My brain is an interesting place. Generally, I am quite content with the brain I have, the thoughts I enjoy, the random places it takes me. But my brain can also tie me up in knots. It will suddenly decide that certain chores and jobs are impossible, insurmountable tasks. Laundry? Who cares that we have faithfully folded the laundry once a week for the past several years. Now, today, it is impossible. Folding clothes is equivalent to climbing Mt Everest. Not happening. This happenes with other things too, like making an important phone call, going to the post office to buy stamps, filling out that important paperwork. It always feels random. It always seems to come out of nowhere. But suddenly there is a task that needs to be done and it feels impossible. 

Over the years I’ve learned to trick my brain. I can’t clean my room. Ok, but we’re just going to put three things away. That’s all. We are definitely not cleaning the room, just putting away three things. And then, once three things are put away, maybe we’ll just put away one more… ok maybe we can do one more thing… and then, something tips, and cleaning the room suddenly doesn’t feel impossible and it’s actually something we want to get done, right now. 

Or maybe I’ll start singing the “Just keep swimming” song from Dory, and make myself move, and once I start moving, the momentum gets going and I’m able to side step the road block and get the task done. 

There’s other tricks I have to do. I can’t remember anything so I have to leave big visual cues. Need to pay a bill? Put the bill on my pillow so I will see it. Need to take those grocery bags with me to the store? Set them in front of the door so I have to either trip on them or move them. (Though even then, I may  be so distracted that I will just move the grocery bags out the way, continue out the door, and get to the store and wish I had those grocery bags that I conveniently left by the front door.) 

It’s my brain. It’s how it works. That’s fine. 

There are other parts of my brain that I am not at peace with. One is my brain’s tendency to fall into deep depression and then start coloring all my thoughts gray and black. No positivity going on here. As I have been grimly dragging myself out of the latest pit of despair I have employed a new trick. I’m calling it “What if..” Every time a negative thought has reared its head, I’ve been countering it with, “What if..” What if I am not a failure? What if people actually like you? What if no one cares that you made a mistake? What if you are actually beautiful? What if you are going to succeed in this task? What if you are loved? What if you are accepted? 

RIght now I can’t handle blunt positive affirmations. But, the gentler, more roundabout approach, seems to be working. Oh, wait, what if there is a different way of seeing this? What if your first gut response is actually wrong? What if you are not going to be stuck in this place forever and there is joy waiting, just a couple steps away? 

This morning I feel hopeful. Joyful. And the thought is there, What if this is reality, and those dark gray moments are the lie?