Yesterday our time with our foster kids came to an end. And it felt like my heart walked out of my door. And I am frozen between conflicting emotions.
I love foster care, the chance for families to help children in need. I hate foster care, the need is too deep, too wide to ever possibly completely fill.
I am heartbroken that these kids are gone, they became part of our family. I am relieved that these kids are gone, my family unit is back in place again.
I am devastated that I can no longer pour into these kids. I am relieved that my daily burdens have lessened.
I feel desperate panic that their departure from my home is causing them even more pain. I feel comfort that the struggles that my birth children have been facing are now being relieved.
And I hate the messiness of it all. Why can’t life be a neat printed picture where we carefully color in the lines and everything is orderly and in place?
Why is love so painful? And beautiful? And ugly?
I feel like there has been a death in my family.
Goodbye my loves. I will always be here. I pray that there will be a time again when I can be in your lives and let you know just how much I love you.
Life With Esther 