I’ve been having a rough day. A rough week. A rough month. After moping around this morning, I decided I might as well set my problems aside and get to work on something. I needed a notebook to make some lists. I dug around in my drawer and found a notebook that was half-filled with writing. Well, I could use the unwritten half. No problem. Curious, I looked to see what I had written in the other half. I found sermon notes. I glanced through it, trying to figure out when I had written this down. I came upon these notes that were talking about Matthew 5 verses 1-6 and how we need a desperate hunger for God. And there were the words,
And so I decided to just stop and do that.
I, Esther Heneise, do not have the strength, power or wisdom to live my life in a Holy manner. I do not have what it takes to run a household for twelve people. I do not have the stamina, passion, endurance, desire, to give everything I have to these ten children under my roof. I do not have the self-discipline, self-love, logic and wisdom to take care of my body in the way that I should. I allow my cravings to rule me. I do not have the attractiveness, passion, self-sacrifice, that is required to be a good wife to my husband. I do not have the time nor the desire to reach out to others outside of my home. I do not have the power to overcome depression. I don’t have energy to pursue adventure, excitement, change. I do not have the wisdom to know how to prepare for the future. I do not have the organizational skills required to keep up with every single detail of my and my family’s lives.
Plain and simple, I don’t have what it takes to do this life.
Then the next words were,
So I did.
Jesus lived the perfect life for me, because I couldn’t. Jesus has already paid the price for my slothfulness, my gluttony, my selfishness, my pride, my wrath, my envy. That heavy debt has been paid. Jesus has given me the Holy Spirit. The power that raised Jesus from the dead is now inside of me.
Plain and simple, it’s not my power that gets me through this life, it’s God’s power.
Then came this question,
Are we seeking God’s face or do we only want to see his hands?
I had to think about this.
Is my desire to know God better? Worship him? Serve him? Spend time with him? Or do I just want him to swoop in and solve all my problems and then go away again?
Honestly, I would say that lately my prayers have been more “Show me your hands God!” than “Show me your face.”
All this introspection lead me to the conclusion,
I need to repent.
I’m sorry Lord. I have not been seeking you first. I have been seeking solutions and answers.
“But Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his Righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33
I’ve got to run after you first. The answers and solutions flow from that seeking. We don’t seek answers and solutions. We seek you.
And so that is what I will do.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Psalm 51: 10-12