Scars on my Skin

I wish sometimes that I had scars upon my skin. Jagged rough lines, now long-healed. There, present, but no longer dripping blood.

I wish, sometimes, that I had scars upon my skin. It would be comforting to look at this discolored spot, and realize the wound is no longer open. New skin has come in to make things whole again.

The scars would be a conversational piece. Oh, what happened to you? And maybe I would have heard that question so often that I would have an answer already memorized. Something pat, say what happened with bare bones details. Maybe, if I wished to talk about it, I could leave the answer open ended, friendly, an invitation for follow-up questions. Or if I didn’t want to talk about it, I could just say so politely, but firmly.

I don’t have scars on my skin. My skin is whole, sound, unmarred except for the wrinkles and occasional sunspots. Instead my scars exist down in my soul, across my mind and emotions. Unseen except perhaps in the way I shy away from certain situations or certain types of people. Unseen except in the way depression haunts my steps. Unseen except in the way my brain drifts away when my body senses danger and I am no longer present in the moment. Unseen except in the way I jump up and abruptly leave the room when certain subjects arise.

No one asks about these things. What happened? No one asks and I have never come up with a bare bones answer or even a more friendly one that leaves room for questions.

And I can not see the healed wound to know that things are better now. What if the wound is still open, still dripping blood? I can’t see it and I wonder, what kind of damage has it left? Is it getting any better?

And I struggle with my mental health and I feel ashamed that I have never overcome the depression, or the scatteredness, or the numbing overwhelming feeling that paralyzes me in my chair.

And sometimes I just wish the scars were on my skin where I could see them, and know that they have healed. Look right there, new skin, no blood. Everything is better now.