Tag: God’s presence

Feeling Stingy

Friends, Romans, Countrymen! I am the proud owner of a new Chromebook! My children managed to break my last one and I have been computerless for a couple months. I borrowed my husband’s ipad a couple times, typed on my phone a couple times, but neither of those options is conducive to good writing flow. I’m so excited. It’s like getting a whole pile of new school supplies. You just feel like you should sit down and create something. 

Life has been roaring along. I’ve been going through a processing stage the last couple months. Looking closer, digging deeper, thinking long and hard. 

My daughter Ruth wrote some thoughts on her social media today that really lined up with an area I’ve been struggling with. Here are some conclusions I’ve come to. 

If I am being really really honest with myself, I don’t want God to extend the same level of mercy to others, especially others that I have problems with, as he does to me. 

For myself, I want God to have pity on me. Be understanding. Yes, you act this way because of these things that happened in your past, and it’s hard for you, and I’m just going to meet you where you are at and forgive you and help you to grow. And when you get to heaven, all the pain will be forgotten and you will step into paradise. 

Sounds good, right? 

But then I think about people that I don’t agree with. People that I think are approaching life wrong. People who have hurt me. People who are maybe promoting thoughts and ideas that I think are harmful. And if I’m really really honest, what I want is for God to confront them face-to-face and show them just how wrong they are. Maybe even rub their nose in it a bit. And then, he can forgive them, grudgingly, and they can take a lower role in heaven and just be grateful they made it, after making all those heinous mistakes. 

It’s taken a lot of deep digging to uncover this unpleasant truth about myself. And I am horrified that I am harboring these sentiments. And I want to change. I am desperately aware of how much grace and forgiveness that I need. And I thought that I was willing for everyone else to have access to that mercy as well. And, as long as I keep it fluffy and distant, I can wish that for everyone in the whole wide world. But, you start naming names, of people that really annoy you, people who have offended you, people who you vehemently disagree with, and suddenly, it’s a lot harder to feel that fluffy I-want-everyone-to-go-to-heaven feeling. Surely, some strong judgement is called for on occasion? 

A couple verses are coming to my mind right now. 

Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV): “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

And, 

Mark 12: 29-31  “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.”

I can’t help thinking that loving your neighbor as yourself means that you want the same amount of grace and forgiveness poured out on them as you want for yourself. 

Now, I have realized this about myself, but that doesn’t mean I wish to stay here. It also doesn’t mean I can just see the problem and then wish it gone. I need heart change. It’s not something I can make happen on my own. But, I know that God can make this change in me.

I’ve been stuck in the book of John for months now. My favorite chapters are fourteen through seventeen. And one of the big themes in those chapters is about Remaining in Jesus. He is the Vine, we are the branches. Remain in him and he remains in us. And how do we remain in him? By loving the people around us. And we are given the Holy Spirit to help us in this endeavor. 

Today, I was thinking about “How do I get there from here?”  How do I heal? How do I have wholeness?  And how do I get to a place where I truly want the same amount of mercy for my fellow man that I want for myself? How do I truly love my neighbor as myself? What came to my mind was a picture of me leaning into worship and leaning into being in God’s presence. Focusing on Jesus and giving him thanks for all things and keeping my face turned towards him. The more time we spend with him, the more we can become like him. And so I ask Jesus to change my heart, let me understand his love on a deeper level so that I can love others on a deeper level. And truly want everything good for them. 

O Taste and See

Today is one of those days when all the colors are brighter. The grass is greener, the sky is more blue, the wind seems sweeter. Everything is beautiful. 

I had to take my son to a doctor’s appointment first thing this morning. Then I had to come up with a menu and go grocery shopping. And then unload the car. And put everything away. And make sure everyone had food to eat. And chores got done. And had to order a new latch for the lid of my washing machine so it would start working again. And on and on, etc, etc. But, in between all the mundane tasks, I keep looking up and seeing trees covered in rustling green clothes, swaying in the wind. The bird singing extra loud. The clouds exceptionally white and fluffy. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Psalm 34:8

One of my boys went on a playdate this afternoon and the other one was feeling lonely so he asked if we could walk down to the park close to our house. I said sure and packed a little bag with a water bottle and a book to read, thinking I’d sit back and enjoy that while he played on the playground. But when we got there he was the only child there and it was obvious he wanted my attention. So I put the book away and made an effort to be present with him. We quickly abandoned the playground and went and walked around the man-made pond in the center of the park. There were geese and ducks and we spent a lot of time watching them and meandering around the pond. The park is not fancy, and the pond’s water is a bit scary, not something you would want to fall into. But, today the park was beautiful. And I cherished the time with my son. 

Days like today are gifts. Days where you can see. You can see how breath-taking this world is that we live in. You can see how precious the people around you are. You can see what a miracle and blessing our everyday lives are. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Psalm 34:8

There are so many worries and stresses in our lives. It is overwhelming. Tomorrow I will go back to worrying about all the minutiae of my life, the burdens my city bears, the fears and tragedies of the nations. Those haven’t gone away. And there is a time and a place to throw everything we have at those problems facing our world.  But right now, I just want to stay in this moment, where the world is a masterpiece, my children are the most wondrous of jewels, and I know that God is here, I can feel his presence in the breeze blowing across my face. And it’s that joy and peace that I need, so I can take them into tomorrow where all the troubles wait for me, and I can face them from a place of goodness. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Psalm 34:8