Giving Testimony in the Messiness

A friend recently exhorted in his writing that we should give our testimony often. And it’s funny, because I had something good happen, and I thought, I should give testimony about that! But, then that something good twisted and ended up not being so great. And my desire to share kind of faded away. Because it didn’t turn out all smooth and neat the way I was hoping. It’s still messy. Still incomplete. Still a work in progress. But there is so much to give testimony about, especially in the messiness! 

Once again, it’s been a rough week. At one point in time, I felt like I had walked to the very edge of the abyss and was looking down at the sure promise of great sorrow and anguish. And I had no words to pray. I found my mind just repeating over and over again, Mercy Lord. Have Mercy. And the analytical side of my brain chimed in, “Why are you saying that over and over again?” and the parable that Jesus told about the widow who nagged the Judge for justice came to mind. I will nag and nag and nag until I get justice simply because the judge is tired of my nagging. Except it wasn’t justice I wanted. Just mercy. 

And God was merciful. In small measures. 

The situation is not resolved. I don’t have a tidy neat package where I can point and say, Look, a miracle! Isn’t God good! 

Instead I have the testimony that I am alive and moving. My children are alive and moving. Hope still reigns. I am still determinedly putting one foot in front of the other. The world is still turning. Night and Day are still happening. There is beauty in each day, along with sorrow. God’s word is still true. His promises still stand. 

And so I stand in the Assembly and give my testimony of God’s goodness to me today. My eternity is secure. I am not alone. And each day I move an inch or two closer to knowing more about God and his goodness. 

I am Unsinkable

The other day someone asked me how I was doing and an image came into my mind. Me as a rubber ducky out on the big ocean in the middle of a storm. Waves crashed over me and I bobbed in and out of the water, raced up and down monstrous waves, tossed every which direction. But I was still floating. I couldn’t sink. I was made to float and while I got dunked a lot, I always came back to the surface.  We recently watched the movie EndGame again. Thanos, the villain, has a line where he says, “I’m Inevitable”. And I find myself saying, with the same confidence, “I’m Unsinkable”. 

I can also tell you with certainty, that my confidence does not come from myself. It comes from a lifetime of following Jesus, and seeing time and time again, that he never fails me. It is being faced with crisis after crisis, hardship after hardship, and having the Holy Spirit fill me with His power so that I can press through. Survive. Thrive. It is standing up at Testimony time and saying, my testimony is that I don’t have any dramatic stories of how I fell to the depths and then God lifted me up. My testimony is that he kept me. Kept me from looking for love in the wrong places. Kept me from dangerous addictions. Kept me from being on the wrong side of the law. My testimony is saying, Look what God can do when you give him your life from a very young age. 

We were talking at our housechurch this past Sunday about hindrances people have that keep them from wanting to follow Jesus. I personally know people who feel like becoming a Christian is too big a sacrifice. There are too many things to give up. I would say the problem with this mindset is that they aren’t seeing the big picture. The following is an often-quoted excerpt from C.S. Lewis.

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory, and Other Addresses

I think about the richness of my life. I am not wealthy in worldly riches, but my treasures are uncountable. Eleven beautiful, amazing children who add worth to our world. Extended family and friends who love me. A husband who is 100% committed to our marriage and our family. A warm, peaceful home. A meaningful life that is full of purpose. A job that is so varied and complex that I can never grow bored and only rarely feels like drudgery. A church family that comforts, encourages, and constantly pushes me to grow. I am blessed beyond measure. 

There is no sacrifice in following Jesus. I have given up nothing of worth to walk this path. I have in fact gained unimaginable riches. My prayer, my hope, my longing, is that those who don’t have this confidence would be able to take hold of this truth. Jesus is the Way and the Truth and the Life. 

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.

Ephesians1:18-19b

Come join me. You too can be Unsinkable. 

For more information, here is a great article you can click on. https://www.faithward.org/how-do-you-become-a-christian/

“Your Name is the Light in the Darkness”

This morning in church we were singing the Paul Baloche song, “Oh Our Lord”, and we sang the line, “Oh Your Name is the Light in the Darkness…” And I suddenly had a flashback of me, in my room, calling out to Jesus for help. On my knees in despair, unable to help myself, crying on the name of the Lord, and it wasn’t just one scene, it was many scenes going back for years and years. All the times I have called on the Name of the Lord for help. Lord, I don’t know what to do! Please help me! Desperate cries. And EVERY SINGLE TIME, he has helped me. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Oh Lord, how Majestic is Your Name! How powerful is your name! You have brought me out of the pit. Your name is a strong tower and the righteous run into it. Your name is the Light in the Darkness.

This weekend has been quite a roller coaster for me as I walked through a crisis with one of my kids. And I had that completely helpless, powerless feeling of, I don’t know what to do or say to help this child. And I love this child and I’ve got to help them. And I don’t know how… Jesus. Help us. Please. And he did. He did. Friday night was the pit of despair, and somehow Saturday and Sunday have been wonderful. 

People hear how many kids I have, and they shake their heads and they say, I don’t know how you do it! 

And I don’t know quite what to say. Cause really, I’m not doing it. It’s all God. But, any pat response I give will just sound light, frivolous. How do I communicate to a stranger that, There is no way I could ever parent this many kids on my own. I couldn’t even parent one kid on my own. This parenting journey involves me on my face regularly before God crying for help, mercy, wisdom, relief. And he is faithful to help. He listens and he answers. 

This past week I have been trying to make a conscientious effort to turn my thoughts to worship instead of worry. This week has given me a lot of things to worry about. We’ve even had some major crises. But, I have had an amazing amount of peace throughout.

You keep him in perfect peace

 whose mind is stayed on you,

 because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

God’s name is trustworthy. 

for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13

I’m here to give my testimony, my witness, my story. Jesus has never let me down. Ever. And I’ve walked some crazy paths. I’m walking a crazy path right now as I try to raise this growing family of mine. Every time I have called on Jesus for help, he has helped me. And it’s not because I’m some amazing Saint. I’m as sinful and messed up as the next person. The only difference is God has saved me, and continues to save me. And I continue to call on his name. 

My heart is overflowing today with praise. I’ll leave you the words to this Matt Redmon song, 

Worthy, You are Worthy

Worthy, You are worthy

Much more worthy than I know

I cannot imagine

Just how glorious You are

And I cannot begin to tell

How deep a love You bring

O Lord my ears have heard of You

But now my eyes have seen

Chorus

You’re worthy

You’re worthy

You’re worthy

You’re worthy to be praised

Forever and a day

You’re worthy

You’re worthy

You’re worthy

You’re worthy to be praised

Forever and a day

Glory, I give glory

To the One who saved my soul

You found me and You freed me

From the shame that was my own

And I cannot begin to tell

How merciful You’ve been

O Lord, my ears had heard of You

But now my eyes have seen

Truth

In the book The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis (the last book in the Narnia series) there is a great deception where an ape and a donkey attempt to pretend that they are Aslan. Many people are fooled. But there is a group of Dwarves who remain skeptical. Later in the story, the deception is revealed and the dwarves are confronted with the Real followers of the Real Aslan, but they refuse to believe them. They say that they aren’t going to be tricked again. Later, even when they are face to face with the real Aslan, they still won’t believe. Holding firm to their determination to not be “taken in” they can’t see the truth, even when it roars in their face. 

 

I’ve always felt a bit of disdain for these dwarves. What was their problem? They were so determined to not be taken in by another deception, that they lost their ability to see the truth. In the book, there was no solution. There was no way to help these dwarves. 

 

This morning I opened up my email, read through the various news outlet updates I get. New York Times had an article where they were trying to figure out how Qanon had become so influential. Now, I’m going to come right out and say that the New York Times is incapable of writing anything from any other perspective than Democrat and liberal. They just can’t do it. They are incapable. Just like Fox News is completely Republican and conservative. I like to glance through both just to see what the Democrats are believing these days and see what the Republicans are believing these days. I also enjoy a whole host of articles from Facebook that promote all kinds of theories and “conspiracy theories” and all kinds of ideas. Some of them are so badly written and full of blatantly erroneous material, that you know right away it’s just quackery. Others are more convincing. 

 

This morning, I admit, I felt a bit like the dwarves from The Last Battle. This is all lies! No one is telling the truth! It is impossible to know what is true and false any more! Bah Humbug to all of you. I’m done. I’m done with social media. I’m done with the news. I’m just going to live my simple life here in my house with my family and forget about trying to stay up with what is happening in the bigger world around me. I’m done being “taken in”. 

 

And it’s scary. Because I don’t think I’m the only one in this situation. Our culture is being bombarded with “News” and the news is saying exact opposite things depending on whether you read Liberal or Conservative, and in the end, we are all skeptical and don’t trust any of it. And if we do hold to one side or the other, we are accused of Drinking the Koolaide, and basically being idiots for being “taken in”. 

 

Here’s the thing. I know the truth, and it’s not found in a news site. It’s found in the Bible. I can cling to God’s word. I can say, ok, the world is screwing me over, trying to trick me, but at least I know that This is True. This is a Solid Rock that I can cling to. 

 

But what about those people that don’t know the Bible is true? They are being bombarded by so many lies, so many conflicting ideas. In the end, are they just going to scoff at the Bible as well? I’m not being “taken in” by those old myths! I think it’s a very real possibility. The more our culture twists and plays with “truth”, the more likely people are to not believe anything. And I don’t know how we can stop this from happening. 

 

I have, on occasion, had conversations with my older children about truth. How can we really know that the Bible is true? In the end, after all my logical arguments and proofs, in the end, it comes down to me and my life and my experience. I can tell them, I have met Jesus. He talks to me. I have felt his presence. He has changed MY life. The word of God has comforted me, it has given me wisdom, it has given me direction, it has given me hope. I am who I am because of God and his word. 

 

As we try and navigate these dangerous times where we can no longer rely on our leaders and news outlets to tell us the truth, I’m reminded of a story my parents told me as a child. A young man is apprenticed to a Goldsmith. He shows up to his first day of work. The goldsmith gives him a chunk of gold and tells him to sit in the corner and hold the gold in his hand. He is not given anything else to do. All day he just sits and holds the gold in his hands. The next day he is given the same task. This goes on for several weeks. Finally the young man has had enough. He walks into work and tells the Goldsmith, I want to learn how to work with gold! You aren’t teaching me anything! The Goldsmith looks at him, nods, and throws a chunk to him, Here, hold this gold. The young man catches the chunk in his hand then exclaims, Hey! This isn’t gold! And the Goldsmith smiles and says, Now you are ready to work with gold. 

 

If we want to know the truth and be able to discern the truth, we are going to have to spend a lot of time in the truth, with the truth. Memorizing the truth. Meditating on the truth. And as far as convincing others, in the end all we can do is say, Look at my life. I am who I am because of God and his word. 

 

I am feeling more and more the need to withdraw from the drama of this world and put my focus on God’s word. It’s the only truth I can be certain of.

 

Psalm 1: 1-2

 

Blessed is the man

Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,

Nor stands in the path of sinners,

Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;

But his delight is in the law of the Lord,

And in His law he meditates day and night.