And the solutions that are offered to us are so polar opposite to each other, they negate each other. What do we do about it? Seek after God, do his will. Pray for wisdom. I encourage everyone to run all the “truths” that come your way through this filter. Does this fall in line with loving God? Does this fall in line with loving my neighbor? 

Life is not meaningless. Absolute truth exists. Jesus said, I am the way and the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me. As the concept of truth continues to disintegrate around us, I cling to this. 

What do we do when we emphatically disagree?

Over the last weeks as a new administration has taken over the government, I have been struggling to write. 

In a country where half the population wanted our current President and half the population did not, it’s really difficult to find a middle line that is not offensive to someone. And as I see the lack of unity, the extreme division in all areas of our society, I don’t want to add fuel to the fire. 

As a Christian it is even more imperative that I do not sow division. Jesus does not categorize us into all the boxes that we like so much, Protestant, Catholic, Orthodox, Nondenominational. To him, we are simply his church, his bride. All the denominations. All the flavors. When I am upset at people in the church holding onto political stances that I strongly disagree with, I think of Romans 14:4:

Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.

So, what do we do when we emphatically disagree with the people around us? 

I know that I have had to give myself some time to cool down. And social media does not help with that. I’ve had to go through and snooze some people on my Facebook feed. Not because I don’t like them or that I’m opposed to seeing things from a perspective that I don’t agree with, but because I have not been in an emotional headspace to handle a different perspective. 

It’s hard to be calm and be at peace with others when your emotions are riled up. 

And maybe that’s what we all need right now. Everybody step back and take a deep breath. 

I’m also having to take time to put faces and stories to the opposite perspective. Instead of making blanket statements like, if you all disagree with this then you must be a bunch of idiots, maybe stop and think. Hmm. My friend Betty supports this other idea. She supports it because she is worried about x,y, and z, and the people that she trusts have told her that this is the answer to those problems that she is worried about. 

The next step is being able to have conversations with people who think differently. Calm conversations. Conversations where both sides show respect to each other and don’t belittle each other’s comments. 

I had a rather charged conversation with my son, who happens to think differently than me, and it got a bit too emotional. But we were able to stop. Reaffirm our respect for each other and our willingness to listen, and were able to proceed to have a good conversation where I was able to see his perspective and maybe he saw some of mine. 

It is hard to not see the political state of our country as the “main thing”. Surely this is the “main thing” I should be thinking about, studying about, worrying about, talking about. It does, after all, feel like a historical event, as things progress in ways they never have before. With half celebrating and half mourning. It’s really hard to not make this the “main thing”. 

But, if you are a follower of Jesus, it is not the main thing. Jesus was asked, what is the most important commandment,

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’Matthew 22:37-39

I am challenging myself and anyone reading this to really focus on keeping this the main thing. Think about the words you say when you talk about politics. Are they in line with loving God with all your heart and loving your neighbor as yourself?  Perhaps there is righteous anger rushing through your veins. Perhaps you feel that other people’s political stances are causing them to walk away from the teachings of Jesus. It is possible to chastise someone without disrespecting them. It is possible to remind others that we are called to love all people, and it’s possible to do it in a way that instead of feeling stung and guilty, they feel convicted and moved to change. In order to do that, we usually have to remove our own anger first and be motivated by love, not vindictiveness. 

So, that’s what I’m working on these days.

God Actually Loves Your Enemy

Yesterday I was reading the book “Chosen A Study of Esther” by Donna Snow and I have to admit, the author managed to really surprise me. We had just covered the section in Esther where Haman, the guy who is determined to commit genocide against the Jews, gets caught out and is about to receive just punishment. Then Ms Snow had us look up verses like Ezekiel 33:11

Say to them, ‘As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die, people of Israel?’

And 2 Peter 3:9

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

And Luke 15:7

I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

I can tell you honestly, that in all my years of reading the book of Esther, I have never stopped to think about God’s view of the wicked. His desire that the wicked would turn away from their evil and come to him. His longing for them to come to repentance. I think I’ve always just lived in that simplistic place where I presume someone is bad, deserving of punishment, and I just need to wait for God to hit the “smite” button. 

If you think too hard about it, then you might remember that verse in Romans 3:23,

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. 

And then realize that there is no difference between me and the most sinful person on earth. We are both deserving of punishment. And then at the same time remember that other verse, 

For God so loved the world [all people] that he gave his son that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

There’s been a lot going on in our country this month. We got a new president. He’s already done a lot of things that have people very divided in thought. Illegal immigrants  are a hot topic right now. Deportations. Who’s getting deported, who isn’t.  Why isn’t there a path to citizenship? Why should there be? Who deserves deportation and who doesn’t. And as usual, whenever something is controversial, people start posting memes and blanket statements and everyone gets riled up. 

As a Christian, I have a challenge. For those who profess Jesus as their Lord, I would challenge you to think about your words before posting or making public statements. I would challenge us to step back and remember that every single illegal immigrant in this country has a name, a story, and they have the eyes of God on them. And those eyes are full of love and compassion. 

I would say that when we speak harshly, rudely, disparagingly of any people, any demographic, anybody, we are not reflecting Jesus’ love and his heart for people. God is a God of mercy, he longs for each person in this world to turn to him and accept his love. Let’s not let our words and actions be a stumbling block that keep people away from God. 

Whether you think Trump is the devil or Jesus incarnate, if you profess to follow Jesus then people are watching you and your actions draw people to God or push them away. Jesus loves every single person on this earth, and he is merciful. Our words should always reflect this. Disparaging comments, disrespect, mocking, gloating, none of these things have a place in our walk with God. People who think differently from us are not our enemies. They are loved by God and our prayer needs to be that God will teach us how to love more deeply, more widely, more mercifully. 

I was shocked to be reminded that Haman also falls into the category of people that God wants to have mercy towards. Here’s some other people that fall into that category:

Israel

Hamas

Palestinians

LGBTQ

Democrats

Republicans

Black people

White people

Brown people

Poor people

People on Government Assistance

Illegal immigrants

Convicts

Homeless

Drug addicts

Politicians

Trump

Biden

Kamala Harris

People who carry guns

People who don’t carry guns

Vets

Pacificists

Let’s lift our eyes up off of all the chaos of this world and remember we are striving to be like Jesus. 

Swinging on the Pendulum

I have had a list of tasks slowly accumulating. All things that I don’t want to do and so I keep putting them off. Things like making a dentist appointment. Finding a new dentist for my kids. Calling a company about a bill. Deaing with insurance companies. Emailing someone. Calling my bank. 

My typical way of approaching these tasks is to ignore them as long as possible until the dread of facing consequences from not doing them outweighs the dread of actually doing them. 

And in the middle of all this inaction vs action, my brain keeps a tally. We did not do these things, take away points, we are obviously not worthy. We did things, add some points, we must be worthy! It’s an exhausting way to live and it’s something I’ve been struggling to break free of for years. The idea that we must somehow earn love and forgiveness and worth.  

Today, aside from doing things I didn’t want to do, I also did my reading from the book, “Chosen” by Donna Snow, a book I’m reading with a women’s Bible Study. It’s a study on Queen Esther, and it’s been enjoyable. Today’s topic was pride. Generally, Haman’s pride, but specifically, pride that we each deal with in our own lives. 

My mindset of earning my worth is all tied up in pride. I, because of all my good deeds, will be declared good enough. And when I’m having a bad day, I, with all my devastating failures, will never be declared good enough. 

Today, as I’ve swung back and forth on the pendulum of worthy and not worthy, I have heard the Holy Spirit asking me a question. Is what Jesus did on the cross enough? 

When I’m failing, feeling like a horrible parent, an inadequate wife, someone who is incapable of living a disciplined ordered life, is what Jesus did for me enough? Did his blood really cover all of my sins and wash me completely clean, or did it just take care of some of it? 

When I’m feeling like I’m on top of the world, accomplishing all the tasks, being superwoman, is what Jesus did on the cross enough? Do these things that I do make me more lovable, more saved, more righteous? 

I would say that the cure to pride is to take your eyes off of yourself and look instead at the one person who is worthy of all honor and glory. Jesus. He is the one who has declared us worthy, who sacrificed everything in order that we can be covered in his goodness. We can’t take away from what he did with our failures and we can’t add to what he did with our successes. Why am I worthy and loved? Because of Jesus. No other reason. Just Jesus.