The sky is low today
Heavy with gray rain
Fine misty water that rests gently
on the earth
Gray wrapping itself around the barren trees
Find shelter, somewhere warm with yellow lights
Shining through a small glass window to the outside
The sky is low today
Soft clouds that rest gently
on the rooftops of the city
The headlights of the cars driving past
Appear to be candles and lanterns bobbing
Through the mist
An occasional red leaf flutters past
The sky is low today
Resting gently
On my shoulders
I hum a carol under my breath
Wrap up in a blanket
Read a book
Drink hot tea
The sky is low today
Rest
Gentleness
Nature’s embrace
The lights shine brighter
Warmth soaks in deeper
As you look out the window into the gray
Tag: rest
The Gospel PLUS
One of my pastors made a comment that if some act that you were doing caused you to feel more righteous than someone else, then you were adding on to the Gospel. The Gospel PLUS. The Bible tells us that Jesus’ death on the cross completely covered the debt we owed for our sins. We come to Jesus in faith, repent of our sins, and he forgives us. We then walk out our lives learning how to listen and obey him and through that process he changes us to become more like him. But it’s not our obedience and our listening that saves us. It’s Jesus’ work on the cross, a free gift to us.
That is a hard concept. We like to feel like we are earning our way. Let me work for that. Surely, I need to be doing something to deserve this. And then we take concepts like prayer and Bible reading, and service and we turn them into laws. Things we must do to earn grace. If I don’t get up every morning and read my Bible and pray for an hour, then I’m not really saved. If I don’t fast once a week then I’m not really holy. If I don’t take one day a week and spend the entire day devoted to church and rest then I’m not really following after God.
All of these things, Bible reading, prayer, fasting, sabbath rest, all of these things are gifts that God has given us to enable us to learn more about him, to enter into his presence, to come alongside him in his work here on the earth, to keep our bodies and minds healthy and whole. They are gifts that we have been given, and the more we use them, the more blessed we are. But doing these things does not save us. Jesus’ work on the cross is what saves us.
I think back to things that I have done that were good and healthy and blessed our family, but I know that deep down I did feel “more righteous” than others because I did them. Things like homeschooling, or eating super healthy, daily family devotions. All good things. All things that I’m glad that we did. But, I wish my heart attitude had been different. I wish that I had known to hold these practices lightly, to not feel the stress of HAVING to do these things in order to be righteous. But instead to just rejoice that God made these things possible for our family as a blessing to us.
RIght now I find myself struggling a bit. I am not actively involved in any kind of ministry. My children are. And I help them get to and from the places they need to be. But I myself am not doing anything. And I remind myself that my family is my first priority. My main ministry. But I feel guilty for not doing more. And that is definitely coming from a Gospel PLUS mentality. If I’m not actively serving somewhere then I’m not earning my way.
In the past, I have never actively sought out ministry. A need has simply arrived on my doorstep, so to speak, and I have responded to that need. And I keep waiting for something to be brought to my attention that I can help with and nothing has shown up. And deep in my heart, I’m thankful that nothing has shown up, because this has been an emotionally difficult summer as I’ve watched my kids scatter all over the place, pursuing their dreams, growing up, leaving the nest, and I’ve had to fight the duel feelings of overwhelming pride that they have grown up so well and have so much to offer the world, and deep sorrow that they are no longer little and no longer apart of my daily interactions.
And so I have to learn how to trust that God does not need all my works in order to deem me acceptable to him. Jesus already took care of that. I am saved. I’m adopted in. I am loved. And I’m available. He will use me as he sees fit, and I can relax and wait on his timing. Keep doing the things that are set in front of me. Wash the dishes, fold the laundry, feed the family. Love on my babies that are still here. And just rest in the Gospel.
Comments on “The Good Place”
I find it really interesting when pop culture lines up with a Biblical worldview. I just started watching the show “The Good Place” on Netflix. I’ve only seen two episodes. (Because I decided that this show was going to be my exercise show that I would only watch when I go on my elliptical. So far I’ve seen two episodes. 🙂 But, I’m planning on being a lot more consistent now!) Ok, lots of spoiler alerts. I’m about to talk indepth about those two episodes…
The premise of the show is that when people die they either go to the “good place” or the “bad place”. We don’t get any details about the bad place except that we hear a short sound bite of people screaming in agony. The good place on the other hand is a paradise with everyone getting a home that suits their personality and likes and dislikes, and everyone gets introduced to their soul mate so they can have harmonious romance for the rest of eternity. The way you get into the good place is to have all your good deeds and bad deeds measured. (This brings to mind all kinds of world religions.) If you’ve done enough good things and are a morally good person, then you get to be in the good place. Only problem is, due to some kind of clerical error, a bad person is accidentally allowed in. Someone who shares the same name as a morally good person, but they brought the wrong one. Her presence immediately causes things to start going wrong. She is desperate to stay and trys to get the help of her supposed soulmate to help her learn how to be a good person so she can stay.
Up front, none of this lines up with a Biblical worldview. But you start digging a little deeper and suddenly it does. First of all, the people who are morally good, are actually not all that great. Some are very condescending, back biting, two faced. Romans 3 talks about how everyone is a sinner. Everyone. “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 3:23.
Second, the bad person seems pretty helpless in her efforts to turn herself into a good person. Ephesians 2:1 says, “As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins…” Dead means you do not have the power to fix the problem. The lady in the show tries to make better choices, but it is a very surface change.
Now, I have no idea how the show is going to progress. I imagine they will have her go through a character change where she will eventually, by sheer willpower, turn herself into a morally good person. And maybe some people do manage to do that. Change their actions. But there are two problems with that. First, if you do morally good things, but your heart is still full of anger, bad motives, pride, etc, are you actually a good person? Second, what about all the things that you did in your past? Do they just slowly cancel out, one by one? Each good thing you do knocks one bad thing off your record?
It sounds like a very stressful way to live. Every day wondering if you’ve done enough good things to make it. The truth is that every single one of us are sinners. Even the most holy people or morally good people you can think of. God is Holy and his standard is perfection. The show, without even realizing it, gives a nod to God and his goodness. Where does morality come from? How do we determine what is good and what is bad? It’s pretty apparent that the show has decided to follow a Biblical definition of good as it defines good deeds in the terms of helping others and being self-sacrificing. The Bible actually spells out a much more detailed version of what Good is. God gave the law to Moses and it was a very detailed list of how to live. Follow the law, you are good. Don’t follow the law, you are bad. Romans 3:20 explains the purpose of the law.
“Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin.”
Another words, the law didn’t really turn people into Good People. It just acted as a mirror to show people just how bad they were.
It all sounds rather depressing. We’re all sinners. The law just shows us how badly we mess up. Even if we start acting perfect from here on out, we still have all our past sins to deal with. So what do we do?
Enter Jesus. Jesus was perfect, never sinned. He was the Son of God. He came and paid the price for all our sins by dying on the cross. All those past sins we’ve committed, now covered, taken care of. When we repent of our sins and put our faith in Jesus, believe he is who says he is, believe he died on the cross for us, we become new people. Our sins are now forgiven and we are covered in Jesus’ goodness. He changes our heart and makes us like him. When we die, we go to heaven, the BEST place, where he has prepared a place for us, and we are there, not on the strength of our own goodness but because of God’s goodness. His forgiveness, his mercy, his grace.
I imagine the tv show I’m watching will eventually get on my nerves as they try to solve their multitude of problems in their own strength. It seems like a great show to get hijacked by the Gospel. Can you see the story play out with all the crazy machinations of people trying to be good in their own strength, and then in the end, Jesus walks in and says, hey there’s a better way. Come to me, Rest. Let me change your heart, not just your actions.
I’d love to see that on Netflix!
It’s Been a While
Hello Everyone. It’s been a while. I hope you all are well. I know I’ve not been consistently writing since January. I needed a break, and now I’m excited to have a place to share again.
It’s summer here and school is out for a couple months. I purposefully did not make a lot of plans for the summer, but despite that, our schedule has still filled up so that my monthly calendar on the kitchen wall is filled with writing.
This is the first summer in four years that it’s just our family. No foster kids. No other people staying with us. Just us. My oldest daughter came home for the summer which is an added bonus. My son who is in the army is now in Washington State and my seventeen year old is about to launch from the house for a summer of outreach all over the world. But, everyone else is close. It feels decadent. Rich. Luxurious. Just me and my family. It’s not a place I want to stay. I want to be someone who has a heart for people and is always helping in some way. But right now, this feels like a very necessary and very wonderful step in healing and recovering to just have a summer to breathe deeply, move slowly, and enjoy my family.
This past year was kind of a double whammy for me. My youngest child entered school for the first time, and then after three years, at Christmas, my foster daughter returned to her own home. Two of the big things that identified me, stay-at-home mom of young children, and foster mom, were suddenly gone. Looking back, I can say that I have been mourning the loss of those roles. But, while I was in the middle of it, I wasn’t able to think clearly enough to say, YOU ARE MOURNING, and it’s normal, and you’ll be ok. Instead I just felt a bewildering combination of anger, sadness, depression, and numbness. Lost.
I hope I can write more about that journey in the future. Right now I still feel like I’m in a discovery phase where I’ve got to figure out what this next stage of life looks like. Still a stay-at-home mom, but the kids need different things now. Not a foster mom any more, but still in contact with my foster daughter. My family still needs me, but I now have bigger chunks of time where I could do other things too. I’m praying for direction. But also feeling that right now I’m still in the resting stage. I’ve signed up to teach piano lessons one day a week at my church’s homeschooling Co-op and that will start in the fall. I’m excited about that. Something to look forward to. But I’m glad I’ve still got summer to enjoy before that begins.
So, consider this the catch-up blog. I tell you why I’ve been gone and that I plan to start writing again. And then next time, I can just jump back into all the things I’ve thought about sharing with you all over the past months. I’ve read some good books I’d love to rant about. God has been gracious and merciful in so many ways. My kids have been up to the normal funny kid antics. I can’t wait to share! See you again soon.
Rest is Hard
I am discovering that I am not good at resting. Resting feels like a guilty pleasure. Sinful. Lazy. Slothful. Not industrious. Not pulling your own weight. Slacking off.
I’m in a weird in-between place right now. Our foster daughter went home after three years with us. I am finding that all the insanity of the last three years has not been processed and it is suddenly jumping up and down in my head. And I’m not just talking about fostering (which I’m going to say is the hardest thing I have ever done). How about a pandemic, family members being sick, big streak of violence in our neighborhood that turned my kids high school into a war zone, craziness in my little kids’ schools, someone close to me dealing with severe depression, discovering that one of my kids has some neurological differences, one of my kids growing up and leaving home, another one joining the army. And then quite a few other things that I’m not going to write about.
The past three years have been about surviving each blow and then running on to the next catastrophe. This is not to say I’ve been walking around in a horrible state of mind for three years. God is gracious and I have felt his love and peace with me throughout everything. But at some point in time you have to stop moving for a minute and just acknowledge that these things happened, allow yourself some time to work through the emotions, and then be able to lay it down and move forward.
I feel like that is the place that God has put me in right now. And I don’t like it. It feels wrong. I’m not doing anything extra. Yeah, I’m taking care of my family, but nothing else.
That “something else” is a tricky thing. We are saved by grace, not by works. But it’s really easy to fall into that “Grace Plus” mentality. I think I’ve written about this before. Probably because it’s one of the easiest traps for me to fall into. I’m saved by Grace PLUS I do this other ministry. I’m saved by Grace PLUS I’m a really moral, self-disciplined person. I’m saved by Grace PLUS I make no mistakes. I’m saved by Grace PLUS…you get the idea.
When I reach these places where my ministry is over, some kind of transition has happened, I’m no longer doing all the things, I feel panicky. I can’t be pleasing to God when I’m just sitting here. God only likes me if I’m working. God only likes me if I’m producing. God only likes me if I’m doing all the extra stuff.
I was in a church service several weeks ago and the minister said something about service to God and I cried out to God in my mind, Lord, what do you want me to do?? And he answered me. I’ll let you know when you need to know. Right now, just rest.
So, here I am trying to rest. And I’m not very good at it. I know that I am on empty right now. I really don’t have anything to give anyone at the moment. I’m trying to slowly rebuild habits of taking care of my body and mind and soul. Habits I used to have but which got thrown overboard when the storms of life got too crazy.
And the hardest part is looking up at heaven and saying, Are you ok with this? I’m not doing anything. Are you sure this is ok?
So, I grow in faith again. Saved by grace. Not by works. It’s ok to rest.
The Christmas Newsletter
Hello Everyone, I know it’s been a while since I’ve written, and while I’m not yet at a place where I’m going to be writing regularly I wanted to give you all an update on life.
December 11th, we went to court and our foster daughter was reunited with her birth family. It’s been a three year journey and we are happy at how it has all ended, but our family is going through a transition period.
We had a rough Fall with some tragedy in the family from which we are still picking up the pieces.
My oldest son joined the army and I’ve had to wrap my head around that reality. But, he’s home for Christmas so that is wonderful.
Both my husband and I had relatives pass away.
My kids have been attending a small private Christian school and it has been a wonderful experience for them. They have blossomed. It has been a joy to see them do well in their school work, make good friends, get involved in school sports and just come home happy every day.
My older kids continue to be awesome, working hard, pursuing their goals.
I am in the December crunch, trying to manage everyone’s schedules, all the extra events and activities. Make all the festivities happen for the family. It’s busy, but a fun kind of busy. I do feel like I’m in a race though as we approach the last week till Christmas and I still haven’t finished all my Christmas shopping. Oh well. It will happen somehow and all come together at the last minute as usual.
All my kids will be home for Christmas and I plan on just basking in togetherness these next couple weeks.
I’ve thought about my blog off and on but have had no words to share. The reunification process of our foster daughter was pretty intense and now I feel like I’ve been carrying around a 100 pound weight for three years and suddenly it’s gone and I’m not sure what to do with myself. When I think about writing the only word that comes to my mind is Rest. So, that is what I plan on doing for the immediate future. Just let all these things settle into place in my mind and soul.
I just want to let you all know that God is good. He has carried me through some pretty crazy situations. He has strengthened me and enabled me to do some really hard things. His grace and peace have covered me in the lowest valleys. I am overwhelmed at his goodness to me. I am excited to see what the future holds. And right now I plan on focusing on my family, celebrating Jesus, and resting.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and take some time to ponder and wonder at how loved you are by God.
Do I Have a Servant Heart?
I read a difficult Bible passage this past week that has been stuck in my mind.
“Suppose one of you has a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Will he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, ‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? Won’t he rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink’? Will he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’” Luke 17:7-10
In our culture, reading anything about slaves tends to put my hackles up. Slavery is wrong. All men are created equally. We should be kind and considerate to everyone! I find it rather offensive to think about someone owning a slave, making them work out in a field all day and then making them come inside and have no rest and continue to serve their master. Is Jesus saying I should be a slave? That I am unworthy?
Other Bible verses come to mind.
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. John 15: 15-16
Not a servant. Friends. Chosen. 1 John 3:1 says that God loves us so much that we are called sons of God. Reading these other verses I don’t feel like my status with God is that of a lowly slave.
As I’ve thought about the passage in Luke I’ve realized that it is a good measure of how much of a servant heart I have. How firmly embedded my pride and sense of entitlement are in my very nature.
Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10: 43-45
Yes, we are sons of God, Friends of Jesus. Chosen. Loved. But we are called to be like Jesus, and Jesus, despite being King of Kings, God, Creator, Ruler of all, he was a servant. And we’ve been called to be like Jesus and serve others.
The other night I came home exhausted. Right after school I had to take two of my children to a location out West, thirty minutes away, and then after being there an hour and half, had to drive to another part of town to pick up another child from sports practice. I didn’t get home till 6:30pm and I had been driving in horrible rush hour traffic for over an hour. I had expected that my other family at home would have already eaten the supper I had left prepared for them. I anticipated just grabbing a plate of food for myself and being able to relax for a couple minutes. Instead, I walked in the door and found out that everyone else was waiting for me to get home before they ate. Nothing was set out. The table was littered with homework and toys and papers. Mess. I lost it. Had a total hissy fit. Much to the horror of my poor family who were simply anticipating a family meal together whenever I got home. Later, all I could think about was the passage in Luke and how far I was from having a true servant heart. Cause I had been working hard all day, and I wanted to come home and be served. Have some rest. Get some appreciation for how hard I had been working. And yes, there is a time and a place for rest and appreciation. But sometimes, everyone in the family has been working hard, everyone is exhausted, and what the family needs is someone to come in and patiently continue to serve.
That is the heart I want to have. And sometimes I fail miserably. But I have to realize, having a servant heart is something I need Jesus to do inside of me. It’s not something I can get on my own. I hold to the promise that says,
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
I’m trusting that God will continue to soften my heart and teach me how to serve like Jesus.
I’m Back!
Hi Everyone. I’m back. I think. I ended up taking an unplanned break from writing. I think the easiest explanation is that my writing is all about telling you what is going on in my life and how I’m dealing with it and this summer the things I was dealing with were not shareable. They were too tangled up with other people’s lives for me to freely tell you what was going on. But, I can testify that God is faithful. I went through a season of healing and forgiveness and I also went through a David and Goliath type trial where God, as always, proved greater than the giant facing me.
To catch you up a bit on our family news, all of my kids have moved to new schools. That was a miracle in itself as God opened doors for each one of my kids to be able to go to a better situation. It’s been pretty hectic as we’ve been trying to learn new schedules and routines, but I think we are finally over the hump and the kids all feel settled and are very happy in their new schools.
This is the first year that all of my kids are at school for the whole school day. I’m not homeschooling anyone. My oldest daughter at home is taking college classes so her schedule is a little more loose and I see her occasionally throughout the day, but I’m not actively taking care of anyone at the house. I’ve had a lot of people say, “What are you going to do with yourself?” I am getting more and more excited as I ponder this question.
Let’s see. I’m going to actually have time to take care of my home. Maybe I’ll do some meal planning and actually start cooking more difficult meals that take longer than 30 minutes to prepare. Maybe I’ll actually dust my house. Organize some spaces that are out of control. Maybe I’ll do some knitting and sew some curtains. Maybe I can take time to take a walk every day again. Maybe I can work through a Bible Study. Maybe I can get some rest so that when I’m with my kids I’m not a stressed out wreck. Maybe I can start meeting my husband for lunch and we can get some couple-time again. Maybe I’ll have time to actually take an interest in what’s happening in my yard and I could actually do a little landscaping. Who knows.
Yesterday I went to the zoo and took a long walk. We have a family zoo pass and the zoo is within walking distance of my house. I found myself grinning as I walked. I had time to stop and enjoy seeing the animals and all the beautiful plants and landscaping the zoo has. Usually when I’m at the zoo it’s a full-on marathon as I try to keep my eyes on all the kids and keep everyone happy and safe. As I was walking I felt like I had just been dragged out of the ocean where I had been barely keeping my head above water and now I was on land and just sitting taking in large gulps of air. It felt like I was getting my margins back. I’ve been living full-tilt, giving everything I’ve got for so long. It feels surprising and wonderful to suddenly have some time to myself where I can just be. Where I can do something I enjoy and not have to focus on making sure everyone else is enjoying themselves.
This does not mean I’m sitting around eating bon bons and watching soap operas. I do have ten people in my home that I’m still taking care of and three adult kids I’m keeping tabs on. It just feels like, instead of having three full-time jobs, now I just have two. Or two and half.
I’m about to get up and clean my house and wash dishes and fold laundry. But I’m going to put on a podcast that I want to listen to. Maybe blast some Mozart. Play the piano a bit. And I’m going to breathe deep breaths and bask in silence. And just be thankful.
Fat Fridays: A Day Late
Good morning. I am late. I contemplated skipping and just waiting a week, but it seems more appropriate to write a day late.
Yesterday my “Give a Damn” broke. It does that every once in a while. I’ve had a hard week. Last Saturday we drove twenty-four hours straight with nine children in the car, driving through the night, to get home from our vacation. My husband did most of the driving but I did Pennsylvania, from 2am to 6am and I did a four hour stretch of Virginia. The kids were amazing. The biggest problem was the three youngest being TOO cheerful and rambunctious as they played in the row right behind our seats. It was while we were driving that my mom called and let me know that she and my dad were sick with covid and headed to the ER. And then this week has been the uncertainty of how my dad was going to pull through. And unpacking. And doing all the Back-To-School shopping, and trying to help my mom long-distance as she recovered at home, and catching up all the errands that stack up when you’ve been gone for a while.
I started off the week healthy. Went grocery shopping and stocked up on fresh veggies and fruit. And then, on Tuesday I went to the dentist to have my last appointment to get a crown on my tooth. And then the dentist had an “oops” moment and my tooth got messed up and they ended up having to pull the tooth. And then my jaw got infected and I’ve been in pain all week and couldn’t eat all the fresh veggies cause my mouth hurt.
Anyway. This Friday I shut down. I tried. I made an effort. I put on exercise clothes. I tried to tackle the giant list of things that needed to be done, but my brain wouldn’t focus. I would decide, Ok, I’m going to go take a walk. Then I would think, well, maybe I should get the kids settled doing this activity first. Or maybe I should go run those errands first. Or maybe we should clean the house first. And I completely froze. Didn’t know what to do. I finally left the house, ran the errands, and then sat in a chair all day, playing word games in an attempt to not have to think about my life.
I did not exercise. I did not eat vegetables. I did not accomplish much. And I didn’t care.
So, here we are, the next day. I’m feeling a little more rested. And I’m not feeling guilty. I’m not superwoman. This is something I have to tell myself often. I actually can’t do everything (though in my last Friday post, I did feel like I could!). And sometimes my body and brain just need to check out for a while. And it’s ok. Today is a new day. I’ll try again to make good choices for food. I’ll try to get moving again. The important thing is to keep trying.
A Time for Quiet
We are on vacation right now. Taking part in a family reunion. Back to the stomping grounds of my husband’s youth. It’s a place that feels like home. Lakes, fields, forests. Small towns. Vast northern skies. It’s been almost twenty-two years since our honeymoon when my husband first brought me to Maine. And since then we’ve made regular pilgrimages. I am very familiar with the over-eleven-hundred-mile drive.
For me, it’s a place where I can get steeped in nature. Forget about city traffic, polution, people everywhere you turn. It’s a place where you just sit and stare at the water. Watch for loons. See an eagle every once in a while. Laugh at the ducks. Take long walks down dirt roads.
It’s a place where I can slow down my heartbeat. Slow down my frantic thoughts. Slow down the rhythm of our family. Life simplifies to the lowest common denominator. Play, eat, sleep.
This morning I sat on the porch, watching my kids swim, painting my toenails. After a long time, I finished. Beautiful! I did it! (This is an accomplishment for me to not get nail polish all over the place.) Then my four year old wanted to sit with me and he stepped on my foot. Back to square one. But it’s ok. I’ve got time to fix it. Nothing else is pressing in.
The kids are reconnecting with cousins. Aunts and Uncles catching up on each other’s news. We break bread together. Pictures are taken.
I think about the fact that years ago, a family this spread out would never have seen each other again. The distance too far, the cost too high. Now we can jump in our cars, book airline tickets. Set a date. Here we all are. What an amazing time we live in.
I have hopes for my time here. I hope I can disconnect from the world that is full of human drama and stress. Connect with an older world. The one that is tied to the changing of the seasons, the moving of the sun across the sky. The activity of the clouds, will it rain or not? Tune my ears into the sound of the wind in the trees, the calls of the birds. Smell the damp forest floor. Feel the rain misting on my face.
I am thankful. Thankful for my husband’s family that has claimed me as one of their own. Thankful for the heritage of this place that we can pass down to our children. Thankful that God provided a way for us to get here. Thankful for rest.
This is me and my husband, after our wedding, about to get in the car and drive cross-country to Maine for the first time. I had no idea that this was going to become a major theme in our lives. But, I’m really glad that’s the way it’s turned out.
Life With Esther 