Tag: faith

Needing Some Forgiveness for the New Year

It’s Sunday evening and I’m sitting in my living room, fire going, wrapped in a cozy blanket. Kids are reading, and skating, and playing loud instruments. Just another quiet evening at the Heneises. 

We’ve had a wonderful Christmas break. Lots of family time. For the most part everyone has managed to enjoy or at least put up with each other’s company. Apart from a couple days visiting grandparents, we’ve just been home. It has been a nice rest, but I’m ready for us to start back to our normal schedule tomorrow. 

It’s the beginning of the year and this is normally the time that we set goals, make plans, look forward with a hopeful list of all the things we want to accomplish. I couldn’t resist doing the same. I made a realistic exercise and diet plan to start on the first of the year. I followed the plan for day one, and then the next day came down with a really bad cold which wiped me out for the rest of the week. But, this is probably a good thing. I am realizing that I don’t want a “plan” or a “regimen” or anything like that. I want to head into this year making better choices every day. One step at a time. One day at a time. Not a set of rules, but rather a better mindset. 

As I’ve been sick these last several days, I’ve found myself all of a sudden remembering things I don’t want to remember from years ago. Remembering times I was especially selfish or stupid or mean. Remembering times I made really embarrassing mistakes. And I’m sitting here, years later, minding my own business, and all of a sudden I’m in that moment in my memories and my face turns red and I feel deep shame and I wish the earth would just open up and swallow me. Not fun. I was thinking about these horrible memories when we headed to church this morning. And then during the worship service over and over again there was the message of Jesus’ forgiveness and how it changes us and makes us new. We are forgiven. The past is in the past and we are moving forward into this new year, washed clean, filled with the Holy Spirit, following our Jesus  wherever he chooses to lead us.  

Forgiveness seems like a pretty relevant subject when you’re starting a new year. We want this coming year to be wonderful, we want our relationships to be healthy and fulfulling. We want work for our hands that gives us purpose and challenges us. We want to walk into this next year making great choices that will make us healthier and stronger and wiser. But, it’s hard to move into something new without addressing the old. If we want great relationships this year, we may need to go back and apologize for things we’ve done this past year. If we want our work to be purposeful and challenging, we might need to look back at why it wasn’t purposeful and challenging before. If we want to make better choices moving forward, we might need to make an honest assessment of the choices we made in the past that were more harmful than helpful so we can actually see what changes need to be made. And in the midst of all that looking back, we need to not sink into despair. We can ask Jesus to forgive us for the things we have done wrong and then we can move forward, learning from our mistakes and sins, and stepping into the new year with a clean slate. Ready to try again. 

So to all my fellow imperfect human beings, I wish you a Happy New Year. May you learn from the year we just finished, and may you seek and find the forgiveness that washes you clean and may this next year find you wiser and kinder and walking closer with Jesus.  

Christmas and Revelation

It’s Christmas Eve. I’m sitting in my robe in my kitchen, waiting for a bread pudding to come out of the oven. After some consideration, I came to the conclusion that bread pudding actually has less sugar and more eggs than french toast or pancakes, and thus is actually a perfectly acceptable breakfast food. 😀 I lit my candles, and shared a hot drink with my husband before he headed out to work. Now two of my daughters have joined me, cheerfully chattering. 

My list for today is reasonable and we will end the evening with a Christmas Eve service at the Lutheran church where my children attend school. All is Merry and Bright. 

Set against this scene was my Bible reading this morning. I am doing a Bible reading plan with our church where we are reading through the New Testament and Psalms. We have stuck it out all year and are finally wrapping up our reading with the book of Revelation. It is a very jarring book to read at Christmas time. It feels so at odds with our celebrations. 

If you are thinking about the story of our deliverance, Christmas is the beginning. (Though the entire Old Testament is a looking forward to this deliverance). And then Revelation is the end. Jesus returns, judgement is passed, sin and death end, we move forward into the glorious future Jesus has planned for us. But first we have to get through some serious suffering and hardship as it all comes to pass. 

I am sitting here wondering why we need to read Revelation at Christmas time, and this is what has occurred to me. 

This Christmas has been really wonderful. And I keep comparing it to past Christmases. I remember when money was a lot shorter and tighter and our Christmas shopping mostly happened at the thrift stores. Or those times when the only extra money for Christmas came from a Christmas bonus check that we only got a day or two before Christmas day, and then the very rushed shopping expeditions as I tried to find presents two days before Christmas. I remember trying to have Christmas trees with babies and toddlers who were determined to pull every ornament off the tree and try their very hardest to pull the whole tree down on top of themselves. I remember trying to do nightly advent readings with a whole gaggle of small, impatient children who didn’t want to sit still and listen. I remember the chaos of trying to keep the house clean and beautiful with Christmas decorations while the children came along behind me, flinging toys and books left and right, spilling drinks and crumbs on my freshly swept floors. And while those memories are full of joy and fondness, I am really enjoying this Christmas where my children are old enough to help keep things tidy, sit still for our advent readings, and I am not feeling overly stressed financially. 

Looking back actually makes this present moment even sweeter. 

Perhaps it’s the same for Christmas. Looking back, and forward, makes the meaning of Christmas even richer. We look back and see how lost we were in our sins, stuck in a constant cycle of death and destruction. We look forward and see that one day, all the sin in the world will be punished, justice will finally come, and for those who claim this free gift of deliverance, paradise is waiting. Which makes Christmas, the time we celebrate that Jesus came to earth as a baby to begin his ministry of deliverance, so much sweeter. 

Perhaps Revelation and Christmas do go together. Merry Christmas everyone, I pray it will be a joyous season for you, whether this is a time of struggling or a time of peace. God is good all the time, past, present and future.

Good Chris­tian men, re­joice
With heart and soul, and voice;
Give ye heed to what we say:
News! News! Je­sus Christ is born to­day;
Ox and ass be­fore Him bow;
And He is in the man­ger now.
Christ is born to­day!
Christ is born to­day!

Good Chris­tian men, re­joice,
With heart and soul and voice;
Now ye hear of end­less bliss:
Joy! Joy! Je­sus Christ was born for this!
He has op­ened the heav­en­ly door,
And man is blest for­ev­er­more.
Christ was born for this!
Christ was born for this!

Good Chris­tian men, re­joice,
With heart and soul and voice;
Now ye need not fear the grave:
Peace! Peace! Je­sus Christ was born to save!
Calls you one and calls you all,
To gain His ev­er­last­ing hall.
Christ was born to save!
Christ was born to save!

Good Christian Men Rejoice
Words by Heinrich Suso
Translated by John Neale

Share My Joy!

This morning I woke up at 4:30am, jerked awake by a million thoughts of all the things I need to get done. I checked my phone to see what time it was then lay back in bed, trying to make myself stop thinking so I could sleep more, but I finally gave up at 5:30am and just got up. Took a shower, got all my candles lit, put on Handel’s Messiah, snuggled up in the living room with a blanket and my dog and caught up on some Bible reading, while sipping a cup of tea. Pretty delightful actually.  

Now, I’ve got all the kids up, dressed, fed, lunches packed, homework in backpacks, younger kids delivered to their school, the teens’ vehicle filled with gas, confirmed report that they made it to school safely. Husband is out the door. My fire is going in my woodstove, snow is falling outside, my home is warm and cozy, Christmas music is playing and I have a deep desire to share all this peace and joy with everyone. 

In December we do an advent of a sort as a family. We have daily readings that we do followed with a little treat. This year we added reading through the book “The Heart of Jesus” by Dane Ortlund. Sitting every evening reading about Jesus’ constancy, his enduring love, his gentle and compassionate heart for us, has been wonderful. 

I become more and more aware of how richly blessed I am, and more and more aware that everything I have is because of Jesus. 

I am loved. I am accepted. I am able to use my gifts and talents daily to bless the people around me and bring joy to myself as well. 

My relationships are healthy. Not perfect, but when issues inevitably arise, I have God’s word and the Holy Spirit to help unravel any difficulties.  

I have hope for the future. I know that no matter what happens God is there and his plan will prevail. Death is not a scary prospect, rather it will be the moment that I will finally see Jesus face to face. 

I know that my children are in God’s hands and I can trust him with them. 

I have all that I need. And I have a long history on which to look back and see all the times God provided when we didn’t have the power to provide for ourselves. And that gives me confidence to not worry for future provision. 

I have peace in the storms. I have joy in the everyday things. 

I have Jesus. 

And it came to pass in those days that a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered. This census first took place while Quirinius was governing Syria. So all went to be registered, everyone to his own city.

Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed wife, who was with child. So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered.  And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. Luke 2:1-7

Jesus, the Son of God, came as a baby, lived the perfect life for us and then died as a sacrifice for our sins, then rose again on the third day so that we can have eternal life with him. He holds out his hand and says, 

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

My prayer for everyone is that this Christmas will be about knowing Jesus and resting in his forgiveness and truly earth-shattering love for us. 

Wonderful Beautiful Monday

It’s a bright crisp Monday morning and I just got home from a two mile walk with my dog through the neighborhood. The sun was making the world glitter and the trees were just starting to show off their new autumn streaks of red and gold. It was cool enough to wear a thick sweater, but not freezing. Basically, just a perfect Fall morning. The song “To God be the Glory” has been running through my head since we sang it in church yesterday and I woke up humming it as I started my day. 

We had a really busy weekend and I’m looking forward today to just being home, keeping the laundry going, practicing piano, starting a new book I’m doing with a women’s bible study, maybe reading some more of my fun book I’m working on too. 

I feel happy. Joyful. And thankful. Because I know that this joy and happiness is a gift from God. It’s not my normal way of starting a Monday. The gift is that somehow God made himself present in my thoughts first thing today. Instead of waking up feeling tired and grumpy from having to get up early, stressing about the busy week ahead, I woke up singing. That was not something that I manufactured and did because I’m just a great person. Only the work of the Holy Spirit can make me wake up cheerful on a Monday morning. 😀

Last night before I went to bed, I finished the last chapter of “The Heart of Jesus How He Really Feels About You” by Dane Ortlund. I loved how the author ended the book. He concluded that instead of trying to figure out how we can take all the lessons we learned in the book and apply them to our lives, instead we just need to follow Matthew 11:28 and “Come to Jesus”. Bask in his love for us, his forgiveness, his heart for us. Just go to Jesus. Be with him. 

When you learn that Jesus is not angry with you. That his forgiveness is eternal, he is rich in mercy, that he yearns for us, that he is gentle and lowly, that his ways of loving and showing mercy are so much higher than our ways of loving and showing mercy. When you learn that he is gracious and slow to anger, that he is a tender friend, that his heart is beautiful. When you learn these things and then realize that you can actually spend every moment of your day with this God who loves you so richly. That you can talk to him and share your life with him, every good and bad moment. That you can spend your days seeing his goodness surrounding you and be able to thank him personally, and continually..Oh, what a wonderful day it is when you can live this out. 

This Monday is no different from any other Monday. There’s work to be done, stress to live through. Things will break. Money will come up short. Kids will fuss and fight. Bad news will show up. But, oh the difference, when you start the day with Jesus, feel his love, see his goodness. What a wonderful, beautiful Monday it is. 

Basking in Kindess

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the kindness of God. I have been adapting to being a stay-at-home mom whose kids are now all in school all day. Trying to figure out what I should be doing with the extra windows of time I suddenly have. I teach piano lessons one full day a week and one evening a week, and it takes at least three full days to keep up with all the laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning and errands, plus room to handle all the non routine things like doctor’s appointments etc which left me with one day during school hours where I felt like I really could be doing more with my time. And I’ve worried about it. Should I go volunteer somewhere? A homeless shelter? A soup kitchen? Tutor kids in need? I had no idea what I should be doing. And I felt like God had something in mind and it would be obvious when I found it. 

Now, do I like volunteering? It really depends on what the task is. I am very capable of talking to strangers, but I’m shy and introverted and it takes a lot out of me to make myself do that. I would much prefer to be sweeping the floor in the back room than to be in a position where I am talking to lots of people. So, I didn’t jump into anything. Just waited. 

But, this goes a little deeper. I think most of my life I have lived in expectation that I am the one who needs to do the hard things. There’s not enough cookies for everyone, I’ll go without. The cat threw up on the floor, I’ll clean it up. We all just had a fun time at the party, now I’ll clean up all the mess. Part of that is just being an adult with kids. It’s the adult’s job to sacrifice and take on the harder, less pleasant tasks. But, I think it goes deeper than that. And I’m struggling to put it into words, but the closest I can come to is, “God is always going to expect me to do things that I don’t really enjoy and that require a lot of self-sacrifce, because someone needs to do it, and I and I am dependable, and in the middle of it all, it will make me build character.” 

So, with all that background in mind, a couple weeks ago I attended a women’s bible study at the church where my children go to school. And during introductions another friend mentioned I played piano, and long story short, the choir teacher for my kids school who was also at the Bible study revealed that she could really use someone to play piano for her choir classes and performances, was I interested? Um, yes. 

And I walked out of the Bible Study that evening just stunned at the kindness of God. If someone asked me what my dream volunteer job was, I would have said anything involving music. But of course, that’s frivolous. No one actually NEEDS someone to play piano for them during school hours… Except for the choir teacher at my kids’ school!

I know this is all part of my journey to understanding the love of God for me. And what a wonderful journey it is. 

Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, My lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.Psalm 63: 3-4

Upstairs Downstairs Truth

I’m reading a book called “The Deconstruction of Chrisitianity: What it is, Why it’s Destructive, and How to Respond” by Alisa Childers and Tim Barnett. I’m only up to chapter 7, but it’s been a good book so far. 

In the book the authors acknowledge yet another author, Francis Shaeffer, who came up with the concept of upstairs and downstairs truth. And that’s what I want to talk about. So, the idea is that in this stage of history that we are in, we have come to organize truth in a two story house. On the bottom floor are things like science and math. Facts. These are unarguable, unmovable. 1+1=2. No one is going to reasonably argue with that. Then, in the second story of our house we have things that fall more into the category of preferences. I think chocolate ice cream tastes better than vanilla. I like Fall better than Winter. Green is the prettiest color. These are opinions and are going to be different for each person. You like green, but I think purple is better. So far so good. The problem arises in that our society has placed religion in the upstairs part of our house. You believe in God? Ok, that’s fine. I don’t. But, whatever makes you happy. Which, maybe you’ve seen that COEXIST bumper sticker that uses each letter of the word to represent all the world’s main religions? The idea being, you believe in Allah, and I’ll believe in Buddha, and they can believe in God, and we can all be happy together and support each other in our preferential beliefs. 

Except that, as Christians, we believe that our faith belongs in the downstairs part of the house. Jesus is real, his word, the Bible is unarguable truth. Jesus said, “I am the way and the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6. We don’t believe that religion is preferential. If you don’t believe in Jesus then you are not saved. This is unarguable fact, like 1+1=2. 

I’ve been thinking about my own faith journey. I had some traumatic events when I was very young and my response was to retreat into my own little world of imagination and books. But, even at that age, I knew Jesus, and I took him with me into my own little world. I remember when I would daydream and create stories in my head, there was always that standard that my stories I made up and lived out in my fantasy world (stories that helped me makes sense of the world I was living in and make sense of the things that had happened to me), those stories always acknowledged the presence of God. And when I think back on the theme of most of the stories I made up, the heroes I imagined were very Christ-like. 

As a child who grew up on the mission field and whose parents were in full-time ministry, I saw a lot of the bad side of organized religion. I saw hypocrisy, abuse, and more hypocrisy. I saw a lot of legalism. Manipulation. Essentially, a whole array of things that should have turned me away from my faith. Things that should have made me think, well, if that’s what Jesus is like, then I don’t want anything to do with him. And here is where my testimony is, my story of how God kept me from falling away. Somehow, Jesus made himself known to me at such a young age and was so a part of my inner thought life, that when I saw all these things that were wrong, I knew that those things were not Jesus. Those things were people acting in such a way that proved they obviously didn’t know the true Jesus. 

I have known since I was very young that Jesus is fact. Not a preference. He is the truth and everything else is measured against him and his word as found in the Bible. And when Christians don’t act in a Christ-like manner, I know it means they’re not walking in step with Jesus, not that Jesus doesn’t exist. 

Reading about the Upstairs Downstairs method of organizing truth has been really helpful for me to understand where people are coming from when they approach religion as being a subjective experience. And it also helps make sense why people can get so angry about “fundamental Christians”. If my viewpoint of the world is that Jesus is a flavor of ice cream that I can choose to like or not like or just ignore if I want to, I can see how someone standing there telling me that Jesus is the only way would feel annoying. I pray that the Holy Spirit will move and open people’s eyes to see that Jesus is fact not preference, that he is Truth, not opinion. 

Devastation in our Part of the World

For those who don’t live in the same part of the world as me, our big, breaking, horrible news is the floods and destruction that have hit our region due to Hurricane Helene. East Tennessee and Western North Carolina have been hit so hard, that my brain can’t wrap around it. Entire towns gone. Our main interstates and highways and bridges, washed out. There are still communities, today, where people continue to remain trapped in their homes, waiting for help. The city of Asheville was completely cut off. The death count is at 166 but there are still people missing and unaccounted for. 

I have been watching my news feed throughout all of this. Seeing in-the-moment pictures of the destruction, people calling out into the internet void for information about their community and friends and family. I want to use words like heartbreaking, and devastating, but those words feel cliche. 

East Tennessee and Western North Carolina are our family’s go-to place. We take drives there, vacations, adventures. I was at a basketball tournament in Asheville in January for my kids. My daughter and I had a weekend away at Biltmore last year. My husband and I have spent several weekends away tucked into different remote mountain communities. We joke about just abandoning all our responsibilities to go have breakfast in Maggie Valley. When I was thirteen, I attended a camp at Lake Junaluska where I had my first real encounter with a loving God. When people talk about where your favorite place is or where you want to retire, I always think of these mountains as the best place to be. 

And now, I don’t know what to think or feel. I don’t know how these communities are going to put themselves back together again. I don’t know how the families who have lost everything are going to recover or even manage the day-to-day living. I don’t know how all these roads and bridges can get fixed in any kind of timely way. The problem is so humongous that my brain just shuts off any time I try to think of it. 

I do know that so many people and organizations and churches and rescue people, and mule trains, and ham radio operators, soup kitchens, stores, everyone is reaching out to help. And I pray that this help can connect with every individual who has been affected. I pray that every person who has not been found and is waiting for rescue will be found today. I pray that every person who has been separated from family and friends and who are anxiously waiting for news will hear that news today and it will be good news. I pray that everyone who has gone to help will be able to coordinate and work well together. 

The world is frightening. Terrifying. Natural disasters destroying people’s lives. Wars tearing the fabric of our humanity apart. Unrest. Instability. Famine. Starvation. After a while, our hearts and brains can no longer handle the knowledge of so much devastation, and we turn our brains off. Go numb. Try to distract ourselves with entertainment. 

How do we live in the face of so much suffering? 

I don’t know.  But I will hold onto Jesus and take it one minute at a time and pray that I can somehow find a way to help someone today. 

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. 

Fail, Repent, Try Again

At the beginning of the school year, my 8th grade daughter had an assignment where she had to describe each person in her family with one adjective. She was telling me the words she used for each of her siblings and it was really fun. Then she told me that she chose the word “Perseverance” for me. Since I have never thought of that as one of my defining traits, I asked her why. She said it was because I kept starting new diets and new exercise plans. I didn’t give up. I kept trying. 

That flabbergasted me. I would tell you that my inability to stick to a healthy diet and exercise plan is one of my biggest failures in life. But through my daughter’s eyes of grace she saw it as perseverance. Mom never gives up. She keeps trying. 

I see my relationship with diet and exercise kind of like that Greek mythological guy who gets cursed to roll a large boulder up a mountain, and every time he almost reaches the top, the boulder rolls back down and he has to start all over again. I don’t see this as a battle I am ever going to win. But at the same time, I’d rather spend my life pushing the boulder up the mountain, then sitting at the bottom and giving up. So I tell my kids, once again..Ok, nobody offer me chocolate or ice cream or anything that tastes great, cause I’m going off sugar again. Who wants to go walking in the park with me? I’m trying to walk every day…again. And the kids just nod and accept it. They’ve seen it before. 

But apparently, while I thought I was modeling “how to fail repeatedly”, at least one of them saw me modeling Perseverance instead. 

I’ve had quite a few people tell me I should write a book. Maybe about parenting? And that sounds like a horrible idea to me. I’ve sat and thought about it before. What advice would I give newer parents? I can’t come up with much. Love your kids. Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. I feel like my parenting journey has been fully rooted in the verse, “My grace is sufficient for you..” I’ve made silly mistakes and I’ve made mistakes that have caused horrible damage. I have some deep regrets. But, God has been faithful. He has been kind enough to show us what we are doing wrong and given us the opportunity to ask forgiveness and repent and try to turn to a different path. He has been gracious to my children and put other people in their lives who have helped them overcome some of the wounds I have inevitably caused. And somehow he has allowed all of us to walk a path where all of my older children still like talking to me and spending time with me, even when they now have the freedom to choose otherwise. That is God’s favor on our lives. 

I would say that my parenting style has been a constant pattern of fail, repent, try again. I guess I could say our marriage is kind of like that too. In fact.. Maybe this is a pattern for life? Fail, repent, try again? And somehow God works through all of that and instead of calling it failure, he calls it perseverance. And he gives us grace to try again, and somehow takes all the messy debris from all our mistakes, and turns them into good. And while I hope that I will see some victories in this life, the good news is that, unlike the Greek guy who is cursed forever, I know that one day I will be with Jesus and all the battles will be over and I will be fully victorious. And until then, with the grace of God, I will persevere.

Friendship?

I’ve been reading a book that has really got me thinking. The book is “The Hands of the Emperor” by Victoria Goddard. I’m not going to recommend the book. The author’s view on sexuality does not line up with the Biblical standard and she did not have very good editing, but despite all that the book gripped me. I didn’t want to put it down. 

I have learned to start being curious about things that grip me, so I made myself stop reading and ask the question, what emptiness in myself is being filled? And I realized the reason I was so enthralled was because it deals with a friendship of nonequals. The friendship between the emperor and his secretary, actually, his right-hand man. 

Lately I have really been puzzling over the fact that Jesus calls us friends. 

No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. John 15:15

Different praise and worship songs have latched onto this idea and I find myself singing about being a friend of God in church and it really makes me pause. How is it possible to be friends with God? He is God. I am human. Creator, created. Master, servant. 

In the book, the author focuses on the fact that the emperor does not want to be emperor. He wants to be just a simple man like everyone else. And in the end of the book series, the two  friends have achieved a type of equality. But that is not how God works. He is God. The book of Revelation describes the elders casting their crowns before the throne and worshipping God in all his splendor. Worship is obviously a part of our relationship with God. 

John 13:13 says, 

You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 

But Jesus says this right after he has washed his disciples feet. And then calls on them to follow his example of being a servant. 

We have this word, “condescend” which we usually use in a negative way. When someone is being condescending it means they are looking down on us. But the real meaning is “to willingly lower oneself to another’s level”. And that is what Jesus does. He condescends to call us friend. 

In the book the secretary is an amazing character. Heroic. He’s mind-bogglingly efficient and able to change the world with his work. And I found myself thinking, well, yes, maybe God could be friends with people who are amazing, like Moses, and David. But me? While I am content with who I am and the role I play in this world, I also know that my role is confined to my family and community. I am not a world-stage player. I don’t want to be. 

The New Testament has different kinds of analogies for the church. The body, vessels. All implying that we have our own role to play, and some roles are big and obvious and some are small and unnoticeable, but we all work together for one purpose. 

I was thinking about myself as a vessel. Something God created for a purpose. I understand a lot of my purpose. Be a good wife, raise my family, try to be someone who lifts up and encourages whoever I am in community with. Draw near to God…And be Jesus’ friend? It feels presumptuous. Encroaching. Not humble. I find myself pulling back from the idea. 

I don’t think I have settled this completely in my mind, but I’ll tell you where I have ended up for now. God created me. He knows me completely. A lot better than I know myself. I love God. I want to be with him. He is truly what I live for. I don’t know all the reasons he created me. I don’t know all the purposes he has for me. I just know that I want all of it. I want every gift and talent he’s given me to be used. I want every opportunity he puts in my path to be taken advantage of. I want every relationship he’s opened up for me to happen. I want it all. And if “friendship with God” is on the list of things he has purposed for me, then I want it. My hands are open, ready to receive. And I’m excited to see what happens. 

The Gospel PLUS

One of my pastors made a comment that if some act that you were doing caused you to feel more righteous than someone else, then you were adding on to the Gospel. The Gospel PLUS. The Bible tells us that Jesus’ death on the cross completely covered the debt we owed for our sins. We come to Jesus in faith, repent of our sins, and he forgives us. We then walk out our lives learning how to listen and obey him and through that process he changes us to become more like him. But it’s not our obedience and our listening that saves us. It’s Jesus’ work on the cross, a free gift to us. 

That is a hard concept. We like to feel like we are earning our way. Let me work for that. Surely, I need to be doing something to deserve this. And then we take concepts like prayer and Bible reading, and service and we turn them into laws. Things we must do to earn grace. If I don’t get up every morning and read my Bible and pray for an hour, then I’m not really saved. If I don’t fast once a week then I’m not really holy. If I don’t take one day a week and spend the entire day devoted to church and rest then I’m not really following after God. 

All of these things, Bible reading, prayer, fasting, sabbath rest, all of these things are gifts that God has given us to enable us to learn more about him, to enter into his presence, to come alongside him in his work here on the earth, to keep our bodies and minds healthy and whole. They are gifts that we have been given, and the more we use them, the more blessed we are. But doing these things does not save us. Jesus’ work on the cross is what saves us. 

I think back to things that I have done that were good and healthy and blessed our family, but I know that deep down I did feel “more righteous” than others because I did them. Things like homeschooling, or eating super healthy, daily family devotions. All good things. All things that I’m glad that we did. But, I wish my heart attitude had been different. I wish that I had known to hold these practices lightly, to not feel the stress of HAVING to do these things in order to be righteous. But instead to just rejoice that God made these things possible for our family as a blessing to us. 

RIght now I find myself struggling a bit. I am not actively involved in any kind of ministry. My children are. And I help them get to and from the places they need to be. But I myself am not doing anything. And I remind myself that my family is my first priority. My main ministry. But I feel guilty for not doing more. And that is definitely coming from a Gospel PLUS mentality. If I’m not actively serving somewhere then I’m not earning my way. 

In the past, I have never actively sought out ministry. A need has simply arrived on my doorstep, so to speak, and I have responded to that need. And I keep waiting for something to be brought to my attention that I can help with and nothing has shown up. And deep in my heart, I’m thankful that nothing has shown up, because this has been an emotionally difficult summer as I’ve watched my kids scatter all over the place, pursuing their dreams, growing up, leaving the nest, and I’ve had to fight the duel feelings of overwhelming pride that they have grown up so well and have so much to offer the world, and deep sorrow that they are no longer little and no longer apart of my daily interactions. 

And so I have to learn how to trust that God does not need all my works in order to deem me acceptable to him. Jesus already took care of that. I am saved. I’m adopted in. I am loved. And I’m available. He will use me as he sees fit, and I can relax and wait on his timing. Keep doing the things that are set in front of me. Wash the dishes, fold the laundry, feed the family. Love on my babies that are still here. And just rest in the Gospel.