Tag: God

Extravagant Love

A couple weeks ago a friend of ours passed away. He is someone my husband and I have known since we first got married. He was in his 40s and died of cancer.

Over the years we met his mother, his ex-wife, and two of his brothers. Today, none of them are still living. He came from a background of extreme poverty, prostitution, drug addiction, homelessness, and petty crime. And in the middle of all that, he found Jesus. Got saved. Got baptized. Got into a church community.

We did life with him for a period of time and it was rough.

Some people have miraculous testimonies of how God freed them from addiction, turned their lives completely around, and they moved forward a completely different person.

Other people struggle their entire lives to overcome. Overcome addiction. Overcome abuse. Overcome the physical harm that comes with drugs and living a life of desperation.

When we were in the trenches with our friend, suffering some of those things you suffer when you are close to someone with an addiction, I remember crying out to God about the whole situation. “What are you doing God?” And he answered me very clearly. So clearly that I can still remember where I was, in my car, on the interstate, when he answered me. “I am showering him with extravagant love.”

Grace. Mercy. Compassion. Our thoughts are not God’s thoughts. How many times should I forgive my brother? Seven? No, seventy times seven.

How much does God love? When does he throw in the towel and say, Ok, you’ve screwed up one time too many, I’m done with you? He doesn’t. His love never fails. HIs love is extravagant, beyond measure.

Our friend passed away. He never hit that golden moment where society would say, ok, you’ve overcome completely so we will now call you worthy. His life was a struggle. But, he believed. No matter how small that faith looked, he believed. And he was loved by a God who gives generously, extravagantly. And I am pretty excited about the fact that he is now with Jesus and been completely healed and made whole. One day I will see him again and we will rejoice together at the extravagant, generous, abundant love of God.

O Taste and See

Today is one of those days when all the colors are brighter. The grass is greener, the sky is more blue, the wind seems sweeter. Everything is beautiful. 

I had to take my son to a doctor’s appointment first thing this morning. Then I had to come up with a menu and go grocery shopping. And then unload the car. And put everything away. And make sure everyone had food to eat. And chores got done. And had to order a new latch for the lid of my washing machine so it would start working again. And on and on, etc, etc. But, in between all the mundane tasks, I keep looking up and seeing trees covered in rustling green clothes, swaying in the wind. The bird singing extra loud. The clouds exceptionally white and fluffy. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Psalm 34:8

One of my boys went on a playdate this afternoon and the other one was feeling lonely so he asked if we could walk down to the park close to our house. I said sure and packed a little bag with a water bottle and a book to read, thinking I’d sit back and enjoy that while he played on the playground. But when we got there he was the only child there and it was obvious he wanted my attention. So I put the book away and made an effort to be present with him. We quickly abandoned the playground and went and walked around the man-made pond in the center of the park. There were geese and ducks and we spent a lot of time watching them and meandering around the pond. The park is not fancy, and the pond’s water is a bit scary, not something you would want to fall into. But, today the park was beautiful. And I cherished the time with my son. 

Days like today are gifts. Days where you can see. You can see how breath-taking this world is that we live in. You can see how precious the people around you are. You can see what a miracle and blessing our everyday lives are. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Psalm 34:8

There are so many worries and stresses in our lives. It is overwhelming. Tomorrow I will go back to worrying about all the minutiae of my life, the burdens my city bears, the fears and tragedies of the nations. Those haven’t gone away. And there is a time and a place to throw everything we have at those problems facing our world.  But right now, I just want to stay in this moment, where the world is a masterpiece, my children are the most wondrous of jewels, and I know that God is here, I can feel his presence in the breeze blowing across my face. And it’s that joy and peace that I need, so I can take them into tomorrow where all the troubles wait for me, and I can face them from a place of goodness. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Psalm 34:8

Where is the American Church?

My daughter is an Americorp volunteer. She just received news today that her program is shut down. Effective immediately. This week I heard that the CASA/GAL program is losing their funding. These are programs that help children in foster care who have suffered abuse or neglect. Another news item said that the suicide hotline for LGBTQ youth will be shut down. Federal funding that sent food to local food banks has disappeared. Programs that help poor people pay for housing and help the homeless get housing have had their funds reduced. 

This is all part of Making America Great Again. 

I read an article this past summer where some Christian Nationalist groups were interviewed and one man said it was not the business of the government to be doing charitable work, it was the work of the church, and if Trump got in power things would be fixed. 

So, if the government is not supposed to be involved in helping the poor, the needy, the sick, the homeless, and certainly not the strangers and aliens in our country, then, where is the American church? 

I’m not talking about the churches who are already working with the poor and the needy and the sick and the homeless. They’re already doing their job and are maxed out to what they can do. Where is the rest of the American church? All of these government funding cuts are affecting real people in real time. Right now there are people suffering hardship because of these funding cuts. So, what’s the plan? Who’s going to take over caring for these needs? 

The Bible is pretty radical in what it says about helping others in need. Here’s a tiny tiny sample: 

Luke 3:11  “John answered, “Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same.”


Proverbs 31:8-9 “Open your mouth for the voiceless, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” 

Mathew 25:37-40 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Jesus desires humilty, grace, love, compassion. His followers seek the good of their neigbhors. We change the world by loving one person at a time. 

Where is the promised revolution where the American church will take care of charity so the government can turn its focus to whatever it’s thinking is more important? 

I am not worried about my daughter losing her funding for the work that she is doing. She is determined to serve and she will find a way to do so. But people like my daughter are kind of rare. And they can’t take care of everyone. I am waiting to hear about the flood of sermons preached in the Maga churches where the pastors will exhort their congregation to go out and get their hands dirty and help the needy in their immediate communities. Hey, guess what, the local food pantry is no longer being funded, let’s step up and fund them as a church. Hey, the program that helps homeless people achieve stability and housing just lost their funding. Send around the offering plate, let’s fund it. Hey, the foster care system is overflowing and they need foster parents, and lawyers, and volunteer workers, and open homes, and counselors, and doctors, and teachers and a whole other giant list of things, let’s make it happen. 

If I see the American church doing this on a large scale, and if this becomes our definition of Making America Great, then maybe there will be hope for us. 

And I pray, Lord have Mercy on Me, I have not done enough to help those in need. Lord have mercy on the American church, let us step up and obey your word. Lord have mercy on the downtrodden, the desperate, the needy. Change our hearts, soften our hearts, give us your compassion and love for those around us. Give us your eyes to see the value and beauty in the homeless person we drive by on our way to work. Break through our pride and apathy. Help us to lift our eyes up from our entertainment and see the suffering world around us. Give us vision and strategy to help our communities. Lord have mercy.

What do we do when we emphatically disagree?

Over the last weeks as a new administration has taken over the government, I have been struggling to write. 

In a country where half the population wanted our current President and half the population did not, it’s really difficult to find a middle line that is not offensive to someone. And as I see the lack of unity, the extreme division in all areas of our society, I don’t want to add fuel to the fire. 

As a Christian it is even more imperative that I do not sow division. Jesus does not categorize us into all the boxes that we like so much, Protestant, Catholic, Orthodox, Nondenominational. To him, we are simply his church, his bride. All the denominations. All the flavors. When I am upset at people in the church holding onto political stances that I strongly disagree with, I think of Romans 14:4:

Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.

So, what do we do when we emphatically disagree with the people around us? 

I know that I have had to give myself some time to cool down. And social media does not help with that. I’ve had to go through and snooze some people on my Facebook feed. Not because I don’t like them or that I’m opposed to seeing things from a perspective that I don’t agree with, but because I have not been in an emotional headspace to handle a different perspective. 

It’s hard to be calm and be at peace with others when your emotions are riled up. 

And maybe that’s what we all need right now. Everybody step back and take a deep breath. 

I’m also having to take time to put faces and stories to the opposite perspective. Instead of making blanket statements like, if you all disagree with this then you must be a bunch of idiots, maybe stop and think. Hmm. My friend Betty supports this other idea. She supports it because she is worried about x,y, and z, and the people that she trusts have told her that this is the answer to those problems that she is worried about. 

The next step is being able to have conversations with people who think differently. Calm conversations. Conversations where both sides show respect to each other and don’t belittle each other’s comments. 

I had a rather charged conversation with my son, who happens to think differently than me, and it got a bit too emotional. But we were able to stop. Reaffirm our respect for each other and our willingness to listen, and were able to proceed to have a good conversation where I was able to see his perspective and maybe he saw some of mine. 

It is hard to not see the political state of our country as the “main thing”. Surely this is the “main thing” I should be thinking about, studying about, worrying about, talking about. It does, after all, feel like a historical event, as things progress in ways they never have before. With half celebrating and half mourning. It’s really hard to not make this the “main thing”. 

But, if you are a follower of Jesus, it is not the main thing. Jesus was asked, what is the most important commandment,

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’Matthew 22:37-39

I am challenging myself and anyone reading this to really focus on keeping this the main thing. Think about the words you say when you talk about politics. Are they in line with loving God with all your heart and loving your neighbor as yourself?  Perhaps there is righteous anger rushing through your veins. Perhaps you feel that other people’s political stances are causing them to walk away from the teachings of Jesus. It is possible to chastise someone without disrespecting them. It is possible to remind others that we are called to love all people, and it’s possible to do it in a way that instead of feeling stung and guilty, they feel convicted and moved to change. In order to do that, we usually have to remove our own anger first and be motivated by love, not vindictiveness. 

So, that’s what I’m working on these days.

God Actually Loves Your Enemy

Yesterday I was reading the book “Chosen A Study of Esther” by Donna Snow and I have to admit, the author managed to really surprise me. We had just covered the section in Esther where Haman, the guy who is determined to commit genocide against the Jews, gets caught out and is about to receive just punishment. Then Ms Snow had us look up verses like Ezekiel 33:11

Say to them, ‘As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die, people of Israel?’

And 2 Peter 3:9

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

And Luke 15:7

I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

I can tell you honestly, that in all my years of reading the book of Esther, I have never stopped to think about God’s view of the wicked. His desire that the wicked would turn away from their evil and come to him. His longing for them to come to repentance. I think I’ve always just lived in that simplistic place where I presume someone is bad, deserving of punishment, and I just need to wait for God to hit the “smite” button. 

If you think too hard about it, then you might remember that verse in Romans 3:23,

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. 

And then realize that there is no difference between me and the most sinful person on earth. We are both deserving of punishment. And then at the same time remember that other verse, 

For God so loved the world [all people] that he gave his son that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

There’s been a lot going on in our country this month. We got a new president. He’s already done a lot of things that have people very divided in thought. Illegal immigrants  are a hot topic right now. Deportations. Who’s getting deported, who isn’t.  Why isn’t there a path to citizenship? Why should there be? Who deserves deportation and who doesn’t. And as usual, whenever something is controversial, people start posting memes and blanket statements and everyone gets riled up. 

As a Christian, I have a challenge. For those who profess Jesus as their Lord, I would challenge you to think about your words before posting or making public statements. I would challenge us to step back and remember that every single illegal immigrant in this country has a name, a story, and they have the eyes of God on them. And those eyes are full of love and compassion. 

I would say that when we speak harshly, rudely, disparagingly of any people, any demographic, anybody, we are not reflecting Jesus’ love and his heart for people. God is a God of mercy, he longs for each person in this world to turn to him and accept his love. Let’s not let our words and actions be a stumbling block that keep people away from God. 

Whether you think Trump is the devil or Jesus incarnate, if you profess to follow Jesus then people are watching you and your actions draw people to God or push them away. Jesus loves every single person on this earth, and he is merciful. Our words should always reflect this. Disparaging comments, disrespect, mocking, gloating, none of these things have a place in our walk with God. People who think differently from us are not our enemies. They are loved by God and our prayer needs to be that God will teach us how to love more deeply, more widely, more mercifully. 

I was shocked to be reminded that Haman also falls into the category of people that God wants to have mercy towards. Here’s some other people that fall into that category:

Israel

Hamas

Palestinians

LGBTQ

Democrats

Republicans

Black people

White people

Brown people

Poor people

People on Government Assistance

Illegal immigrants

Convicts

Homeless

Drug addicts

Politicians

Trump

Biden

Kamala Harris

People who carry guns

People who don’t carry guns

Vets

Pacificists

Let’s lift our eyes up off of all the chaos of this world and remember we are striving to be like Jesus. 

Swinging on the Pendulum

I have had a list of tasks slowly accumulating. All things that I don’t want to do and so I keep putting them off. Things like making a dentist appointment. Finding a new dentist for my kids. Calling a company about a bill. Deaing with insurance companies. Emailing someone. Calling my bank. 

My typical way of approaching these tasks is to ignore them as long as possible until the dread of facing consequences from not doing them outweighs the dread of actually doing them. 

And in the middle of all this inaction vs action, my brain keeps a tally. We did not do these things, take away points, we are obviously not worthy. We did things, add some points, we must be worthy! It’s an exhausting way to live and it’s something I’ve been struggling to break free of for years. The idea that we must somehow earn love and forgiveness and worth.  

Today, aside from doing things I didn’t want to do, I also did my reading from the book, “Chosen” by Donna Snow, a book I’m reading with a women’s Bible Study. It’s a study on Queen Esther, and it’s been enjoyable. Today’s topic was pride. Generally, Haman’s pride, but specifically, pride that we each deal with in our own lives. 

My mindset of earning my worth is all tied up in pride. I, because of all my good deeds, will be declared good enough. And when I’m having a bad day, I, with all my devastating failures, will never be declared good enough. 

Today, as I’ve swung back and forth on the pendulum of worthy and not worthy, I have heard the Holy Spirit asking me a question. Is what Jesus did on the cross enough? 

When I’m failing, feeling like a horrible parent, an inadequate wife, someone who is incapable of living a disciplined ordered life, is what Jesus did for me enough? Did his blood really cover all of my sins and wash me completely clean, or did it just take care of some of it? 

When I’m feeling like I’m on top of the world, accomplishing all the tasks, being superwoman, is what Jesus did on the cross enough? Do these things that I do make me more lovable, more saved, more righteous? 

I would say that the cure to pride is to take your eyes off of yourself and look instead at the one person who is worthy of all honor and glory. Jesus. He is the one who has declared us worthy, who sacrificed everything in order that we can be covered in his goodness. We can’t take away from what he did with our failures and we can’t add to what he did with our successes. Why am I worthy and loved? Because of Jesus. No other reason. Just Jesus. 

Needing Some Forgiveness for the New Year

It’s Sunday evening and I’m sitting in my living room, fire going, wrapped in a cozy blanket. Kids are reading, and skating, and playing loud instruments. Just another quiet evening at the Heneises. 

We’ve had a wonderful Christmas break. Lots of family time. For the most part everyone has managed to enjoy or at least put up with each other’s company. Apart from a couple days visiting grandparents, we’ve just been home. It has been a nice rest, but I’m ready for us to start back to our normal schedule tomorrow. 

It’s the beginning of the year and this is normally the time that we set goals, make plans, look forward with a hopeful list of all the things we want to accomplish. I couldn’t resist doing the same. I made a realistic exercise and diet plan to start on the first of the year. I followed the plan for day one, and then the next day came down with a really bad cold which wiped me out for the rest of the week. But, this is probably a good thing. I am realizing that I don’t want a “plan” or a “regimen” or anything like that. I want to head into this year making better choices every day. One step at a time. One day at a time. Not a set of rules, but rather a better mindset. 

As I’ve been sick these last several days, I’ve found myself all of a sudden remembering things I don’t want to remember from years ago. Remembering times I was especially selfish or stupid or mean. Remembering times I made really embarrassing mistakes. And I’m sitting here, years later, minding my own business, and all of a sudden I’m in that moment in my memories and my face turns red and I feel deep shame and I wish the earth would just open up and swallow me. Not fun. I was thinking about these horrible memories when we headed to church this morning. And then during the worship service over and over again there was the message of Jesus’ forgiveness and how it changes us and makes us new. We are forgiven. The past is in the past and we are moving forward into this new year, washed clean, filled with the Holy Spirit, following our Jesus  wherever he chooses to lead us.  

Forgiveness seems like a pretty relevant subject when you’re starting a new year. We want this coming year to be wonderful, we want our relationships to be healthy and fulfulling. We want work for our hands that gives us purpose and challenges us. We want to walk into this next year making great choices that will make us healthier and stronger and wiser. But, it’s hard to move into something new without addressing the old. If we want great relationships this year, we may need to go back and apologize for things we’ve done this past year. If we want our work to be purposeful and challenging, we might need to look back at why it wasn’t purposeful and challenging before. If we want to make better choices moving forward, we might need to make an honest assessment of the choices we made in the past that were more harmful than helpful so we can actually see what changes need to be made. And in the midst of all that looking back, we need to not sink into despair. We can ask Jesus to forgive us for the things we have done wrong and then we can move forward, learning from our mistakes and sins, and stepping into the new year with a clean slate. Ready to try again. 

So to all my fellow imperfect human beings, I wish you a Happy New Year. May you learn from the year we just finished, and may you seek and find the forgiveness that washes you clean and may this next year find you wiser and kinder and walking closer with Jesus.  

Share My Joy!

This morning I woke up at 4:30am, jerked awake by a million thoughts of all the things I need to get done. I checked my phone to see what time it was then lay back in bed, trying to make myself stop thinking so I could sleep more, but I finally gave up at 5:30am and just got up. Took a shower, got all my candles lit, put on Handel’s Messiah, snuggled up in the living room with a blanket and my dog and caught up on some Bible reading, while sipping a cup of tea. Pretty delightful actually.  

Now, I’ve got all the kids up, dressed, fed, lunches packed, homework in backpacks, younger kids delivered to their school, the teens’ vehicle filled with gas, confirmed report that they made it to school safely. Husband is out the door. My fire is going in my woodstove, snow is falling outside, my home is warm and cozy, Christmas music is playing and I have a deep desire to share all this peace and joy with everyone. 

In December we do an advent of a sort as a family. We have daily readings that we do followed with a little treat. This year we added reading through the book “The Heart of Jesus” by Dane Ortlund. Sitting every evening reading about Jesus’ constancy, his enduring love, his gentle and compassionate heart for us, has been wonderful. 

I become more and more aware of how richly blessed I am, and more and more aware that everything I have is because of Jesus. 

I am loved. I am accepted. I am able to use my gifts and talents daily to bless the people around me and bring joy to myself as well. 

My relationships are healthy. Not perfect, but when issues inevitably arise, I have God’s word and the Holy Spirit to help unravel any difficulties.  

I have hope for the future. I know that no matter what happens God is there and his plan will prevail. Death is not a scary prospect, rather it will be the moment that I will finally see Jesus face to face. 

I know that my children are in God’s hands and I can trust him with them. 

I have all that I need. And I have a long history on which to look back and see all the times God provided when we didn’t have the power to provide for ourselves. And that gives me confidence to not worry for future provision. 

I have peace in the storms. I have joy in the everyday things. 

I have Jesus. 

And it came to pass in those days that a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered. This census first took place while Quirinius was governing Syria. So all went to be registered, everyone to his own city.

Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed wife, who was with child. So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered.  And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. Luke 2:1-7

Jesus, the Son of God, came as a baby, lived the perfect life for us and then died as a sacrifice for our sins, then rose again on the third day so that we can have eternal life with him. He holds out his hand and says, 

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

My prayer for everyone is that this Christmas will be about knowing Jesus and resting in his forgiveness and truly earth-shattering love for us. 

Let’s Talk About Sex

Let’s talk about sex. Particularly, sex and entertainment. Sex is everywhere in our entertainment. Sex sells. Maybe the plot line in that show isn’t very strong, but throw in some beautiful actors and some steamy scenes and viewership will go up. The porn market has exploded, but even if you don’t engage in watching x-rated films or visiting elicit websites, sex is still everywhere. 

I have never enjoyed watching people on a screen make out or have sex. It makes me very uncomfortable and I will turn it off or look away. For myself, the place I get exposed to sex the most is in books. I am an avid reader. I have been a bookworm since second grade and have read every possible genre out there, except horror which has never attracted me. Because I read so much when I was young, my reading level was way above my age level and I read books aimed towards an adult audience pretty young. Growing up in a time where conversations about sex were taboo, finding glimpses of sex in books was very educational. I gleaned a lot of information through my reading. 

As an adult I found myself leaning towards romance books. I loved the stories. Silliness and fluff. But also a lot of insight into how our society views relationships between men and women. Maybe these stories were over-the-top unrealistic, but why did all the authors lean into the same tropes? What was it about these inflated, over the top relationships that kept pulling the readers in? What was it in these interactions that we the readers found so appealing? What hole in our heart, what longings were we trying to fill with these stories? 

While I enjoyed these stories, there were sex scenes. Generally, I could start reading a section and see what was about to happen, and flip a couple pages till we got past that little interlude and could get back to the story, but the scenes were there, and you couldn’t help taking in some of the details. 

And then, even if you’re not into romance books, there are the real-to-life books that have frank open treatment of sex, in an attempt to show the full extent of the character’s experiences. Perhaps it’s showing the horror of sexual abuse. Domestic violence. Betrayal. Or even what a really healthy relationship looks like. Authors have no problem sharing scenes that might not be meant to be titillating, but still hide very little details. 

So, as a Christian, what do we do about this? I can give you all the justifications for why it’s ok to be exposed to all this sex. I’ve been justifying it my whole life. It’s educational. I’m skipping the bad parts, it’s learning about the human experience. It’s art. It’s just silly entertainment, no harm. 

In the end I’ve had to come down to the question, what is this doing to my relationship with Jesus? Can I read this section in the book and then pray and talk to Jesus just like before? Or does there feel like there is a wall of guilt separating me? And the answer is, yes, this causes a separation, a hesitancy, between me and Jesus. 

This makes me think about 1 Corinthians 10:23  which says, “All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. 

I will tell you that for myself, I have found that an exposure to sex in books has not helped to build me up or draw me closer to Jesus. And I am sorry that my cavalier attitude towards sex in books may have been influential in convincing other people that reading those books was ok. 

And so, I lean heavily into God’s grace which he so freely gives, ask forgiveness, and pray that I will grow in my faith and cast down anything that hinders me from knowing Jesus more. 

Inevitable Grief

The last time I wrote I had a euphoric Monday and I felt joy bubbling through me and I wanted to share that in my post. But as I went to post my blog, I had a superstition-driven thought that if I post about how happy I am, then bad things are going to happen to make me not happy. And while I don’t believe in superstition, I also know that life is hard, things happen. So I wasn’t overly surprised when the very next day I took my elderly dog to the vet and found out that he has advanced stages of cancer. 

And then, when I said goodbye to my two daughters who moved out of state these past two weeks, I discovered that while I am happy for them, excited about their futures, when I hugged them goodbye and watched them walk out the door, my heart did take a blow. 

I look around me, the world is still a beautiful place. Even as I write at this moment I can see the setting sun lighting up the trees, making them glow, showing off all their oranges and reds and leftover tinges of green. And I know that Jesus and his creation is beautiful. I can hear my two little boys playing a game with their twenty-two year old brother, and I am thankful for my older children and their patience and love and care for their younger siblings. I am aware of how over-abundantly I am cared for. A warm, cozy home. A husband who loves me and takes care of his family. A church where I can experience God’s presence and hear his word taught. 

Joy is still present, hovering on the edges of my life, waiting to be noticed. But I realized today that I am holding a lot of tension in my body. 

When I found out about my dog, the vet said we have a maximum of six months left, but could be a lot less. She gave me some pain medicine to give him (which has really helped) and told me what to look for to know if he’s in pain. We don’t want him to suffer and plan to take him back to the vet before he reaches that point. But how do I know when it’s the right time? Right now, he’s happy to see the kids and sleeps most of the day, but he’s a really low-maintenance dog and doesn’t complain so I’m worried that I will miss out on some clue and might inadvertently let him suffer when he doesn’t need to. And I find myself tensing up. Stiffen that backbone. Don’t relax. Be on alert. Must keep the dog from suffering. Must prepare for the grief of the kids who have grown up with this dog and love him dearly. Brace myself. 

My daughters officially packed up and left. I stiffened my backbone. This is a normal part of parenthood, letting go. Must be there for them as they make this transition. Must help the kids deal with their grief as their sisters are no longer easily accessible. Must keep a positive face on it, the girls don’t need to feel any guilt about leaving, I must not show sadness or it might make them feel sad. Brace myself. 

We have an election this week. I stiffen my backbone. Don’t watch the news. Scroll past all the political posts on social media. Don’t engage. Try not to think about the months to come as the potential for drama is high as one side has to concede to the other. Brace myself. 

And I think all this tension has to do with my poor handling of emotions. I have a history of not doing hard emotions. I ignore them. Suppress them. Distract myself from them. Rush over them. And I am at a place in life where I now realize that repressing the hard emotions means also repressing the good emotions. And these hard emotions don’t go away, they just hide and wait, disguising themselves as anger and depression. So, I know that my method of dealing with hard emotions is not right, not healthy. But it’s a really hard habit to break. 

Frankly, I think what I need is a good cry. Release. Take a pause for sadness. When I think of grief I think of the biggest losses I can think of: death of a child, a parent, a spouse. Pain that is so deep we don’t even want to imagine it. But grief is also for the inevitable losses. The ones we know have to happen, there is no surprise or shock, but they are still heavy.  Saying goodbye to your children’s dog who has loved your family faithfully for twelve years. Saying goodbye to your beautiful wonderful daughters who have grown into amazing young women, ready to take on the world. Recognizing how unhealthy our political environment is in our country and just acknowledging how sad that is. 

“Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

So, I go into this next week with an odd prayer. Lord, let me be sad, let me feel. Let me un-stiffen my back bone and instead embrace the pain, trusting that it’s ok to feel these emotions, that truly, this is the only way forward. Knowing that joy still hovers on the edges, waiting for it’s time.