Tag: understanding

Fantasy and Truth

When I was a kid, by the time I was in second grade I had become a full-fledged book worm. I read for entertainment, escape, and as a way to understand the world around me. Nowadays, as an adult, I go through different seasons of what I am reading and why. Escapism. A deep need to understand how different types of relationships work. A deep dive into how cultures and societies work. Exploring the ideas of what happens if humankind really messes everything up. 

Lately, I’ve really been into fantasy books and it has kind of been an exploration of what is God like and what do really good human relationships look like? 

Fantasy covers a large spectrum of writing. I’m choosy about which fantasy I read. The fantasy that I enjoy are the ones who simply use a fantasy world as a backdrop for their very human characters who have very human characteristics, weaknesses and strengths. The fantasy world allows those characters to have many wide and varied adventures, but in the end, the lessons they are learning, the personal growth they are going through, the conclusion they come to, they are all very human and normal. 

In the last year or so, I’ve found myself drawn to these books where usually one character has some kind of super-power. Magical, genetic mutation, gift given by the gods etc. Usually, these powers are on par with what I would expect my own God to be able to do. But, these powers are encased in a very human person. 

One example I’m thinking of is the character Aras in Rachel Neumeier’s “Tuyo” series. He is a sorcerer with many powers and abilities, but he is a good person. He wants good for people and he uses his powers to help, not hurt. One of his powers is that he can hear everyone’s thoughts. It’s not something he can turn off, and he actually finds it distracting and uncomfortable. But what is interesting is that this ability to invade everyone’s privacy leads him to compassion, not judgement. 

Whenever I run into a character that has god-like powers, I can’t help thinking about the real God and whether the insights from these characters could reveal anything about the One True God. I have to admit that knowing that God can hear every thought I think and that he knows my brain and emotions better than I do, sometimes I find that a little nervewracking. Oh shoot, You just heard that rather mean and horrible thought I just had. But, seeing this character in the book with the same powers and seeing how it leads him to compassion helps me to step back and think about God and then think about how many bible verses talk about his compassion and perhaps that’s how it works for God as well.  

There’s another character in Victoria Goddard’s “Hands of the Emperor” series, the Emperor, who also has a lot of different magical powers and he rules many worlds and he desires goodness and justice and good for each of his subjects. He is another character who is very human, but has god-like powers. But his journey is about seeking intimate friendships. And it makes me wonder what heaven will be like. Will we truly have a chance to intimately know Jesus, up close and personal, and what is that going to be like?? 

Not only do these books get my imagination going about what Jesus is like, but they also showcase all the possibilities of human relationships. In the Tuyo series we see a relationship between a father and his son that brings me to tears. Can family relationships really look like this? We see friends who step over the polite boundaries of social etiquette, and become truly irreplaceable in each other’s lives. We see employers and employees who somehow find the perfect balance of respect and camaraderie. And it sparks my imagination. Could the relationships in my life look like this? Does a path from here to there really exist? It makes me feel hopeful and gives me vision for what I want to achieve. 

Reading can be dangerous. There are books out there that expose you to just how evil humans are capable of being, that showcase just how dysfunctional you can let your relationships get. I think some exposure to that is good, because those books are also based in reality. But, I find life so much more hopeful when I read the books that focus on, what if we did things better? What if there is a way to help those around us? What if our relationships could be not only good but awesome? And then of course those characters that give you little glimpses of what all-powerful goodness and compassion can look like, and make you wonder, is this what Jesus is like? 

I will add that while you can learn a lot from all types of books, having the foundation of the Bible is kind of imperative. The Bible says Here is Truth. Fantasy novels have the ability to take some of that truth and say, ok, here’s how that would play out in this scenario. 

Reading, like any kind of activity, can go as deep as you take it. You can consume a comic book and just count it a quick distraction. Or you can think deeply about the story the comic book told you and think about what it teaches you about human nature and how does that line up with what the Bible tells us about human nature? And then you make conclusions and come away with a little more insight about the world around you, and maybe even a little more insight on how to live out your daily life. You can do the same with a tv show, a popular song on the radio, an interesting piece of art. God’s design and truth appear everywhere in the world around us, and if we’re looking for it, we’ll see it. I just especially love looking for it in a good book. And right now, a good fantasy book. 

Scars on my Skin

I wish sometimes that I had scars upon my skin. Jagged rough lines, now long-healed. There, present, but no longer dripping blood.

I wish, sometimes, that I had scars upon my skin. It would be comforting to look at this discolored spot, and realize the wound is no longer open. New skin has come in to make things whole again.

The scars would be a conversational piece. Oh, what happened to you? And maybe I would have heard that question so often that I would have an answer already memorized. Something pat, say what happened with bare bones details. Maybe, if I wished to talk about it, I could leave the answer open ended, friendly, an invitation for follow-up questions. Or if I didn’t want to talk about it, I could just say so politely, but firmly.

I don’t have scars on my skin. My skin is whole, sound, unmarred except for the wrinkles and occasional sunspots. Instead my scars exist down in my soul, across my mind and emotions. Unseen except perhaps in the way I shy away from certain situations or certain types of people. Unseen except in the way depression haunts my steps. Unseen except in the way my brain drifts away when my body senses danger and I am no longer present in the moment. Unseen except in the way I jump up and abruptly leave the room when certain subjects arise.

No one asks about these things. What happened? No one asks and I have never come up with a bare bones answer or even a more friendly one that leaves room for questions.

And I can not see the healed wound to know that things are better now. What if the wound is still open, still dripping blood? I can’t see it and I wonder, what kind of damage has it left? Is it getting any better?

And I struggle with my mental health and I feel ashamed that I have never overcome the depression, or the scatteredness, or the numbing overwhelming feeling that paralyzes me in my chair.

And sometimes I just wish the scars were on my skin where I could see them, and know that they have healed. Look right there, new skin, no blood. Everything is better now.

Fat Fridays: NonDepressed Me Doesn’t Understand Depressed Me

Happy Fat Friday everyone. I’ve been gone a bit. Almost didn’t write today, but it’s stll Friday, I’ve still got a chance at this! 

This past month my exercise has diminished down to a brisk walk when it’s not too cold outside. I finally canceled my membership with the KICKOFF app that monitors your diet, gives you daily workouts and checks in with you every day. I canceled because I was no longer using the services and it’s too much money to just let it keep going when I’m not using it. I actually felt better when I canceled though. I know what I want to focus on with exercise and I feel like I can do it just using free resources. I also know that I need a different eating plan than what I was doing, so I’m still trying to figure out that one. 

What I wanted to write about today was the fact that Non-depressed Me has no understanding of Depressed Me. This past year as I was exercising and eating healthy, and the weight was coming off, and I was feeling great, I had these niggling memories. Memories of times in the past when I would lose weight, do well, and then somehow, it all came creeping back on. And I was always a little disappointed with that Old Esther who failed her diet and exercise plans so often. What was wrong with me? Why would I exchange this wonderful feeling of health and accomplishment for one of gluttany and sloth? I really had no idea why I had failed so often in the past. But I knew that, THIS TIME, I would accomplish my goals and stay on the path. 

And then Depressed Me showed up. And it was like someone took a big plank of wood and smacked me upside the head. And when I came to, Non-Depressed Me was gone, Depressed Me had taken up residence and I had the “AH HA!” moment when I remembered, very clearly, why I had failed so many times in the past. Depression. 

It sucks the life out of you. My emotions feel flat. My ambition is gone. Nothing is enjoyable. 

I am a bookworm, I have probably read close to a book a day since I was eight years old. This past month I have read one book. And it was one I’d read a million times before and I picked it because it had a happy ending with low-levels of crisis. I find myself zoning out with solitaire and flipping through Facebook and wishing I could find a book I actually wanted to read. I am still taking walks, but only when the weather gets at least into the 40s (F). We are having a cold winter (for us) and it’s no fun. 

These past couple days I have felt marginally better. I started writing my blog again. I’ve been sitting down at the piano, playing Bach. Angry Bach. Agitated Bach. But at least it’s been a good outlet for whatever is going on inside me. I’ve still managed to stay focused on getting the family to eat healthier. I have been baking our bread, about every two or three days, and that has been satisfying. Every week this month I have sat down and found new recipes for the week, made a menu, made a grocery list and tried to stick to it. It’s been cost effective and I’ve been making the kids eat new things which has made meal times more interesting for me, perhaps a little more stressful for them, but they’ve been doing pretty good with it. 

I also gave up paper plates. I’ve been using paper plates for my kids for several years. It meant that I only had to wash dishes once a day. Now I have to wash dishes two or three times a day, so I don’t know if I am actually saving anything, but it has been nice to have everyone eating off of pretty plates and my home has felt more homey. So, it’s not all negative. And I’m starting to try to have patience and compassion for Depressed-Me. Get to know this person again. See what diet and weight loss are going to look like while this alterego is hanging around. I’ll let you know how this goes. 

Fat Fridays: The Juggler

Fat Fridays. The day we talk about diet and exercise and triumphs and failures. 

I did not write last week because I was neck-deep in failure and I had nothing to say. The last couple weeks have been rough. And the hardest part is that I haven’t been sure why eating healthy and exercising suddenly became so hard again. 

I think I finally got some insight today. 

As a mom with eleven kids, I’m keeping track of a lot of things. I have made the comparison before of being a juggler who is trying to keep a bunch of balls up in the air. I’m juggling away, getting into the swing of it. Yeah. I got this. And then someone offstage suddenly starts pelting me with a bunch more balls. You’re keeping ten balls in the air? Here, take five more. And then I start dropping balls all over the place, everything gets out of sync, and I end up picking the most vital balls (how about let’s keep everyone fed and alive) and tossing them in the air while I regroup and try to start getting everything back up in the air and going in rhythm again, with five new balls added. 

I think that is what has happened this month. Extracurricular activities starting up for the kids, several home repair crises that we’ve been putting off for as long as possible, and now they can’t be ignored anymore. All of our vehicles suddenly having problems and needing various parts and repairs. And as all these new things got thrown my way, the first ball I dropped was diet. I kept exercising, but even with that, this week I ended up missing two days in a row. 

This morning I woke up at four am and lay in bed stressing over all the things I needed to do. I finally fell asleep maybe a half hour before my alarm went off. I did not wake up in a good mood. I was grumping at my husband and he blessed me by not responding with an equally grumpy mood. Instead he helped me sort out all the things I was stressed about for the day and helped me figure out some solutions. Then later in the day, one thing got cancelled, and that made it possible for me to do three other things on my list with a lot less stress. And as I realized how much my mood improved just from one cancellation, I started cluing in to how our newly busy schedule was throwing me off kilter in all areas of my life. 

When I reach a certain level of stress, I start grasping at anything to make me feel better and I tend to fall back into my unhealthy coping patterns. Which includes using food for comfort. 

Do I have a solution for this? Not really. But at least I know a lot more what I’m up against. And for me, understanding my behavior always has to be the first step before I can change it.