I went and bought glasses yesterday. Paid for an eye exam first, then took my prescription over to Sam’s Club and picked out some glasses and paid for them. It was a lot of money. It felt a little overwhelming to be handing over that much money in one transaction. And I found myself muttering to the universe-at-large an apology for costing so much money. Which then drew me up short. Why was I feeling the need to apologize for buying myself glasses? 

I have started reading a new devotional book by my pastor, Mark Medley, called The Trinity Trilogy. It’s a daily devotional, going through the persons of the Trinity. I’m on day nine and it has been a really good experience. I find myself looking forward to my devotional time. I think the reason for that is, first, we read a good chunk of scripture, not just a random verse, but also because he asks some pretty hard heart questions every day to think about. The first section of the book is on the Father. Day three focuses on having an orphan heart versus being a true son and daughter. 

As I thought about my guilt over buying glasses, this theme about orphan hearts came to mind. I definitely struggle in this area. I was thinking about how, if I had to spend this glasses money on someone I didn’t know well, I could see myself feeling a little resentful that so much of our family resources were not going to the family. But, if I was buying this for my children, I would just be relieved that I had the money to spend and that my child now had what they needed. Their happiness would be my happiness, because I always want them to have everything they need. 

As a mom of many who has lived on a tight budget for a long time, it’s hard to remember that my famly feels the same way about me. If I have what I need, they are happy too. And it’s an even bigger stretch to realize that God feels that way about me too. 

I am very accustomed to being the parent. The one who’s job it is to make sacrifices so the kids can have what they need. It’s hard to remember that I am God’s daughter. And he actually wants me to have everything I need too. And it makes him happy when my needs are met as well. (That last sentence was hard to write!)

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:9-11

I’ll admit, I have never had a problem talking to Jesus. And my church has done a great job in helping me understand and enjoy the role of the Holy Spirit in my life, but knowing God as Father feels like the last hurdle. And oddly, I feel like this last year he has been slowly revealing himself to me as Father through taking care of my needs. Needs that I can’t live without, like food and shelter, but also the needs of my heart to have community, to be able to participate in music again, to find places where I can have deep discussions and exercise my brain. I keep getting surprised at how gracious he is being to me, and thankful, and a little uncertain as to what to do with all this goodness. 

My glasses are supposed to be ready in a week or so. I can’t wait to have unscratched lenses and a new prescription that won’t have me squinting at things. I told my husband how much I had spent on glasses and he frowned, then said, I should probably go buy one more pair as a back up. And it made me smile and feel loved and taken care of. Just like my Father wants me to feel. 

By the way, I highly recommend The Trinity Trilogy by Mark Medley. Just google it, there’s several places you can buy it.