I’ve been thinking about how hard it is to discern God’s will for your life. 

I have started taking piano lessons again. I’ve been doing it for one month. I’m loving it. I’m practicing every day and my teacher is amazing. I’m seeing some really big improvements as I follow her direction. I feel like something was hibernating inside of me for a long time and it’s slowly being awakened. But I’m fighting a battle with guilt. 

Is this really the best use of your time? Are you taking away from your kids by doing this? Isn’t this rather selfish? Are you wasting family resources? Is this really necessary? Shouldn’t you be out doing ministry in your spare time? How is this ever going to turn into a job that will help your family down the road? You are definitely being selfish. 

Now, I’m not entertaining these thoughts. They come, I brush them away. They come again. I push them away again. I’m not inviting them in and wallowing in them but, they do keep coming. 

Our foster daughter of three years left this last December. I have spent this year kind of recovering from that. A lot of emotions to process. I feel like I am finally in a place where I’m ready to be out in the world again, but I’ve been at a bit of a loss as to what I should be doing with myself. Serving people is a key part of my faith. Love God. Love People. And right now, I don’t feel like I’m doing much serving. There are a million ways to get involved in serving here in our community. So many organizations with boots on the ground who always need more volunteers. Finding a place to serve is not the issue. The issue is figuring out what God wants me to be doing in this very moment. 

In the past I’ve learned to not get too worried about this subject. Without fail, God has always brought people into our lives for us to serve and minister to. I have felt like my main responsibility has been  to be willing and ready. And that is where I’m at right now. Ok Lord, I’m willing and ready to do whatever you want me to do. In the meantime, I’m going to do the work that I already have in front of me which is to take care of my family. Make new friends with the people I am meeting. Go to church. Read my Bible. And music. For whatever reason, I have felt the urge to get back into music. And God has opened doors for me to be able to teach again. And to reconnect with my piano teacher. And be able to pay for lessons. And for those lessons to just happen to be close by and at a time when I can still manage school pick ups and drop offs. 

So yeah, it feels like I’m walking in the right direction. But guilt speaks loudly. Surely it’s not God’s will for me to be doing something I actually enjoy? Isn’t serving God supposed to just be painful sacrifice? 

I tell my older kids, when they ask the Million Dollar Question, How do I know God’s will for my life? I tell them, God has given you gifts and abilities and talents. Start using them. He gave them to you for a purpose. You aren’t going to go wrong doing the things that you were inherently made for. Don’t just sit waiting for some great epiphany. Get yourself moving using your gifts and then God can direct your steps as you move forward. 

So here I am, taking my own advice.