Tag: Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Lord Have Mercy

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with what I should write about. Should I write a diatribe against all the evils of the world? Should I write an exhortation to call the church back to its First Love? Should I write parenting advice? And then, I have to remind myself of what my blog is about. Life with Esther. I’m not an advice columnist. I’m not a theologian. I’m not a political voice. I’m just me. Living life, one step at a time and sharing that journey with you in hopes that you will be encouraged in your own journeys.

So, in an attempt to share life with you, I may touch on all those topics, but that’s not my main purpose.

I know a lot of my readers aren’t American. So, I will tell you that the fact that my country has gone to war in the Middle East is alarming and bewildering and mind-numbing. I feel so ignorant of all the ins and outs of what is happening on the world stage. I don’t trust my government to make wise decisions, and at the same time I have no idea what should be happening and not happening which makes me very unqualified to sit in any kind of judgement seat. And so I wake up every morning and read the headlines, feel a sense of horror, and then pray Lord have Mercy. I don’t know what else to do.

That is the backdrop to everyday life.

In everyday life I have just finished up a class called Journey to Freedom. It’s been a two month intensive class where we immerse ourselves in the gospel, pair up with a coach, and with our coach take an intense look at our lives, past and present, bringing all these things to God. I would almost say it’s like going through a really intense confessional experience. It was difficult and stirred up a lot of sediment that I really didn’t want to disturb. But it was a holy experience that really only worked for me because my coach that I was paired up with was an older woman I already knew and already respected and looked up to. She was a kind gentle witness to all of my life laid bare and I am extremely grateful for her. I’m still processing everything, but I do feel a deeper peace after going through the whole class.

As I have had an opportunity to do a close-up look at my own life, I find myself praying often, Lord have Mercy. I don’t know what else to pray. While sins can be confessed and repented of and many relationships can be healed and strengthened, some things are beyond our ability to fix and mend and rehabilitate.

I find that instead of focusing on how messed up things are, I have had to focus on how good God is. I am encouraged to know that the things that I have gone through, the bad choices I have made, the circumstances I couldn’t avoid, none of those things changes the character of God. I have faith to believe that God is worthy of praise, always.

The things that are happening in our world are not a surprise. God’s word has already told us that these things will happen. And his word also says that Jesus will return and these things will be made right. That is what I have to lean into.

I don’t know what the rest of my life is going to look like. I don’t know how history is going to unfold. I often don’t know how to pray except to ask that God have mercy. What I do know is that Jesus loves me and mercy is something he wants to give. He made a way for me and everyone else to be with him through his work on the Cross. He has sealed me with his Holy Spirit and has promised that I will spend eternity with Him. In the meantime, I have a mission. I have a mission to remain in Jesus’ love for me and to love the people who are around me. Sometimes, the only way I can do that is to pray God’s mercy over them. But, more often, I can invite people into my home. I can give to the poor. I can speak life and wisdom over my children. I can strive for humility in all my interactions with others. And I can keep my eyes focused on Jesus and rest in his mercy.

I Don’t Have Any Answers

My mind has been reeling the past two days, watching the news, watching what everyone has to say about the news. And honestly, I don’t feel like talking about it. The press has covered it Ad Nauseum, almost everyone I know has voiced an opinion. (I’m not saying that’s a bad thing!) As I thought about writing my blog today, I thought, well, I should address what is happening in the country. Give my opinion. And I have finally realized that I really don’t want to do that. 

First, I feel like my opinion is half-baked at best. I am bewildered, torn, and kind of feel like I’m in the middle of a blizzard of information and ideas. I don’t know anything and I don’t have any good thoughts to share at the moment. 

Second, I really don’t feel like I have a finger on “What does the Bible say concerning these matters?” I am still searching and praying. I don’t know. 

So, let’s talk about how we’re doing with just life in general right now. 

Do you realize that we just finished a month and half of celebrating: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years? And did you know that it’s a common phenomenom that when you have an emotional high, it’s followed by an emotional low? I for one am sitting nice and firm in that low. My kids went back to school this week and I started homeschooling again. The kindergartner was not happy to start homeschooling again. It’s taken me to Thursday to get him through a normal school day in a normal amount of time. And then this afternoon I got the news that “due to the possibility of inclement weather” all the kids will be home for virtual school tomorrow. 

Wonderful.

Tomorrow I also have to take my 7th grader to get a covid test because he is having surgery on Monday morning. Something that just got scheduled this week. (I’ve never had this doctor’s office move so fast in getting a surgery lined up.) It’s an old complaint. Fluid in his ear causing hearing loss. He already had six sets of PE tubes when he was little. We’ve had a good long stretch of no problems, but now it seems it’s back. 

Our family has managed to stay healthy through all this Covid junk, but it’s concerning to me to hear, every day it seems, of more people I know who are sick with it. My daughter is going to bed right now and told me that she is cold, even though she is wearing really warm pajamas, socks, gloves, hat and is under a blanket. All I can think is that she’s getting the chills that come before a fever. And I just feel tense, wondering if the three days back at school was enough for her to pick up something that will now spread through the whole family. Who knows. We’ll see. And, as I think about it, if this daughter ends up getting sick, it will probably affect the other child’s surgery. Uggh. 

Emotionally I’ve been struggling with feeling like a failure. The old voices are speaking loudly in my head. 

So, here I am, just hanging on, and then the news explodes and everyone’s social media explodes and I get all caught up in it. And I realize. I can’t do this. I can’t let the drama of this dysfunctional country keep me yo-yo-ing up and down. I’m already having a hard time without focusing on what’s happening in Washington D.C. 

Someone suggested on their Facebook that now was a good time to get off the social media and focus on Jesus and His Kingdom. And I have to agree. I need wisdom, discernment, love, patience, power. I’m not going to get any of that by focusing on the world. I will get that by turning my focus back on God. Repeatedly. Over and Over again. Habitually. 

I’m not saying that I’m going to just ignore everything that is happening in the world. I live in the world, my personal life is affected by what is going on out there. But, if I take a look at how much time I am devoting to every activity in my day, social media and the news should not be taking up the majority of my time. (And I can hear my husband in the background saying, AMEN!) 

So, that’s where I’m at. Post-holiday blues, regular stresses of taking care of lots of kids, trying to resolve to spend less time on the internet, more time in real life, more focus on the Real King. 

I’ll talk to you all later.