Tag: God is good

O Taste and See

Today is one of those days when all the colors are brighter. The grass is greener, the sky is more blue, the wind seems sweeter. Everything is beautiful. 

I had to take my son to a doctor’s appointment first thing this morning. Then I had to come up with a menu and go grocery shopping. And then unload the car. And put everything away. And make sure everyone had food to eat. And chores got done. And had to order a new latch for the lid of my washing machine so it would start working again. And on and on, etc, etc. But, in between all the mundane tasks, I keep looking up and seeing trees covered in rustling green clothes, swaying in the wind. The bird singing extra loud. The clouds exceptionally white and fluffy. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Psalm 34:8

One of my boys went on a playdate this afternoon and the other one was feeling lonely so he asked if we could walk down to the park close to our house. I said sure and packed a little bag with a water bottle and a book to read, thinking I’d sit back and enjoy that while he played on the playground. But when we got there he was the only child there and it was obvious he wanted my attention. So I put the book away and made an effort to be present with him. We quickly abandoned the playground and went and walked around the man-made pond in the center of the park. There were geese and ducks and we spent a lot of time watching them and meandering around the pond. The park is not fancy, and the pond’s water is a bit scary, not something you would want to fall into. But, today the park was beautiful. And I cherished the time with my son. 

Days like today are gifts. Days where you can see. You can see how breath-taking this world is that we live in. You can see how precious the people around you are. You can see what a miracle and blessing our everyday lives are. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Psalm 34:8

There are so many worries and stresses in our lives. It is overwhelming. Tomorrow I will go back to worrying about all the minutiae of my life, the burdens my city bears, the fears and tragedies of the nations. Those haven’t gone away. And there is a time and a place to throw everything we have at those problems facing our world.  But right now, I just want to stay in this moment, where the world is a masterpiece, my children are the most wondrous of jewels, and I know that God is here, I can feel his presence in the breeze blowing across my face. And it’s that joy and peace that I need, so I can take them into tomorrow where all the troubles wait for me, and I can face them from a place of goodness. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Psalm 34:8

Christmas and Revelation

It’s Christmas Eve. I’m sitting in my robe in my kitchen, waiting for a bread pudding to come out of the oven. After some consideration, I came to the conclusion that bread pudding actually has less sugar and more eggs than french toast or pancakes, and thus is actually a perfectly acceptable breakfast food. 😀 I lit my candles, and shared a hot drink with my husband before he headed out to work. Now two of my daughters have joined me, cheerfully chattering. 

My list for today is reasonable and we will end the evening with a Christmas Eve service at the Lutheran church where my children attend school. All is Merry and Bright. 

Set against this scene was my Bible reading this morning. I am doing a Bible reading plan with our church where we are reading through the New Testament and Psalms. We have stuck it out all year and are finally wrapping up our reading with the book of Revelation. It is a very jarring book to read at Christmas time. It feels so at odds with our celebrations. 

If you are thinking about the story of our deliverance, Christmas is the beginning. (Though the entire Old Testament is a looking forward to this deliverance). And then Revelation is the end. Jesus returns, judgement is passed, sin and death end, we move forward into the glorious future Jesus has planned for us. But first we have to get through some serious suffering and hardship as it all comes to pass. 

I am sitting here wondering why we need to read Revelation at Christmas time, and this is what has occurred to me. 

This Christmas has been really wonderful. And I keep comparing it to past Christmases. I remember when money was a lot shorter and tighter and our Christmas shopping mostly happened at the thrift stores. Or those times when the only extra money for Christmas came from a Christmas bonus check that we only got a day or two before Christmas day, and then the very rushed shopping expeditions as I tried to find presents two days before Christmas. I remember trying to have Christmas trees with babies and toddlers who were determined to pull every ornament off the tree and try their very hardest to pull the whole tree down on top of themselves. I remember trying to do nightly advent readings with a whole gaggle of small, impatient children who didn’t want to sit still and listen. I remember the chaos of trying to keep the house clean and beautiful with Christmas decorations while the children came along behind me, flinging toys and books left and right, spilling drinks and crumbs on my freshly swept floors. And while those memories are full of joy and fondness, I am really enjoying this Christmas where my children are old enough to help keep things tidy, sit still for our advent readings, and I am not feeling overly stressed financially. 

Looking back actually makes this present moment even sweeter. 

Perhaps it’s the same for Christmas. Looking back, and forward, makes the meaning of Christmas even richer. We look back and see how lost we were in our sins, stuck in a constant cycle of death and destruction. We look forward and see that one day, all the sin in the world will be punished, justice will finally come, and for those who claim this free gift of deliverance, paradise is waiting. Which makes Christmas, the time we celebrate that Jesus came to earth as a baby to begin his ministry of deliverance, so much sweeter. 

Perhaps Revelation and Christmas do go together. Merry Christmas everyone, I pray it will be a joyous season for you, whether this is a time of struggling or a time of peace. God is good all the time, past, present and future.

Good Chris­tian men, re­joice
With heart and soul, and voice;
Give ye heed to what we say:
News! News! Je­sus Christ is born to­day;
Ox and ass be­fore Him bow;
And He is in the man­ger now.
Christ is born to­day!
Christ is born to­day!

Good Chris­tian men, re­joice,
With heart and soul and voice;
Now ye hear of end­less bliss:
Joy! Joy! Je­sus Christ was born for this!
He has op­ened the heav­en­ly door,
And man is blest for­ev­er­more.
Christ was born for this!
Christ was born for this!

Good Chris­tian men, re­joice,
With heart and soul and voice;
Now ye need not fear the grave:
Peace! Peace! Je­sus Christ was born to save!
Calls you one and calls you all,
To gain His ev­er­last­ing hall.
Christ was born to save!
Christ was born to save!

Good Christian Men Rejoice
Words by Heinrich Suso
Translated by John Neale

It’s Been a While

Hello Everyone. It’s been a while. I hope you all are well. I know I’ve not been consistently writing since January. I needed a break, and now I’m excited to have a place to share again. 

It’s summer here and school is out for a couple months. I purposefully did not make a lot of plans for the summer, but despite that, our schedule has still filled up so that my monthly calendar on the kitchen wall is filled with writing. 

This is the first summer in four years that it’s just our family. No foster kids. No other people staying with us. Just us. My oldest daughter came home for the summer which is an added bonus. My son who is in the army is now in Washington State and my seventeen year old is about to launch from the house for a summer of outreach all over the world. But, everyone else is close. It feels decadent. Rich. Luxurious. Just me and my family. It’s not a place I want to stay. I want to be someone who has a heart for people and is always helping in some way. But right now, this feels like a very necessary and very wonderful step in healing and recovering to just have a summer to breathe deeply, move slowly, and enjoy my family. 

This past year was kind of a double whammy for me. My youngest child entered school for the first time, and then after three years, at Christmas, my foster daughter returned to her own home. Two of the big things that identified me, stay-at-home mom of young children, and foster mom, were suddenly gone. Looking back, I can say that I have been mourning the loss of those roles. But, while I was in the middle of it, I wasn’t able to think clearly enough to say, YOU ARE MOURNING, and it’s normal, and you’ll be ok. Instead I just felt a bewildering combination of anger, sadness, depression, and numbness. Lost. 

I hope I can write more about that journey in the future. Right now I still feel like I’m in a discovery phase where I’ve got to figure out what this next stage of life looks like. Still a stay-at-home mom, but the kids need different things now. Not a foster mom any more, but still in contact with my foster daughter. My family still needs me, but I now have bigger chunks of time where I could do other things too. I’m praying for direction. But also feeling that right now I’m still in the resting stage. I’ve signed up to teach piano lessons one day a week at my church’s homeschooling Co-op and that will start in the fall. I’m excited about that. Something to look forward to. But I’m glad I’ve still got summer to enjoy before that begins. 

So, consider this the catch-up blog. I tell you why I’ve been gone and that I plan to start writing again. And then next time, I can just jump back into all the things I’ve thought about sharing with you all over the past months. I’ve read some good books I’d love to rant about. God has been gracious and merciful in so many ways. My kids have been up to the normal funny kid antics. I can’t wait to share! See you again soon. 

The Christmas Newsletter

Hello Everyone, I know it’s been a while since I’ve written, and while I’m not yet at a place where I’m going to be writing regularly I wanted to give you all an update on life. 

December 11th, we went to court and our foster daughter was reunited with her birth family. It’s been a three year journey and we are happy at how it has all ended, but our family is going through a transition period. 

We had a rough Fall with some tragedy in the family from which we are still picking up the pieces.

My oldest son joined the army and I’ve had to wrap my head around that reality. But, he’s home for Christmas so that is wonderful. 

Both my husband and I had relatives pass away.  

My kids have been attending a small private Christian school and it has been a wonderful experience for them. They have blossomed. It has been a joy to see them do well in their school work, make good friends, get involved in school sports and just come home happy every day. 

My older kids continue to be awesome, working hard, pursuing their goals. 

I am in the December crunch, trying to manage everyone’s schedules, all the extra events and activities. Make all the festivities happen for the family. It’s busy, but a fun kind of busy. I do feel like I’m in a race though as we approach the last week till Christmas and I still haven’t finished all my Christmas shopping. Oh well. It will happen somehow and all come together at the last minute as usual. 

All my kids will be home for Christmas and I plan on just basking in togetherness these next couple weeks. 

I’ve thought about my blog off and on but have had no words to share. The reunification process of our foster daughter was pretty intense and now I feel like I’ve been carrying around a 100 pound weight for three years and suddenly it’s gone and I’m not sure what to do with myself. When I think about writing the only word that comes to my mind is Rest. So, that is what I plan on doing for the immediate future. Just let all these things settle into place in my mind and soul. 

I just want to let you all know that God is good. He has carried me through some pretty crazy situations. He has strengthened me and enabled me to do some really hard things. His grace and peace have covered me in the lowest valleys. I am overwhelmed at his goodness to me. I am excited to see what the future holds. And right now I plan on focusing on my family, celebrating Jesus, and resting. 

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and take some time to ponder and wonder at how loved you are by God. 

The Sufferings of Christ

It’s been a long, painful week. Stuff happened. As it seems want to do. 

I live in my imagination a lot, and what I imagined at the beginning of the week was myself, a gunshot wound to my chest, bleeding all over, entering into the throne room of God and just collapsing on the floor in front of him. No words to say. Just, here I am. Here’s what shape I’m in.  And while I was laying there imagining this, the phrase that came to my mind was, “Enter into the sufferings of Christ”. 

I’ve been thinking about that phrase all week. My imaginary hole in my chest has been bound, wrapped up in bandages. Healing medicine poured over it. I’m still walking slowly and carefully, feeling very fragile, but I’m whole. And I keep circling back. What does that mean? Why do I have to enter into the sufferings of Christ? What is the point? 

My prayer over the years has been, make me more like you Jesus. More of you, less of me. I admit, when I say that, what I mean is, I want to be more loving, more patient, more kind, more selfless, etc. I was not thinking of these verses from Isaiah 53, verse 3 and 4:

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted.

Familiar with pain. Took up our pain. Bore our suffering. 

No, I was definitely not thinking about that when I said I wanted to be more like Jesus. 

My husband and I have done some soul searching this week. Questioning some of our choices. If a choice leads to pain and suffering then it has to be wrong, right? But I keep coming back to the fact that we made these choices because we felt it was an obedience to God and what the Bible teaches. And it still led to suffering. And that kind of hurts the brain.  

Enter into the sufferings of Christ. In doing this, does this mean that I am becoming more like Jesus? Not only sharing in his joy and love but in his pain and suffering?

When I hit my crisis it wasn’t long before I turned to one of my friends for help and comfort. And yes, she’s a close friend so I would have turned to her first anyway, but it was so much more meaningful because I knew she had been in a similar situation to mine. She could empathize and give good counsel. She had already suffered through this and could meet me exactly where I was at. And she was kind of a physical Jesus to me in my sufferings. Only possible because she had suffered herself. Does suffering make us more able to be the hands and feet of Jesus? 

Through all of this, I can testify. God is faithful. He heals the brokenhearted. He breathes hope on my soul. When I am at my lowest, I find his presence the strongest. The Holy Spirit has been faithful to whisper scripture in my ear that has kept me from falling into anger or judgement. 

Funnily enough, God was gracious enough to allow me to get Covid this week. Yeah, who needs covid? But, because of that I have been able to cancel a multitude of appointments, completely clear my schedule and just have time to rest and process. I’m still getting better, but my husband only had to take one day off to take care of the kids and household before I had enough energy to cover the basics again. 

Enter into the sufferings of Christ. I’m still figuring out what this means, but what I do know is that it is a journey that makes me more like Him. And that is what I want. 

Morning Glories

My daughter wrote a story about someone who sinks into deep depression and then slowly, slowly, pulls out of it. And the story uses the Morning Glory flower as a symbol of hope. When I read the story I found myself sobbing, recognizing myself in the main character. Finally acknowledging the numbness that had taken over my life, which I had grimly tried to ignore as I pushed through each day, determined to not let my family down. And I was filled with a tiny spark of hope. Yes, you can pull yourself through. Depression does go away. Life returns. 

Since I’ve read that story I have been seeing Morning Glories everywhere. As I was driving down the road to take my kids to school, there, look, Morning Glories covering a fence. Hope. As I took a walk, there, look, Morning Glories in the neighbor’s yard. Hope. And yesterday when I found myself actually having the motivation to get out into my yard with my kids, play with them, plant some things, I found Morning Glories in the very back corner of the yard, a place I usually don’t go. And I laughed and took a picture and I knew that it was no longer a spark, but a full blown flame. Hope. 

I went on a retreat several weeks ago. During the retreat I dealt with some old wounds. Or at least, started dealing. And I found myself feeling emotions again. Sure, it was anger and pain, but I was feeling again. I read somewhere that in order to feel joy and happiness we have to allow ourselves to feel anger and pain. When we stuff the bad emotions we end up in a place where all our emotions are flat. We can’t have the good without letting ourselves feel the bad too. As I have allowed myself to process the hard emotions, I have found the lighter ones returning. 

After the retreat I felt myself going silent. I needed a break from words, from thoughts, from interacting with people. I needed to just sit and feel and mourn and heal. And that’s why there haven’t been any new blogs in a while. I didn’t let it bother me. I knew the words would come back when I was ready. And this morning I felt the familiar itch to put my thoughts down where I could see them. And it’s good to be writing again. 

We’ve had a lot going on in the family the last couple months. Made some big decisions about our kids’ schooling. My third child graduated high school. We got to have a mini family reunion as I had all my kids in one place for the graduation. And now summer is going full force as I try to keep track of everyone’s summer plans with kids going in all directions. I am living one day at a time. Welcoming joy back into my life. Keeping an eye out for Morning Glories. And, as always, resting in the fact that God is good. 

Giving Testimony in the Messiness

A friend recently exhorted in his writing that we should give our testimony often. And it’s funny, because I had something good happen, and I thought, I should give testimony about that! But, then that something good twisted and ended up not being so great. And my desire to share kind of faded away. Because it didn’t turn out all smooth and neat the way I was hoping. It’s still messy. Still incomplete. Still a work in progress. But there is so much to give testimony about, especially in the messiness! 

Once again, it’s been a rough week. At one point in time, I felt like I had walked to the very edge of the abyss and was looking down at the sure promise of great sorrow and anguish. And I had no words to pray. I found my mind just repeating over and over again, Mercy Lord. Have Mercy. And the analytical side of my brain chimed in, “Why are you saying that over and over again?” and the parable that Jesus told about the widow who nagged the Judge for justice came to mind. I will nag and nag and nag until I get justice simply because the judge is tired of my nagging. Except it wasn’t justice I wanted. Just mercy. 

And God was merciful. In small measures. 

The situation is not resolved. I don’t have a tidy neat package where I can point and say, Look, a miracle! Isn’t God good! 

Instead I have the testimony that I am alive and moving. My children are alive and moving. Hope still reigns. I am still determinedly putting one foot in front of the other. The world is still turning. Night and Day are still happening. There is beauty in each day, along with sorrow. God’s word is still true. His promises still stand. 

And so I stand in the Assembly and give my testimony of God’s goodness to me today. My eternity is secure. I am not alone. And each day I move an inch or two closer to knowing more about God and his goodness. 

Urgent Prayer Need

My parents have covid. My dad has the covid pneumonia and has been put into a Covid Unit. My mom is not as sick and is recuperating at home. 

I need to write. My emotions are hitting all four points of the compass and I think several parts of my brain have just shut down temporarily. 

Please pray for our family. 

Right now I need to be in three different places at once and the levels of priority are slight and nuanced and so there is no clear path to figure out where I should be. At this very minute in time, my oldest son is staying with his grandmother to take care of her. My father is holding steady. And so I am doing what is in front of me. Unpacking after vacation. Getting kids ready for school which starts in a week. Buying groceries, school supplies, school clothes. One foot in front of the other. Texting a million people. Talking to nurses. Checking in with everybody often. 

I’m clinging hard to Jesus. Clinging to his promises. I know my father is saved and whenever his life ends here on earth, he will be with Jesus in eternity. I know that God knows we’re not ready for that to happen yet. I know that my Mom is in God’s hands. But I hate seeing her suffer. I know that sickness is not a punishment, just part of living in this fallen world. But I also know God can heal. I know that God is good. I know that I am loved and not alone. But my adrenaline is pumping hard and I feel like it’s me versus Covid as I try to make everything better for my parents. Long to make everything better. 

I need wisdom. The doctors need wisdom. My whole family needs wisdom. And Peace. Please pray that we can keep our eyes focused on Jesus as we navigate this horrible time. 

Is God Safe?

I saw the question the other day, Is God safe? And it’s really got me thinking. Probably because the word “safe” had already been on my mind. The google dictionary defines safe as:

Safe: adjective; protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost.

If this is the definition we are using, then I would say emphatically that God is NOT safe. No, I don’t think he will harm me or lose me, but danger and risk seem to be a big part of following God. 

Think of the phrase Safety Zone and you see what I mean. My experience in following God is continually being forced out of my safety zone. Pushed into new relationships, new situations, new ways of doing life. And my life is richer, fuller, more exciting, more fulfilling, healthier. But not safer. 

A bible verse has been running through my head this week.

The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe. Proverbs 18:10

When I think about this verse I think about medieval peasants running to their overlord’s fortress because their village is under attack. The fortress is safety. The overlord offers safety, but in a fierce Warrior kind of way. The “I will ride out and defeat our enemies” kind of way. The overlord is dangerous, strong, to be respected and obeyed. He offers safety. But I wouldn’t describe him as “safe”. 

C.S. Lewis wrote a children’s series called Narnia. In the series Jesus is allegorically portrayed as a Lion named Aslan. In the book “The Horse and His Boy” one of the characters (a talking horse) sees Aslan for the first time.

“Then Hwin, though shaking all over, gave a strange little neigh and trotted across to the Lion. “Please,” she said, “you‘re so beautiful. You may eat me if you like. I’d sooner be eaten by you than fed by anyone else.”

I feel like this quote really sums up the question, Is God safe? God is Creator. Almighty, Powerful. He is Good. He is King. He is Sovereign. He is Fierce and Strong. But he’s also Gentle and Meek. Kind. Compassionate. Slow to Anger. Abounding in Love. Merciful. 

In the end my posture is “God, you are good. You are beautiful. I worship you. I trust you with my life. But I also give up all rights to self-governance. I’m not in control anymore. You are. And I have no guarantees that you will make things turn out the way I want them. But I would rather die a martyr serving you than sit safe in my home without you.” 

God is not safe. But he is good. And he offers us the life that we were created to live. 

Story Work

This past weekend I went on a Story Retreat with the Look Inside ministry (Look Inside). Five women came together at a beautiful retreat center and we explored our childhood stories that have had a big impact on whom we’ve become as adults. 

Today I was listening to Psalm 103, put to music. And it feels like that Psalm sums up my weekend.  It’s a long Psalm so I won’t put the whole thing here. Here’s a link, you can go read it real quick: Psalm 103 

As a father has compassion on his children,

    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,

    he remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103:13-14

I would say Compassion is what I have been feeling. God’s compassion on me, first of all just to open the door for me to attend the retreat. I hadn’t made any plans to go, but at the last moment, was offered a free, already paid spot. And my schedule was open. And my husband was willing to hold down the fort. 

I felt God’s compassion to put me in a safe place with women who listened, showed compassion and respect, and spoke healing words. 

I felt his Compassion as I soaked in the beautiful surroundings: the everchanging sky, majestic trees, green fields and hills. 

I felt his Compassion as I ate delicious food prepared by someone else, planned by someone else, a much-appreciated break for a mom of a large family. 

I felt his Compassion in the kind words spoken to me by the other women. 

And maybe one of the most wonderful ways he showed his Compassion was at the end of a long day as we had all dug into hard places and done some hard work as we waded through the mess…at the end of that day we were planning to do something fun to decompress and out on our balcony we saw the most amazing beautiful rainbow I have ever seen. From our viewpoint, we were right in the center of the rainbow and it perfectly arched over our view of the lake and the hills. And then, a double rainbow appeared, And THEN, the rainbow just kept getting brighter and brighter and brighter and it lasted a LONG time. And it felt like a blessing being spoken over us as we stood and watched the colors shimmering in the air. 

But from everlasting to everlasting

    the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,

    and his righteousness with their children’s children—

with those who keep his covenant

    and remember to obey his precepts.

Psalm 103: 17-18

I feel renewed. Refreshed. (Though I will qualify that, some of it is the refreshing you get after going to the dentist. It was painful, but necessary, and things feel a lot better afterwards!) 

I also kind of feel off-kilter, like the day after a funeral, but also, like the day after giving birth. Because really, that is what story work is about. Naming and mourning what was taken from you. And then walking into new hope as you learn how to step out of those dangerous mindsets that entrapped you so early, and step into a more truthful and healthier way of doing life. It was hard work and it was wholesome work and I feel the goodness of God for allowing me to do it. 

“Bless the LORD O my soul: and all that is within me bless his holy name.” Psalm 103:1 (KJV)