Tag: Jesus is enough

Swinging on the Pendulum

I have had a list of tasks slowly accumulating. All things that I don’t want to do and so I keep putting them off. Things like making a dentist appointment. Finding a new dentist for my kids. Calling a company about a bill. Deaing with insurance companies. Emailing someone. Calling my bank. 

My typical way of approaching these tasks is to ignore them as long as possible until the dread of facing consequences from not doing them outweighs the dread of actually doing them. 

And in the middle of all this inaction vs action, my brain keeps a tally. We did not do these things, take away points, we are obviously not worthy. We did things, add some points, we must be worthy! It’s an exhausting way to live and it’s something I’ve been struggling to break free of for years. The idea that we must somehow earn love and forgiveness and worth.  

Today, aside from doing things I didn’t want to do, I also did my reading from the book, “Chosen” by Donna Snow, a book I’m reading with a women’s Bible Study. It’s a study on Queen Esther, and it’s been enjoyable. Today’s topic was pride. Generally, Haman’s pride, but specifically, pride that we each deal with in our own lives. 

My mindset of earning my worth is all tied up in pride. I, because of all my good deeds, will be declared good enough. And when I’m having a bad day, I, with all my devastating failures, will never be declared good enough. 

Today, as I’ve swung back and forth on the pendulum of worthy and not worthy, I have heard the Holy Spirit asking me a question. Is what Jesus did on the cross enough? 

When I’m failing, feeling like a horrible parent, an inadequate wife, someone who is incapable of living a disciplined ordered life, is what Jesus did for me enough? Did his blood really cover all of my sins and wash me completely clean, or did it just take care of some of it? 

When I’m feeling like I’m on top of the world, accomplishing all the tasks, being superwoman, is what Jesus did on the cross enough? Do these things that I do make me more lovable, more saved, more righteous? 

I would say that the cure to pride is to take your eyes off of yourself and look instead at the one person who is worthy of all honor and glory. Jesus. He is the one who has declared us worthy, who sacrificed everything in order that we can be covered in his goodness. We can’t take away from what he did with our failures and we can’t add to what he did with our successes. Why am I worthy and loved? Because of Jesus. No other reason. Just Jesus. 

Jesus is Enough

This has been an unsettling week for me. A week where God confronted me about my online content: this is not pleasing, uplifting, edifying nor is it drawing you closer to God. Uggh. But it’s fun and entertaining. Everyone else does it. And a whole list of excuses, and this time I felt like God was just looking at me with a raised eyebrow. It’s your choice, are you going to listen to me? And so grumpily I walked away, looking over my shoulder with a bit of longing. I walked away because I know it doesn’t have to do with following a set of rules, it has to do with drawing closer to God, and I knew that my online activity was setting up a barrier between me and God that was getting harder and harder to climb over.

There was also the evening when my children’s bad behavior just felt overwhelmingly like me failing as a parent. I ended up sobbing on my husband’s chest, feeling like my kids were all going to hell in a handbasket and were probably going to end up homeless on the streets because I haven’t made Bible Time enough of a priority… And how on earth do I give ten kids the one-on-one time that they need to be well-adjusted citizens??

Then I got in a discussion about church practices with a blogger online. I didn’t agree with his position, but at the same time I didn’t feel like I had an answer to the fundamental question he was trying to address…How do we show Jesus to the lost?

Then I started thinking about politics and church and race and economic differences in the world and I felt like I just had this giant question mark floating around my head. No concrete answers. No concrete conclusions. Everything felt like a foggy haze.

It didn’t help that this past week I’ve undertaken a diet that consists of only fruits, vegetables and nuts. It’s an attempt to deal with several health issues, weight actually being at the bottom of that list. My body has been in shock. WHAT’S GOING ON??? WHERE’S THE BREAD?? WHERE’S THE MEAT??? More brain fog as I try to adjust to this very different routine.

In the midst of all this haze, I started a new book, “Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving and Finding the Church” by Rachel Held Evans. She’s a blogger. I don’t read her blog. I’m pretty sure it’s a lot more liberal than I am comfortable with. I don’t unreservedly recommend her as a theologian or someone to model your life after, but there is something in her writing that feeds a hungry place in me. I think what draws me to her is that she is honest about her life. She is honest about her doubts and failures. She asks questions that I tend to skirt around. In the book it feels like she is rediscovering her walk with God, rediscovering Jesus.

As I’ve been reading her book I have felt something relax inside of me. I have been reminded that this walk with Jesus, this life we’ve been given is not a three step process. Our Christian walk isn’t about walking in absolute perfection every single day, and if we mess up, then it’s all over. It isn’t about having the answer to every single difficult question. It’s a lot more about stumbling along in all our imperfections and ignorance and continually turning back to Jesus, asking for help, asking for forgiveness, asking for strength to get up and try again. Asking for wisdom when we don’t know what to do. Seeking God’s face on Sunday, messing up on Monday, and then Tuesday, seeking God’s face again. A little bit wiser, a little bit stronger, hopeful that this time we won’t stumble into the same pit.

And through all our floundering around, Jesus is enough. His Word is enough. His Grace is Enough. His Love is enough. I long for solid answers, concrete paths, rigid systems to follow. A certain future that is all laid out for me. That’s not what this life is about. In fact, the only solid thing I have to hang on to is Jesus. He knows everything, but he only likes to tell me what I need to know on a moment by moment basis.

The fog clears a bit and one thing comes into sharp clear focus. I’ve got Jesus, he’s got me. It’s enough.