Author: lifewithesther15

I'm a stay-at-home mom with 10 kids and a wonderful husband. I'm a follower of Jesus and I am also a second generation missionary kid who grew up in Kentucky, Haiti, and Alaska. I have a lot of stories and I enjoy sharing them.

Thinking About Heaven

Today I was sorting clothes in my room, finishing up the great Seasonal Clothes Exchange, and I was bored, so I decided to listen to something off of Youtube on my phone. I normally don’t do this because I usually have so many interruptions that it’s impossible to really listen to something properly, but the kids had friends over, they were all playing outside, and I decided to chance it. I randomly decided to look for something by Tim Keller. I found an interesting sermon on heaven and settled in to enjoy it. One thing he said really stood out to me. He was saying that heaven is all about God’s presence. That’s the whole thing. Being in God’s presence. He said that people have criticized him for claiming that the only way to heaven is through Jesus, and he pointed out the question, Why would you want to go to heaven if you’re not in love with Jesus? Heaven is all about being with him! 

 

I really had to sit with that thought. If you’re not in love with Jesus, then you’re not going to like heaven. Cause it’s all about him. 

 

A couple weeks ago I was driving to another city in the car, solo road trip. I had a lot of time to just think. I was listening to the Christian radio and the song, “I Can Only Imagine” by Mercyme came on. I love that song. It is essentially just imagining what it will be like when we get to heaven and see Jesus.  I was singing along and wondering myself, what will I do when the time comes? And then I thought about my children. And it was almost a fierce thought. My children must go to heaven too. I don’t know if it could be heaven if my children weren’t there. And I had this realization that if God had created some kind of system where we could barter our way into heaven, I would have unhesitatingly bartered my own soul to make sure my children made it into heaven. I love them that much. And I was thinking these fierce thoughts, and it was like Jesus just whispered, That’s how I feel about you. I wanted you in heaven so much that I came and died on the cross. And it suddenly occurred to me, That’s how Jesus wants us to feel about everybody. He wants us to love everybody with that fierceness that says, They’ve got to be there too!

 

That kind of rocked me back on my heels. I do not feel that way about everyone. Who do I fiercely desire to see in heaven? My husband. My children. Parents, siblings. Some extended family. A couple close friends. But, as far as exchanging my life for theirs if that were possible? Probably just my own children, if I’m honest. And yet, that fierce desire to see other people saved, in relationship with Jesus so that they too will go to heaven, that is what we are called to as Christians. We are called to that kind of deep love. 

 

And all I can do is say, Lord! Change my heart! Give me your heart for these people who surround me, my neighbors that I pass every day. The people of my community, my city, my state, my country. The world. May my heart be changed so that I long for the day when I can be in Jesus’ presence, but at the same time, I can say fiercely, I need these other people to be there with me! 

 

Here’s a link to “I can only Imagine” if you’d like to listen:

I Can Only Imagine by Mercyme

 

Surely Goodness and Mercy Shall Follow Me

After posting earlier this week about what a bad day I had, it seems appropriate to write about today. 

 

I woke up in a good mood. 

 

Let’s say that again.

 

I woke up in a good mood.

 

Wow! 

 

This does not happen often! That’s not to say that I wake up in a bad mood every day. It’s more like I wake up with a mood of determination. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. And I keep saying this as I stagger around early in the morning and get dressed and fix breakfast and wake up kids and drive them to school and then feed the younger ones and get them settled. And then I finally sit down for a little while and I relax a bit and just try to get comfortable with being awake and up and moving. 

 

But today, I woke up in a good mood!! 

 

It was pretty crazy. I was cheerful with my children. Efficient. We quickly got all our chores done without me yelling and then made plans to go out shopping with the family for various seasonal things we needed: shoes, socks, underwear…Fun stuff. Though, my husband surprised me and got me a little three gallon aquarium in which to keep my baby guppy that I rescued a while back. (Baby guppy has been living in a large glass kitchen bowl). 

 

The day went smoothly. We got home from shopping, grilled hot dogs, then the kids played with their neighbor friends. Andy and I were able to just hang out together, talk, catch up after a crazy week. 

 

It makes me think of Psalm 23. The kids have been memorizing that psalm on the car ride to school every day. We just finished up the last verse this week. “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” 

 

It’s been a tough week. It’s been a tough season. Sometimes I think it’s more like, It’s been a tough life. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” It seems like a lot of times it feels like we’re walking through dark valleys. But then the rest of the verse happens, “…I will fear no evil for you are with me…”

 

I feel like God has definitely proved himself over and over that He is with me. I do not have to be afraid. But, you know, even when you’re sure of God’s presence and his working in your life, it still doesn’t mean you feel cheerful. Determined. Yes. Encouraged. Definitely. But cheerful? That one seems to be a lot harder. 

 

Today I felt like God’s goodness and mercy were poured out on me.

Here. Here’s a glimpse of joy. Here’s a glimpse of heaven. Waking up in a good mood. Spending a good, relaxed day with your family. For a moment in time, simply narrowing my vision to my immediate surroundings, forgetting all the turmoil that is waiting out in the world, just consuming the goodness that has been laid before me: a bright Fall day, beautiful family, wonderful husband, God’s bountiful provision for all our needs…”You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.”

 

I shared my bad mood with you this week, so now I will share my joy with you. God is good. 

Fat Fridays: Hope Renewed

Happy Friday everyone. I think this has been one of the longest weeks of my life. I am so glad that it is Friday! Earlier this week I wrote a short essay (not posted) on how hopeless I felt about weightloss. I talked about how Diet Programs, Weightloss systems, they all know about this hopelessness and they purposefully sell hope. Sure, you have never succeeded in the past, but that’s because you never knew about OUR BRAND NEW SYSTEM!! Just give us some money and we will give you a big dose of HOPE that You Too can conquer your weight problems! And you know, I’ve tried that too many times. I no longer fall for it. So, I was lamenting that our Hope is supposed to come from the Lord, but he didn’t seem to be dishing any out either. 

 

And then, after I wrote down all my angst, God flooded me with hope. 🙂 I suddenly felt like, Yes, I can do this. And I got a plan. I’m going to just tackle 10 pounds at a time. Anyone can lose 10 pounds right? And when I lose 10 pounds I’m going to reward myself with a Non-Food Reward. I started yesterday. I’m feeling excited. Cool weather is fast approaching and I need to get some new clothes. And I’m going to wait till I’ve lost this 10 pounds before I go shopping. And that sounds good to me and encouraging. I’ve made a deal with God. I realize that my weight problems stem from wrong ideas about food, it’s a heart issue. I am, unfortunately, unable to change my heart. So, I’m asking God to work on the heart side of it, and I will try to work on the physical -eat less, exercise more- side of it. Maybe I’ll fail again, but my little bit of hope is saying, yeah, but maybe you won’t fail this time. 

 

I’m kind of doing a relaxed version of Trim Healthy Mama which is all about low carb, high protein, and don’t mix your fats and carbs. Another words, if you eat fat then make sure you don’t eat any carbs at the same time. 

 

I started on October 3rd. So I’ll let you know how long it takes me to lose 10 pounds. And then we can all celebrate! And then I’ll move on to the next little goal. 

 

For anyone else feeling hopeless, may your hope be renewed! I’ll see you all later. 

 

 

Bad Moods Happen

Today is one of those days where I should have just stayed in bed. Nope. This day is not working for me, I’ll try again tomorrow. This happens to me on occasion. I have a million theories as to why. But as far as making the bad moods stop, I haven’t figured that one out yet. 

 

I have reached an age where I have finally figured out that another person can’t solve all my problems. So, while I was longing to call up my husband during his very busy day of work and complain about life to him, I knew that nothing he said would change my mood or make me feel better. In fact, in the mood I’ve been in, I probably would have picked a fight with him instead. So, I didn’t call my husband. 

 

I tossed around the idea of daydreaming about selling my house and moving to some far off location. But, that dream has lost its appeal. I like my house, run down as it is, and I really don’t want to move anywhere else. So, I gave up trying to do that. 

 

Every task I had to do today felt like a herculean task. Which flea medicine should I buy for my cats? Let’s research online. Whoa. Way too much information here…Let’s try and do some preschool with the four year old. Ok. This requires way too much patience. Better not do this anymore. 

 

I finally put some praise music on. That helped some. Took the boys grocery shopping, got some shopping therapy. Bought a yummy snack, medicating with food. Played the piano a bit, sooth my brain with music. It all helped a bit. Not a great deal. But some. 

 

I’m still in a bad mood. 

 

So, I’m going to put a positive spin on this. I can at least recognize when these moods hit. I hope I am at least learning how to contain that mood to myself instead of trying to spread it around to my family. I had a face off with the four year old over picking up toys, and instead of letting it escalate to a place where I might lose control, I decided to fight this battle later when I was in a better place to deal with it calmly. 

 

I’ve spent a lot of time just talking to God. He hasn’t given me any amazing insights, but it’s comforting to know he’s listening. 

 

This is the yucky side of life. Bad moods happen. It’s not all sunshine and princess tiaras. And, I guess it’s ok. I’m hoping that tomorrow will be better. I plan to spend some time this evening just focusing on things to be thankful for. That’s always good. Maybe preach the gospel to myself again. That’s always helpful. And I’ll pray that tomorrow will be a better day. 

 

How do I Parent?

Recently I had my parenting questioned. It’s kind of hard when you feel like you have been judged and found lacking.  It always sends me reeling a bit. I have to really think about what was said. Is there merit? Is there truth? Am I wrong? Should I change things? 

And then, I have to just stop. 

 

The truth of the matter is I am merely human. I am not perfect, nor will I be any time soon. In fact, not on this side of eternity. I am a flawed human being trying to raise ten other flawed human beings. It’s a recipe for messiness. 

 

Then you have to consider all the different goals parents set for themselves. Am I trying to raise a child prodigy? Am I trying to raise an athlete? Am I trying to raise an activist? Every parent you talk to is going to have a different set of goals in their parenting. And that’s because each of us are different with different strengths and talents that we hope to pass down to our children. 

 

Even when we have what seems like the same goal, “I want to raise Godly children”, the way we envision that is very different. The way we hope to implement that is very different. 

 

For some people, raising Godly children means that they are going to keep their children from being exposed to ungodly things. For some it means that they are going to immerse their child in the scriptures until they can almost recite the entire Bible. For some it means getting their children very involved in a church community where they live, eat, and breathe church. For some it means awakening a heart for the lost, encouraging their children to pray for the nations and look for opportunities to reach out to the lost whenever possible. 

 

I can guarantee that whatever area you as parents decide to focus on, that is probably an area that is close to your heart and an area where God has done a lot of work in your life. We naturally want to pass on to our kids the things that we know and are learning. 

 

So, here is what God has been working on in my life. Grace. No Fear. Love your neighbor. 

 

Grace. It is imperative to me that my children know that God loves them, he has forgiven them, and he is the only one who can enable them to walk the Christian life. Their own will power will never be enough to keep them from turning in the wrong direction. Only God can save us and then change our hearts. 

 

No Fear. It is imperative that my children not be afraid. Not be afraid of losing God’s love. Not be afraid of losing my love. Not be afraid of being rejected. Not be afraid of people who don’t believe the same as them. Not be afraid of going out into the world and sharing love with whomever they meet. Not be afraid of making mistakes and not being perfect. Fear not. I believe that phrase is repeated a ridiculous number of times in the Bible. 

 

Love your neighbor. It is imperative to me that my children learn how to love their neighbor. Though this is an action that we need God’s grace for, I need them to keep asking God for grace and keep pressing in to this. Keep trying to understand the people around them. Keep seeing each person in their life as a highly valuable treasure that God loves. Keep on learning how to love. It’s the second greatest commandment. First, Love God, second, love your neighbor. 

 

How do you teach your children these things? Beats me. I’m not the parenting expert. Each day is me fumbling around in the darkness, trying to do my best on my good days, on my bad days, just trying to keep everyone alive. I have no idea how to raise Godly children. But, thank you Lord, God does know. He gives me just enough grace for one day at a time. And one day at a time I try to model a complete dependence on God. I try to model Grace. I try to model No Fear. I try to model loving my neighbor. That’s about all I can do. The rest is in God’s hands. 

 

May we have grace for each other as parents. Instead of getting caught up in the comparison game, let’s just encourage each other. 

 

When Life Doesn’t Turn Out the Way You Expect

Making plans seems to be part in parcel of being human. We have this life laid out in front of us and we feel an urgency to do Something with that life. Everyone around us tells us that we need to be doing Something. We ask little children, What do you want to be when you grow up? We pester our teenagers as soon as they enter high school…What do you think you want to do after high school? College? Which one? What do you want to study? How about the armed forces? Does that sound interesting? Or tech school? You can make good money being an electrician! Have you ever considered going into teaching? 

 

People just can’t leave us alone about our “futures”. And so, naturally, we make plans. We have this life in front of us, we must plan. 

 

Some people make a plan very early in their life and then they follow it, step by faithful step, until they have reached their end goal and entered into the life they always wanted. And we all shake our heads in amazement and say, Yep, I knew they could do it, they’re just that kind of person. 

 

Then there are the people who just can’t settle on any plan. These are the ones that go to college and change their majors five times. Or maybe it’s the ones who pursue job after job, but can never stay in one place for too long. And we shake our heads at them. You just need to get a plan and stick to it!

 

I think for most of the rest of us it goes more like this. We make a plan and pursue it. Then something happens, we discover while student teaching that we really don’t like being around kids. Or maybe an unexpected financial burden arises that keeps us from going to that flight school we always wanted to attend. Or a personal tragedy, a death in our family, awakens a previously unknown desire to enter the medical field or become a hospice nurse. 

 

We all waver and bend as life shoves us this way and that, following whatever road seems to be the right one at the moment. Always making plans. Not always accomplishing those plans. 

 

I am familiar with plans not turning out the way I thought. At the age of 17 I thought I would study piano, become a piano teacher, get married in my mid-twenties and have 2 children. 

 

Yeah. That didn’t happen. (For those of you new to the blog, I dropped out of college after 2 years, married at the age of 20 and have 10 children.) 

 

Some people say that God has an exact plan written out for our lives and that it’s our job to sit still and listen and wait for him to reveal this plan to us. Other people say, God gave you gifts and talents for a reason, pursue those gifts and talents and God will use you wherever you go. I, of course, love to walk the middle road. I’m sure that God has a plan for me, but I don’t think it’s his habit of sharing the details of that plan. Instead he uses our gifts and talents to direct us. He uses earth-shattering events to redirect us. He uses simple self-awareness (hmm, I actually really hate this career) to direct us. He uses people in our lives who build us up or tear us down to send us in search of new paths. He uses whatever he wants to get us where he wants us. And there is a lot of peace in that. I saw an awesome meme the other day:

stupiditymeme

Plans come and go but God is constant and nothing surprises him. I’m going to keep making plans, keep pursuing them…But perhaps it’s not the destination, the fulfilling of the plan, that is so important, but rather the journey along the way. 

 

 

 

Leave No Trace

In the Bible in the book of Revelation, there is mentioned this 1000 years of time when Jesus will rule on the earth. I am not a theologian or a scholar. I have heard some good teaching on Revelation, but the best teachers all freely admit that there is no way of knowing what everything means. The important thing is that Jesus is coming back. 

 

So, every once in a while I think about that 1000 years. Lets just say, for the sake of my idea, that Jesus was literally going to come to earth and rule the earth for 1000 years? What would that be like? What would he do? 

 

I have a theory. Here it is. I bet he would spend that 1000 years having all the people work on cleaning up the mess they made of the earth. 1000 years to go and gather all the trash out of the ocean. 1000 years to clean up all the toxins and chemicals that have been spread all over the ground and water. 1000 years to eliminate from our environment all the cheap substances we’ve come up with that are causing cancer and killing off the insects and other animals. 

 

It seems like a worthy way to spend the time. 

 

This past week there have been demonstrations around the world where people are demanding changes be made to fight climate change. 

 

I know that some people don’t believe in climate change. And you have a lot of evidence to back up your beliefs. I get that. But, even if you don’t think the climate is changing, or you think the present climate change is simply happening because of other natural reasons…Can you not at least acknowledge that the current way we are doing things is hurting our planet? Even if the climate isn’t changing, our oceans sure are filling up with plastic trash. The amount of garbage and trash that the United States is producing is crazy. The chemicals that the Big Food Industry are pouring on the ground is killing off our insects and especially the bees. Whether the carbon emissions are causing the weather to change or not, they certainly are causing air pollution. 

 

We can not continue as we are without reaping heavy consequences. We already are reaping heavy consequences, we’re just not paying attention.

 

I am as guilty as the next person. 

 

Convenience is a big part of it. It’s not convenient to take my own bags to the grocery store. It’s not convenient to take stuff to the recycling center. 

 

Cost is another big part. I am trying to raise a large family with a limited amount of money and buying the “responsibly packaged” organic food at the store is simply not in my budget. Like, not even anywhere close to being in my budget. 

 

But, there are definitely things I can do. I can recycle. Our city actually makes it pretty easy. I can take my own bags to the grocery store. I can be careful about not putting poisons all over my yard that are hurting the insects and bees. And probably the biggest thing, I can talk to my children about it. Instill a desire in them to treat our earth carefully. Instill in them the habit of recycling. Start making them aware of problems in our earth that need to be addressed. 

 

It is my hope that our current culture of “Do whatever you want as long as it makes you money” can be replaced with the camping mantra my husband has taught us when we go camping…Leave no trace. Leave nature as it was or better so that the next person who comes along can enjoy it too. 

 

 

Better Late than Never

This past 9-11 was interesting for me.  I suddenly got interested in the events of that day 18 years before.  Yes, every year our country has a day of remembering, and every year I have felt melancholy as people shared different memories from that day. But I did not feel like I was entering into the mourning like my friends were. 

 

When 9-11 happened, I was living in bush Alaska. I had an almost one yr old baby. I was pregnant with my second. I didn’t have a tv. The events of that day seemed very far away. I did not sit in front of the news and watch the events unfold. I just heard about it after the fact, in a tidy little written news article I found on the internet. I also had a very complicated history with the US, having lived in Haiti while the US put that country under a strict embargo. Seeing firsthand the suffering that the Haitians endured because of US politics made me feel very ambiguous about being an American. 

 

When 9-11 happened, I saw it as an outsider. How sad. Those poor people. It was some kind of crazy disaster that was happening far away to people that had no connection to me. 

 

So, this past 9-11, I suddenly felt very curious. I started watching little video clips that people had posted about various aspects of that day. Then I got on Youtube and found where someone had posted an unedited clip of the news, playing straight from 8:30am to 11am on that day. Over a couple days, I sat and watched the whole thing unfold. I cried a lot. Suddenly feeling very connected to the confusion and pain and bewilderment as people watched their country being attacked. I went and found another video that was made a year after, that showed what was happening at the government level during that time. I watched an amazing clip of a fireman who had been in the building when it collapsed and somehow he got out. He gives God all the credit. I watched some footage of different news camera men who had been on the scene, watched their live footage as they lived through the chaos. I watched an amazing little documentary about all the boats that spontaneously gathered to help evacuate Manhattan. And I cried some more, this time at the wonder of people coming together to help each other, uniting.  And then finally, I felt like I had watched enough. 

 

And I wondered. What was that interest all about? I’m still not sure. I do know that I hate mourning. I hate entering into emotional pain. I distance myself from it. It’s not good that I do that. Instead of feeling the emotions, I just shove them down. I used to be pretty purposeful about it too. If something was getting too overwhelming for me to handle, I would literally envision a big walk-in closet. Then I would envision myself going in, taking an empty box, setting the problem into the box, shutting the box, and putting the box on the shelf, and then I’d walk away. 

 

Perhaps God is letting me do some catch up. Let’s open that closet door and start unpacking all those boxes. One at a time. 

 

A Boy and His Kitten

kitten

We got a new kitten this weekend. Or rather, my ten year old son got a new kitten this weekend. Because of course, that’s what this crazy house needed, another pet.  

 

But, my son has been asking for approximately two years now for a pet. And I’ve been putting him off because his brothers had pet ferrets and a pet dog, I had a pet cat, his dad had pet fish and I didn’t feel up to taking on more than that. In fact, I have been pretty emphatic that we were done with getting pets. In fact, my husband said, no more pets unless some of the current pets find a new home. In fact, we were united in our stance against new pets.

 

But he kept asking. Pleading. Coming up with all kinds of creative ways he could manage a pet so we wouldn’t even notice it was around. We tossed around the idea of him getting a fish. No. He wanted something he could cuddle. Then I suggested that he take part ownership of the ferrets and dog since his oldest brother was very busy and was on his way to being gone for a year. No. He wanted his Own pet. 

 

And then a week or so ago he told me that his friend who lives down the street had kittens at his house…could he have one of the kittens? And I thought about it and really couldn’t think of any reason to keep saying No to this poor child, and so, I ended up saying Yes. (And his father grudgingly agreed.)

 

Why? Because he’s quirky and I think he needs his own special animal friend. Why? Because  he is not wired to enjoy school work and yet his teachers tell me that he works hard and is a model student in their classes. Why? Because I let my older children have pets and I want to be fair. Why? Because I secretly like kittens and while he’s at school, I’ll get to hold it… 

 

This parenting thing is complicated. Finding the balance between not losing your own sanity, making sure your kids are happy, and making sure they’re also learning how to be responsible. Not killing their dreams, but not spoiling them. 

 

I love my son. He’s very different from me and I have found it a challenge to meet him where he’s at, instead of trying to force him into a mold that is easier to handle. And that is the essence of parenting. Learning how to let go of your own expectations and instead work with what you’ve got. 

 

What I’ve got is a highly intelligent, creative, business-savvy boy who tends to create waves amongst his siblings, who loves to learn new things, (just don’t ask him to read it out of a book), who knows how to wrap his teachers around his little finger, but struggles with the daily playground politics. He’s a kid who is willing to work hard if he’s going to be compensated. He can take a cardboard box and tape and turn it into anything you want. He is a Master Lego Builder, and the arch-nemesis of his younger sister. He frustrates me and delights me. He’s a boy. 

 

And now he’s a boy with a kitten. 

 

And my pet tally has now gone up to: 

 

1 dog

2 ferrets

2 cats

5 fish

3 crawdads

 

I have a feeling those numbers will change again. 

 

Fat Fridays: You’ve Got to do Something

Hey everyone. I’m back. Kind of. This past Sunday at our church, our pastor gave a short video message from his home. He is currently recovering from a very serious medical ailment. In the video he was explaining what had happened to him, and lessons that God was teaching him through the experience. He related how he took a serious downturn, an ambulance was called, but he was still wavering on whether he should go to the hospital or not. He asked his grown daughter what he should do, and she said, “Well, you’ve got to do something!” 

 

That statement, along with a couple other things he said, really resonated with me. 

I’ve got to do something. 

 

I’m at a place where I no longer believe in my ability to overcome this weight once and for all. I no longer think that I can just find the right plan, get myself revved up enough, and then, Voila! I will lose all my weight. That fantasy has died. I have a horrible feeling that this is going to be a life-long struggle. 

 

But at the same time, I can’t give up. I’ve got some serious health problems. I’ve got to do something. 

 

And so, I try once again. One small step at a time. This week I have been working on cutting out sugar. I’m hoping to tackle eliminating wheat next week. One small step at a time. Heading towards a low-carb diet. I got on my elliptical a couple times too. It’s something. 

 

Approaching a diet without hope and energy is a different experience. I’m just feeling realistic. I need to make these changes for the sake of my health. I don’t know if it will produce dramatic weight loss. I’ll probably cheat on occasion. But, it’s something. Right now that’s all I can do.