Tag: God is faithful

One Minute at a Time, Sweet Jesus…

Do any of you know that Gospel song that goes, “One day at a time, Sweet Jesus, that’s all I ask of you…” ? It was very popular where I was growing up in Eastern Kentucky. I know the melody of the song, but that line is the only lyrics I remember. I tend to sing it in my head when I’m feeling overwhelmed. 

 

Right now, where we are in our craziness, I’ve had to change the words to “ One Minute at a time, Sweet Jesus…” Cause, one day is just too much to have to think about. I’m down to one minute increments. 

 

There’s a meme I love: 

adulthood

I am so guilty of this. I’m just waiting for things to slow down a bit…As soon as things calm down a bit… I’m just waiting for this crazy period to be over…

 

I mentioned this to my husband a month ago and he looked at me in disbelief. “Sweetie, this is life. This, what we have right now. It’s never going to slow down. It’s just going to get worse.” 

 

I, of course, didn’t want to hear that. I’m still hanging on to that hope. So far, I have been wrong and my husband has been right. But still, just give it another couple weeks, right? 

 

When I was younger I used to wish that I knew the future. If only I knew… Sometimes I wished that God would send a prophet to me who would give me a very detailed accounting of what my future held. 

 

Yeah. 

 

I don’t think that way anymore. 

 

Now, I know that God doesn’t tell me the future, because if he did, I would have run away in sheer terror. I would have seen the huge load that I am carrying now and figured that there was no way I could do something like that. And, in a sense, I would have been right. Esther from twenty years ago could not have handled what Esther in the present is doing. But, Esther from twenty years ago, also didn’t have that twenty years of growth and strengthening. 

 

There’s a reason we can’t see the future. 

 

Right now, even the future of several hours is overwhelming me. How do I get all this stuff done today? I find that if I start looking forward, even a couple hours, my anxiety levels rise. But, if I can stay in the moment, I’m ok. Right now, all I need to do is sit here with my children while they go to sleep and write my blog. That’s as far as I’m going to think. I can handle that task. After this task I will tackle the next one. One moment at a time. There are a bunch of internet quotes out there about how Tomorrow doesn’t exist, we only have the present. While I hold to the idea that Jesus holds all time in his hands, the Bible has a lot to say about worrying about tomorrow and how pointless that is. Jesus said: 

 

“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

 

We are called to stay present. In-the-moment. Don’t worry. Don’t be anxious. 

 

I am taking this to the next level. I’m not going to worry about this afternoon, or tonight. I’m just going to stay in the moment. One minute at a time. I only get overwhelmed when I try to look into the future. I forget that by the time I reach that Future Moment, even if it’s just half a day away, I will be a stronger person, ready to handle those challenges. I am stronger because each moment I choose to remain calm instead of panicking, each moment I choose to do the hard thing instead of the easy thing…I am strengthening my faith, I am proving to myself that Yes, I can do this, and Yes, God is faithful. 

 

And so, as life seems to speed up faster and faster and faster, I will simply take it one step, one minute at a time. 

 

Last Day of the Year

It is the last day of the year. Last blog of the year. Last post of the year. 

 

Every time we have a “last” we always feel like it should be extremely profound. Well, it’s the last day of the year. I’m doing laundry today. We’re going to clean the house. I’ve got to do a bit of grocery shopping. This evening we’ll have some pizza and the teens are going to have some friends over to watch movies. On the surface, none of that is profound. It’s very mundane. 

 

But, let’s dig a bit deeper. I’m going to spend the day taking care of my family and my children and our home. It’s a good family. It’s a good home. I am very blessed to be able to have this family. In fact, I would say that puttering around my house with a bunch of children is kind of along the same line as being the curator of a large treasury. My sole job is to keep the diamonds polished and make sure the gold is lined up just right. So, yeah, it’s actually a pretty profound way to end the year. 

 

I’ve been trying to do a little reflection, think back on the year, what stood out? I was looking at my blog posts for the year…glancing at the titles, what did I write about this year? I think if I needed to sum up the year, I would say it has been a year of going deeper. A year when I was able to spend time thinking about issues, people, books, politics, how does all this fit with Jesus and the Bible…I was able to engage with these subjects and go a bit deeper instead of skimming along on the surface. For an introspective introvert like me, who tends to live inside her head, that actually made it a really great year. 

 

It’s been a year of not hiding. Sharing my thoughts with others. Giving real answers to the “How are you doing?” question. That’s been a challenge. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written a blog, hit post, shared on FB, and then gone into a complete panic. Wondering if I should just erase the whole thing. DELETE! DELETE! Please know that I have not shared lightly. It has often been a major victory for me to hit the POST button. 

 

It has been a year of Overwhelming Grace. Looking back at all that has happened this year, the main theme I see is God granting strength and patience, endurance, provision. His hand always tightly wound up in every single detail. 

 

It’s also been a year of Seeing. Seeing the beauty in the every-day moments. The sunshine hitting that tree just-so. The dark clouds forming that geometric pattern. That tiny wildflower hidden in the grass. The kindness of a stranger at the store. The rich community feeling while standing in line at the bank. It’s kind of been like turning on the light switch in a dark room and realizing that you’ve been standing in an art gallery all along. Who knew all this beauty was just sitting here, waiting to be seen? 

 

It’s been a year of slowly blossoming friendship. Getting to know some of you much better online. Getting to know some of my old friends much better as we’ve carved out time to just be together. And realizing that all these friendships have always been waiting right here, it just took me making it a priority to seek them out at a deeper level. 

It’s been a good year. I am thankful. 

My blessing for all of you for this next year comes from the Bible, Numbers 6: 24-26:

“The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you;  The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace.”

 

Thoughts On Depression

Many of you know that I only recently came out of a long depression. It was not fun. I hope I never go through that again. But, God was faithful. During that time of depression God helped me to face some demons I had been trying to ignore for years. He helped me take some time off from life to think through the past and the present and perhaps take hold of some hope for the future.

I know that many people suffer from depression. And I think that the population of people that don’t understand depression is probably pretty small. But, I think it is always encouraging when you hear about someone else who has been on the same journey as yourself. It makes you feel less isolated, less like a strange foreign being, when you realize that your experience is shared with others. I recently picked up a book by Christian author Philip Yancey called “Reaching for the Invisible God”. I am only about six chapters in, it is heavy reading, but I can’t tell you how encouraging it has been to read about someone else’s doubts and trials and realize that I am not alone in my questions and worries.  

During my depression, God never “healed” me. He never gave me a special touch where I then walked away full of joy and confidence. Instead he just walked with me. He never left me. I cried out to him and he was always there. He didn’t fix me. He knew there were a lot of things I needed to face and deal with and for some reason, I wasn’t willing to deal with the baggage when I was happy and content. I am not saying that God made me depressed. I am rather saying that he allowed me to deal with the natural consequences of a stressful life that never stopped to reflect and never stopped to deal with painful things, trying to ignore them instead. Pain doesn’t go away. It has to be faced head on. If not, it just keeps resurfacing, usually at very inconvenient times.

Looking back I can now say I am thankful for my period of depression. I am thankful that God used that time to lead me down a path of healing. Am I now all fixed and better? No. I don’t think that will happen till I get to heaven.  I am more aware though of my tendencies to hide from hard things, and I have more courage to face those hard things as they show up in my life. I also have a much better understanding of how important it is to face those hard things instead of trying to ignore them into nonexistence.

I would like to add that I did not travel this path alone. My husband offered me the gift of understanding and zero expectations. My children offered me the gift of patience and unconditional love. My doctor offered me the gift of teaching me to set small goals so that I could get through one day at a time. My church family offered me the gift of prayer and encouraging words, and physical help when needed. My Facebook friends offered me the gift of kind understanding words, and a small group of women whom I met with weekly, offered me the gift of listening. I am so thankful for my community that helped carry me through.

I found the following reflection that I wrote when I was deep in my depression, fighting every day to keep thoughts of suicide at bay, fighting every day to hang on to hope. In the midst of the storm God gave me moments of peace that carried me through….

I am standing in my dining room, looking out the window, watching the last light of the sunset filter through the trees. The naked branches of the trees show up black against the lighter sky, and it speaks of winter. The sky is slowly turning to my favorite color of indigo. My children are running around, playing a game that involves a lot of jumping and yelling. The baby is in his high chair talking to the world at large. All the sounds fade as I look outside. I can see the rope swing swaying in the breeze and as it becomes darker outside, the lights of my house seem more and more cheerier. My husband has walked across the street to buy some corn chips to go with the big pot of chili I’m about to serve for supper. I am at peace.

Yesterday was a difficult day as my depression sunk me so low I did not think I could ever pull myself up again. But today. Today, God has been faithful. Faithful to simply show me the goodness around me. The delight of hearing my children laugh and play. The comfort of sitting next to a burning fire. The solid rightness of having my husband come in the house after a long day of work. My soul is comforted. Our advent verse tonight was Psalm 84:11 “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.”  I feel the warmth and life that God provides seeping into my soul. I feel him working as a shield on my behalf as I grapple with heavy questions that weigh me down.

My thoughts and prayers are with those right now who are suffering from depression. I don’t have any easy answers or 1,2,3 steps to getting through depression. I can only give my testimony that God was faithful and stayed with me and he used the people around me to help me. I pray that he will do the same for you.